A Baker’s Dozen Things I’ve Learned From Online Dating

In a span of three years, I’ve dated nearly two dozen different women, and I would estimate that around half of those dates were from meeting women through online dating sites. I recognized the potential of online dating and sought advice on how to leverage this resource to work in my favor. This is what I’ve learned from experts in this area and through personal experience:

1. Your dating profile is your storefront. You literally have seconds to influence (not convince) a complete stranger to look at the merchandise. Just like your resume.
2. Some guys will rack their brains trying to come up with the perfect opening e-mail. Not unlike guys who want the coolest pickup line. This is superficial. Lines don’t work in the online world either.
3. You can send a simple, nothing-fancy message to a woman, and it can be effective as long as she is sufficiently motivated to look at your profile and likes what she sees. While creativity certainly won’t hurt you, it won’t help you if you don’t have the basics down. A clever opening salvo is worthless if your profile is a train wreck. It’s beyond the scope of this article to go into depth about lousy dating profiles.
4. It can be tough out there if you don’t know what you’re doing. One dating coach whom I personally know, estimates that over 90 percent of guys will quit online dating within 90 days because they don’t receive a single response to any of their messages. Swallow your pride and ask for help. Ask friends of the opposite sex to critique your pictures and your profile verbiage. I assume you’ve already run it through a spell-checker. Discreetly look at profiles of same-sex members and do what you can to differentiate yourself from your competitors. Just like in the business world. You can even set up a temporary profile as a member of the opposite sex to get an idea of what he/she experiences online. I guarantee it will be an eye-opener for you.
5. I once set up a “recon” profile as a woman on a dating site, and in the 48 hours that the profile was active, I received around 120 emails from guys, and out of those, only four of them were any good (in my opinion). This means that 97 percent of the emails my female test subject received were fit for the recycle bin. Think about that for a moment. Don’t send a woman a lazy “hey your pretty” email, or tell a female stranger your life story. Avoid those two extremes. And in my opinion, there is no such thing as a “stupid” email. Take risks. The only “stupid” message is the one that a guy is too afraid to send, or one that gets him blocked or banned from the site, or even in legal trouble. Use common sense.
6. It truly is a numbers game. If you’re getting at least one woman to respond for every ten women you contact, believe it or not, you’re actually doing better than average. If your response rate is over 25 percent (one in four), you’re well on your way. Over a 50 percent response rate and you’re golden. Response rate percentage = 100 X # of received emails / # of sent emails. How do you get good at communicating with women online? Just as with any other skill. Practice, practice, practice.
7. The nature of the email exchange is a fairly good indicator of what the person on the other end will be like. Trust your intuition. If the conversation seems dull or otherwise lacking in energy, the phone conversation will likely take on a similar tone. On the other hand, just because an email or text exchange goes well, it does not guarantee that the phone or in-person conversation will go as smoothly.
8. Chemistry truly happens in person. This is why it is important to limit the amount of time you spend online and set up a phone conversation as early as is practical and comfortable for both parties. If the phone chat goes well, then you can talk about making plans to meet in person. Don’t rush the process, but don’t unduly delay things either.
9. Some people want nothing more than the satisfaction of communicating with members of the opposite sex from the safety of their own home. In other words, pen pals. You can spot these types of people fairly quickly. They may become defensive or make excuses for why they are unwilling to talk on the phone after establishing mutual interest online. Don’t waste your time. With experience you will develop an intuitive sense for knowing when the other person is dragging the conversation on and on rather than being interested in moving things forward. I recommend waiting until at least four to six emails have been exchanged before suggesting a phone conversation. Every woman is different, so keep this in mind. But be leery of someone who just wants to keep emailing back and forth.
10. Just because someone “looks good on paper,” i.e. his or her profile meets your criteria, there is no guarantee that you will hit it off with him/her when you meet in person. It is disappointing but it goes with the territory. This is why first dates should be inexpensive and short. For example, I once had a woman meet me at Trader Joe’s and we talked as I bought groceries. Then we went to Starbucks. There are a lot of ways to keep first meetings simple and economical. You always have the option of extending the date if all goes well. In fact, you can use Google Maps to get an aerial view of the neighborhood to get a feel for the attractions in a given area. Confirm that an establishment will actually be open at the date and time you will be there. Minimize unpleasant surprises. Leadership means planning ahead while being flexible.
11. Speaking of looking good on paper, learn how to spot a fake profile. If the person of interest has only one photo and hardly answers any questions, odds are that this person is a scammer or extremely lazy. No good for you. Women are highly cautious by nature, and if you see a profile where she reveals her email address or phone number, know that this is against a dating site’s policy, and she is likely fishing for guys to pay to access her profile on an adult website. You don’t need that. You can report a suspicious profile.
12. Contacting multiple people and having e-mail/text exchanges with more than one person at the same time does not make you a “player.” This is the nature of online dating. People often have several prospects at any given time. No relationship is exclusive until both parties make it so. I would caution you against putting your search on hold just because you had a good first date or phone chat. It’s a lot like job hunting. Would you pause your job search just because you had a good interview? If you want to wait things out after you’ve met someone new, that’s your choice, but know that the other person may not feel the same way. Never put your personal power in the hands of someone else. You’ll be setting yourself up for disappointment.
13. Honesty truly is the best policy. If your experiences with someone you’ve met online don’t satisfy you and make you want to know more about the other person, do the right thing and let him/her know that you appreciate talking with and/or meeting them, but you don’t feel the two of you are a match, and that you wish him/her the best in their search. Always do your best to bring things to closure. It will reflect highly on you.