Hello?! Is it HRT I’m looking for?
Cause I wonder where you are.
And I wonder what you do.
And let me start by saying.. I’ll try you…
I think I started my peri-menopausal journey a few years after my youngest graced God’s green Earth. So that would have been around 6/7 years ago.
I started skipping the odd period. I’d turn into a crazy bitch for a cycle of 40 days then boom Aunty Flo would arrive and normal service resumed.
I didn’t really think much of it. I’d sworn not to put any more unnecessary medicine in my body after I had the girls and after weaning myself of the AD’s, so probably around 8 years I’ve not had to visit the chemist and pick up my big white bag.
Yesterday saw me changing my mind about that choice. For around a year now my periods have been off for 4 months then they mess about for 2, then it’s back to a blissful 4 months of off again.
I thought I could handle it. I really did.
Duck me I’ve tried it all.
Supplements that smell like shit and cost the earth, morning ‘smoothies’ that taste like dust.
Drinking alll the water.
Ditching the booze. Smoking weed occasionally.
Dancing and moving my body… that works in the moment and suffice to say I am definitely not brave enough to dance the school run.
Cooking yummy veggie curries (not another veggie curry darling?!)
Yoga and breath-work when I remember.
I even bought a bloody campervan last year so I could follow my dream of adventures…
And still I can’t shake it. That feeling of crushing anxiety that stops me in my tracks.
That stops me from pressing book on ALL the festivals and retreats I want to go on.
That stops me from commenting or messaging people I want to work with.
From going to that dance class, tap class, co-working space.
To staying in the safety of the school run, hospital run and supermarket run.
It’s so much easier to stay in the ‘cave’ instead of going out among people. If I do venture out I have to make sure I’m meeting someone I know and love. I actually don’t mind sitting at kids parties because I get to talk to other people.
Or have a very clear role to play. Otherwise I talk myself out of it every time. I remember a friend of mine who experienced this a few years ago, wanting to be there in spirit but often cancelling at the last minute.
Well I understand that feeling so much.
All it takes is my husband to say…’are you sure you want to go?’ Or my girls to say their tummy hurts… and now Mum is in hospital so of course I can’t come because I’m needed…. Even though she has told me categorically she knows we have kids and lives.
So am I really needed?
Am I just creating excuses to not live life fully?
Is the chemical imbalance in my body contributing to that?! I mean I spent 20 years taking the pill… did my body just get hard wired to need it?
All these questions rolling round in my brain… a day in the life of a female entrepreneur I kid you not.
I had convinced myself it was shameful to go back on my word, to make a different choice ‘away’ from the mainstream narrative.
I’m realising it’s all about what’s right for the individual.
Perhaps a blend of holistic practices AND some synthetic help could the answer today.
Maybe I’ll get my va va voom back.
All I know is I hate the fact I feel so very old with two very young and energetic children.
I’ll try anything at this point!
