What goes on in an Ad Girl’s mind when you’re on your first date?

I speak for a sample size of one — I. Whilst I’m a serial monogamist (my shortest relationship is 3 years and that’s like, 21 lesbian years), I do have gap months where I date a little.

I have never, and will not be able to date an Ad Girl. It’s like Mad Men. I can’t watch it because it reminds me way too much of work. And if their minds run the way mine does, I’m sure they’d be thinking of these:

1. Oh wow, I’m impressed. He managed to get reservation to this spot? I’ve been trying for two weeks but damn it, the manager isn’t a friend’s friend’s friend. Or someone I’ve slept with.
2. What? He didn’t make a reservation?! He expected to stroll in? Who the fuck does he think he is? The Prince of Wales?
3. No reservations. Seriously.
4. These Jimmy Choos are killing me.
5. An hour wait? I could’ve briefed in the 20th round of changes to my Creatives.
6. Hmm. I wonder how long he spends on his hair?
7. Would it be weird if I ask what hair products he’s using, so that I can use them for myself?
8. How hard is it to make a reservation?
9. Maybe he’s a mummy’s boy.
10. Maybe he is gay.
11. Nah, sweetheart, if he was gay, you would’ve been ushered to your table by now. Gays. They know how to treat a woman.
12. I wonder if his Jaeger LeCoultre is real.
13. Alright. Definitely fake. The bugger just said JAY-GER.
14. Finally, we’re seated. Damn these Jimmy Choos.
15. I’d really like that waygu hamburger but there’s no civil way of eating it.
16. Ok, I’m getting the salad.
17. But I really want that hamburger.
18. NO. NO HAMBURGER.
19. The margins on salads are so high. It’s like digital banners.
20. And regional toolkits.
21. I love regional toolkits.
22. But I hate salads.
23. Oh god, not another sob story about bad childhood. Dude, your hands are baby smooth. It’s almost as though you didn’t even need to jerk off on your own.
24. Eew, gross. Did I really just think about that?
25. Blame the stupid salad and that sauce.
26. Nod sympathetically now. Keep nodding.
27. All these years in Advertising has truly trained my poker face.
28. Yes, yes, I fully empathise with your first-world problems about the high cost of living and those gorgeous bespoke shoes of yours.
29. Maybe I need to date someone from a third-world country.
30. I wonder if my artworks are ready.
31. Maybe I should text my Traffic to ask her.
32. Could swing by the office with food for the creatives…
33. Waygu hamburgers!
34. I’ll expense the order under House.
35. As predicted, he is asking me about my hobbies.
36. It’s been a decade and you can’t bring yourself to admit to loving your work so much you don’t care for a hobby?
37. I think my body is allergic to his bad grammar. My eyebrow’s twitching.
38. Or maybe I’m spending too much time with that grammar nazi of a copywriter.
39. Alright, this isn’t going to work. This new biz pitch is over. It’s not happening. Let’s end it here.
40. Fuck. It is 2 hours of my time I cannot bill.