Suddenly, Single
On the same day the Supreme Court of the United States of America announces that everyone has the right to get married, I find myself suddenly single. Can you feel the cruel, irony of the whole happy/sad situation? I’m dying inside.
One can never time events to perfectly coincide with their lives, their hopes, and their ambitions. However, after nine years with my boyfriend, Max*, things have come to an impasse. Our relationship is over. Forever.
Relationships are never an easy beast to keep alive. Like an orchid, they have to be maintained and tended to with the utmost care, consideration, and patience. Alas, we aren’t in relationships with ourselves. We rely on our partners to help tend the garden and help us move forward, not drive us apart. The worst thing is: We’re all people. We make mistakes. We don’t confess our true feelings in order to spare the other person which leads us into an abyss of a strange new world.
Hell, Max and I have spent over 3,200 days together in the last nine years. I suppose that’s why I never expected to be single ever again. You always know it’s a possibility, but unless he dies in a freak accident, you don’t think it’s possible. But it is. Everything is possible.
First, there are the signs. The clues on his phone such as pages on how to hide apps. Next, you realize that he won’t talk to you. Then he doesn’t want to have sex with you. And, of course, you suddenly understand that he’s been pushing you away for months, if not the better part of a year.
I think your gut knows first. Your body always knows what’s right and what’s wrong. We all know that little piece of our mind that simply says, “Um, that isn’t right. That doesn’t sound good.” No one wants to be paranoid. We have to trust the little voices emanating from our souls; they know the truth.
Once you find the proof that your relationship is over, you have to accept it. It hurts. You will cry. You will hate the world. You will hate him. You will hate everything. At some point, you’ll realize the world that you knew is over and you have to start again. You’re suddenly single. You have to learn how to be a single entity again. You have to learn how to date for the first time since George Bush’s second term in office. Think about this: Once you pass nine years, your relationship has outlived a two-term presidency. That’s a feat for the ages.
Now what? On this historic day on the eve of Gay Pride Weekend, it’s a little like wandering in the wilderness. How can I not celebrate the victory for marriage equality when all I want to do is figure out what to do now? There’s only one thing to do now: Live. I will always love Max and mourn that we didn’t make it until the end. But we had a damn good run.
Now I’m in the second act of my life. Will I find true love? God, I can’t even think about it! Being suddenly single is a kick in the ass I didn’t ask for, but, on some level, it may have been the wake-up call I so desperately needed.
Happy marriage equality and happy Pride, everyone.
*“Max” is not his real name.
Andrew Pemberton-Fowler is the writer and executive producer of the web series Dudes. His previous Medium article is “The Gay Man’s Manifesto”. He is newly single.
