A Single Woman Reflects on Marriage and Masculinity
I’m a single, African American, female, age 31, with a Bachelor’s, Master’s, and Doctoral degree.
And one day I would like to get married to a man.
Most of my dating experiences have ended for a variety of reasons, either through lack of compatibility, intimidation because of my educational level or career success, or simply because they weren’t satisfied being with one woman.
I would like to find a man like Mark Perego, who took the name of his partner, actress Zoe Saldana.
Rather than act surprised that he took her name, instead we should be asking how his actions affect the modern definition of masculinity in society.
In Zoe’s attempt to address criticism of their mutual decision, she wrote the following response via Facebook,
“Let’s redefine masculinity. A real ‘man’ leads alongside his partner. A real man accepts his mortality. A real man acknowledges that nothing can be done alone.”
Her proclamation is a challenge to men (and women) today to reframe how we view the definition of a man and ultimately the role of a woman. Traditional views of masculinity tend to be associated with hardness, a sense of independence, indifference, and even selfishness. These characteristics leave little room for the care or concern of others and ultimately create levels of distance and solitude.
It’s no secret that Zoe’s had her share of dating ups and downs, and I feel her pain. Throughout the last decade of my life, I’ve had my share of dating experiences that have honestly made obtaining a doctoral degree seem like a piece of cake.
I’d be lying if I said that my view of modern men was not slightly damaged from the experiences I’ve had not only in the dating game but also growing up without my father in the home full-time. Yet one of the most satisfying feelings is when you are able to let go, move on, and move past the hurt you’ve experienced while maintaining hope for the future.
Still no matter how much I may excel as a professional, the odds against me as a professionally educated African American woman to get married.
The marriage rates for black women are lower compared to white women, even if you have a college education, according to Brookings. And the proportion of black college graduates, aged 25 to 35, who have never married is 60 percent. This is compared to 38 percent never married for white college-educated women.
I hear all the time that I should find someone who matches my career drive and educational level. In an ideal world, that would be nice. But I’ve always counted myself as a realist, and the reality is that the likelihood of finding a mate from the same racial background with the same level of educational attainment is dwindling.
I am personally aware of men across the nation, in various fields, and even in my own community, who are striving to alter the traditional male view into one that is full of hope and progression for the future. I am privileged to witness men from a variety of educational, professional, socioeconomic, racial, and ethnic backgrounds that showcase daily what it means to be a man from their perspective. It is men like this who give me hope.
Singleness hasn’t always been my best friend. I’ve had my fair share of struggles in the dating game, some mistakes I’ve made and some made against me. But none of it I will ever regret. Beyond the good and bad times, singleness has afforded me the opportunity to take a deeper look into what it means to be a man and a woman in the 21st century. And what it means is individualized, and it is in the context of your environment.
A name change is just one example of how confidence in your own identity and role can positively influence and strengthen those around you. It shows how society’s view of masculinity takes a back seat to the betterment of those you care for. And it show how the definition of a man can be strengthened by the position of a woman.
Michelle Buggs, EdD, is Director of Undergraduate Academic Programs at Texas Woman’s University and a Public Voices Fellow with The OpEd Project.
