Online Dating Never Became Cool, Society Just Changed Its Definition Of Uncool
Online dating is about as cool as the silent disco.
A silent disco is a party phenomenon where attendees wear headphones and dance. People may be listening to different channels, so the result is a bunch of people privately having a good time, but collectively dancing off beat. And as ridiculous as that sounds, that’s a visualization of online dating.
There used to be a time when online dating was stigmatized. It was considered something reserved for people with poor social skills. At some point, someone who was thought to be cool tried it, probably as some type of cruel Trojan Horse-esque joke. And much to their surprise, they matched with someone promising. They ended up meeting their match in real life and, again, to their surprise, that person was not so bad. They told another so-called cool person and there soon came a point at which people who had never tried online dating were in the minority.
I get the allure of online dating. Indeed, I’ve been a member of Match, OkCupid, and Tinder and met some amazing women through those services. But, if I’m honest with myself, my time on those sites coincides with some of the lowest points in my life.
My ex-fiancée called off our engagement in October 2011. After trying for most of the next year to get back with her, I gave up and decided to try Match in August 2012 when I moved back to Atlanta from Macon, which is a little more than an hour south of Atlanta. I went on a few dates with someone I met on Match (we’re still friends to this day), but I rarely used the account because I found it relatively easy to meet people in a significantly bigger city.
However, I eventually got frustrated with my string of short-term relationships, so I decided to try the online formulaic approach in November 2013. In my mind, an algorithm would help me find the compatibility I longer for. I decided to try OkCupid this time around because it was free, meaning I had nothing to lose.
I only dated one person on OkCupid and she eventually became my girlfriend. We undoubtedly were compatible, but I was not as attracted to her as I had hoped when we finally met in person.
I decided to give it one last shot and try Tinder in April/May 2014. And, I must say, Tinder works if you want to meet people. I matched with beautiful, intelligent, personality-compatible women every day. Tinder faces the problem of diminishing marginal returns because there are too many people to choose from. The average Tinder user spends a whopping 90 minutes per day on the app. Accordingly, no choice is made at all. I eventually broke free of Tinder and all dating sites, and my dating life has been much better for it.
Why? Because relationships are about making a choice. First, it’s about choosing to be open to meeting someone. Second, it’s about making a choice to approach that person. Someone has to overcome the fear of rejection to make the first move. Finally, once a bond is established, it’s about two people recognizing that there are other people in the world, but making a choice to pass on those options.
Online dating seems to provide users with more choice, but it actually removes choice out of relationships. With regard to the first choice, online dating encourages people to not socialize in the real world. Why go to a party and meet people when you could meet them from the comfort of your own home while binge-watching House of Cards on a Friday night?
Second, and, in my opinion, most importantly, online dating removes the cost of approaching someone. I’ve been approaching women since I’ve been in middle school. It sucked then and it sucks now. I’ve gotten much better, but it’ll always sting when I gain the courage to approach a woman and get turned down.
But that process is necessary. The process of selecting a mate in real life demonstrates genuine interest. Every time I approach a woman, I unconsciously run a cost-benefit analysis in my head: Does the potential benefit of approaching her outweigh the cost of embarrassment? I don’t approach pretty women because there are too many pretty women in this world. The benefit only outweighs the cost with regard to women I consider to be gorgeous.
With online dating, however, especially with Tinder, there is no cost. You can swipe right all you want with no repercussions. You will never know if the person swiped left because it’s possible they may not have used the app or gotten to your “profile.” Accordingly, people “approach” more people on Tinder than they would in real life, which yields false positives. Spoiler alert: You’ll never be happy with someone you chose on Tinder, but would not have chosen in real life.
Finally, online dating creates a FOMO (fear of missing out) culture. Even if you have found an amazing person online, you are constantly thinking to yourself what if someone better is just one profile or swipe away. Obviously, FOMO happens with real-life interactions, but it’s less likely to kick in because you know how much harder it was for you to earn the affection of the person you have. Loneliness is necessary to appreciate the person who removes your loneliness. By solving the problem of loneliness, online dating causes people to value their mate less.
I’m alarmed at how many gorgeous women 1) are on a dating site or 2) ask me why guys don’t approach them in real life. Heck, I once paired with the former Miss Georgia on Tinder. There’s no reason people like her should be on Tinder. I’m sure people said the same thing about a handsome Black male attorney.
And it’s only going to get worse. IAC/InteractiveCorp just announced yesterday that it is going to spin off its dating services (Match, OkCupid, and Tinder) into an IPO under the name the Match Group. That’s right, Match, OkCupid, and Tinder will now be a publicly-traded company.
Now, more than ever, they will be trying to convince people that meeting people online, unlike real life, is cool. But there’s a difference between something being cool and less uncool. Nike and Under Armour are cool. Google and Apple are cool. Tesla is cool. And their stocks certainly reflect that fact.
But making something less uncool doesn’t make it cool. Just look at those Lincoln commercials starring Matthew McConaughey. Lincoln will never become the “it car” for millionaires or even the middle class. The best they can do is convince people that it is socially acceptable to be seen in a Lincoln.
Similarly, the inevitable Match Group media campaign will only serve to convince users or potential users that they haven’t given up on life by using one of their services. But, in reality, you have. Every time you date online, you’ve gotten lazy and given up on connecting with someone in real life. It’s no different than putting on a pair of headphones and dancing by yourself in a room full of people.
