Sincere Apologies
Are More Than Saying “Sorry”.
Growing up we are taught to apologize when we treat somebody wrong, be it a sibling, a friend, a neighbour or even to parents themselves but mostly it’s say “I’m Sorry” then we hug it out and life goes on but when we become adults that’s never enough. A simple “I’m sorry” or hug can not fix an abuse, an affair, fraud or many other immoral mistakes we make.
An apology is more than saying “Sorry”
Apology has different languages and just like any other language speaking and understanding can be so different like french and Swahili no matter how high the volume is a swahili person won’t understand french and viceversa.
When we apologize in the language the person we have offended understands, they will receive our apology as a sincere apology therefore forgiveness coming smoothly.
The 5 Apology Languages by Gary Chapman & Jennifer Thomas.
1.Expressing Regret; in this apology language you explain what you are sorry for because the person whose apology language is expressing regret they want to know if you understand how your offence has really hurt them. Example: “I am so sorry that I came home late, I know I should have been here earlier to help with kids I know I have let you down big time”.
2.Accepting Responsibility; In this apology language you must acknowledge you were wrong, they want you to accept responsibility for what you did.
Example: “Having no boundaries with my coworker is wrong, I know we talked about drawing the line with her, I shouldn’t have let it get that far. I am accepting responsibility for that and I know it was wrong”
3.Making Resitution; this apology language is about making it right. In this apology language you can make it up by combining it with their love language (acts of service, gifts, physical touch, words of affirmation or quality time).
Example: If you have forgotten your wedding anniversary, to apologize to your spouse you can say “I know I messed up and I can’t undo what I did please give me a chance to make it up to you” then — take your spouse out on a romantic dinner (quality time), bring a beautiful bouquet of flowers or anything they like (gifts), arrange for a romantic night in bed for make up sex (physical touch), cook something yummy / help out with the work at home (acts of service), buy a card/ write a beautiful long text expressing love, affirming your spouse (words of affirmation).
4. Planned Change; to the person with this apology language you have to give them a plan on how you will keep the offense from reoccurring. Example of the apology can be “My behaivour of forgetting the list of the things needed at home needs to stop, I don’t like this about me, to stop this behaviour I will start noting down a to buy list so that this doesn’t happen again.”
5. Requesting Forgiveness; to people whose apology language is this when they hear the words “will you please forgive me?” that’s music to their ears. To them when you ask for forgiveness then your apology is sincere.
You should apologize because you value the relationship and you should know that it doesn’t matter if the offence was intentional or unintentional true apology makes way for true forgiveness which makes the relationship move forward.
When we don’t apologize in the right language, the offended person might think that the apology is not sincere and this can bring more problems in a relationship.
Before we knew the apology languages my husband would always apologize with “Am sorry” and to me that wasn’t an apology because he hasn’t exactly requested for forgiveness and I would even be pissed that it didn’t even start with an “I” and I didn’t communicate it which made things worse because I would always bottle things up and end up exploding weeks later and he would always say “I said am sorry” and I would reply that’s not an apology which brings us to another argument. Of course eventually I would forgive him but I would have serious doubts about his sincerity.
After knowing the apology languages I now know that even if the apology wasn’t in my language he was sincere. And now that we know each other’s apology language our marital life is easier because our apologies are healthy which makes forgiveness come easier and quicker.
How to know your apology language: 1. Observe how you apologize because oftenly that’s most likely the language you wish to receive. 2. List your complains and requests when someone has wronged you because that’s where your need is. 3. Try taking a free quiz here.
Forgiveness
Forgiveness is the only healthy response to an apology. Most of the times when we are wronged and we feel hurt we mistakenly think that we have forgiven only when the pain stops right away. But here’s the thing “Forgiveness is not a feeling, it’s a choice”.
Forgiveness is a choice to offer grace instead of demanding justice. Only forgiveness can lead to the growth of a relationship. The absence of forgiveness leads to death of a relationship.
What Forgiveness Doesn’t Do.
Forgiveness doesn’t make you forget the offence; and even when the memory comes back it doesn’t mean that you haven’t forgiven it simply means you’re human remembering a painful experience but also this doesn’t mean that you should keep bringing it up in your mind because the more you do it’s like revisiting the crime scene area it brings back all the pain and might even make you forget that the offender apologized.
Forgiveness doesn’t automatically restore trust; because forgiveness is a decision and trust is an emotion, trust is the confidence that you will do what you say will do. Trust you have to earn with your actions of proving you deserve the confidence one can have on you.
Forgiveness doesn’t remove the consequences of the offense; example if there was an extra marital affair and a child was born forgiveness doesn’t erase that child or an STD or emotional consequences from piercing hurtful words. Consequences can take time to restore the relationship to where it used to be so the offender and the offended must have patience.
Imagine how our world would be if we all learnt to sincerely apologize and learnt to forgive.
With Love,
Sandrahope M.
References:
The 5 Apology Languages by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas.
