More Pearls of Wisdom in Online Dating
I recently wrote a blog about a baker’s dozen things I’ve learned through online dating over the years. Here are more insights.
People Are Strange. Expect The Unexpected.
We live on a rock with approximately seven billion human beings, each and every one of them with his/her unique values and preferences. We tend to view the world through our own lenses. We get set in our ways as we age. Misunderstandings can happen easily, especially over e-mail, text or IM. We may say one thing, and mean one thing, but the person on the other end can easily interpret the message differently. In the end, people act in their own self-interest, and a negative reaction isn’t entirely because of you. It can sure seem that way, though, and we often lose sleep wondering what we did “wrong.” Hindsight is always 20/20. To quote Noah Vosen in The Bourne Ultimatum: “Decisions made in real-time are seldom perfect. Never judge an operation from an armchair.” And if someone responds to you in a way that leaves you feeling “weirded out,” play the song “People Are Strange” by The Doors.
To Quote Obi Wan Kenobi: “Your eyes can deceive you. Don’t trust them.”
I’ve become overly dependent on what I see in front of me, in plain view. I’m a “when I see it, I’ll believe it” kind of person. Which means I’m out of touch with my other senses, especially the “felt sense.” My coach and some of her students have the uncanny ability to intuit all sorts of messages by looking at a single photograph of a person. Women are particular adept at this. They have a hard-wired survival instinct that enables them to draw conclusions about their own safety and security in the presence of other people, especially men.
The things that women and certain men sense almost immediately can take me hours to notice. I’m relying on vision and face-value assessments, and as a result, missing out on a lot of information. This is why I often look at every single one of a woman’s dating profile photos in an effort to see the big picture. Occasionally I’ve changed my mind after looking at all the pictures instead of relying solely upon the first one.
This also means that although I have a felt sense, at some point in the past, I turned it off in favor of the visual sense. Perhaps this is a self-confidence issue?
Remember that scene in Episode IV of Star Wars — A New Hope? I’m referring to the scene where Obi Wan Kenobi told Luke Skywalker to wear the shield over his head while working with his lightsaber so that his other senses could be engaged. That’s what I’m getting at — we live in a culture of soundbites, Instagram photos, etc., and as a result, acquiring only surface-level understanding. The ability to dig beneath the surface is becoming increasingly rare in today’s world.
What’s the bottom line? When an intuitive person, be it male or female, notices something about a person or the environment that he/she feels is a threat, take it seriously. Don’t blow them off and go “naaahhhhh, you’re crazy.” Never dismiss the experiences of another person; instead, consider his/her unique perspective as an asset. You just might learn something new.
