Love First
Published in

Love First

3 Ways To Build Confidence And Self-Esteem

Note: this is a Legacy story, preserved but superseded by the Love First Reboot.

Two years ago, I was feeling more down, depressed, and insecure than ever.

My confidence was shot, my self-image in tatters, and I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I was going through the motions, reacting to the world happening to me, and it made me feel aimless and dissatisfied. I wasn’t making my world my own.

And then there was love.

I didn’t “find love”, it was more like love found me. I stumbled upon Love First, and learned that everything started with my relationship with myself. And I mean everything!

Truth be told, I barely ever thought about my relationship with myself, let alone spend any time tending to it. After all, my “relationship with myself” was just…me… right?


By starting to observe myself as a person I am in a relationship with, I began to create some distance between my conscious mind (the “I” inside my head) and the person I was being. This ‘observer effect’ worked similar to how it does in Physics, in that I started behaving differently:

  • Talking to myself in 2nd or 3rd person helped me see myself as a relationship partner in life, and much like I would with any external partner, it allowed me to see what I was doing with greater perspective and clarity;
  • I became keenly aware of all the negative self-talk I was doing in my head;
  • I realized that, as far as relationships go, I had been neglecting this one.

Self-care had only been a tending to my emotional wounds, not a restoration of my internal well of love. That came from learning to accept and love myself like I would any life partner: unconditionally, and despite flaws still worthy of love and belonging.

In my journey back from low self-esteem I learned three powerful techniques that helped me build my confidence and self-image, and I still use them regularly. If you ever feel insecure, have low confidence, or simply want to give your self-esteem a powerful boost, I invite you to try:

1. Stop diminishing your own light

Negative self-talk reinforces the past you don’t want, and becomes self-fulfilling reality in the future. Saying things like “I’m shy” and “I don’t know how to socialize with strangers” will make it true. Give yourself a break from that kind of self-diminishing chatter in your head by saying “thanks brain, but that’s the old me. I’m changing now.”

2. Go on solo adventures

This builds a stronger sense of independence and self-acceptance. Take yourself out for activities or ‘solo dates’. Allow yourself to interact with strangers (don’t force it to happen; just be willing to let it happen), and try to discover new places: museums, restaurants, movie theaters, dance clubs, whatever tickles your interest even just a little. Take a class in a skill you’d like to develop!

3. Tell stories of your successes

Invite a friend to hang out or go to dinner with and start telling stories of the times in your life you did something well, made something cool, or accomplished something awesome. You don’t need to exaggerate, brag, or be boastful; just share the journey you went through and the positive outcome at the end.

Your life is full of good experiences and bad ones.

We’re often inclined as people to focus more on the negatives we suffer from, sometimes so much that we lose sight of the good things we have and the great things we’ve done. We can remind ourselves of those better experiences by going out into the world on our own, sharing our stories with others, and simultaneously spend less time filling our head with negative self-talk.

After all: you deserve to love yourself. We do.

If you’d like to learn more techniques for creating your best, most authentic self, my upcoming online course will help you master love to build your dream life.

Made With Love First

This article was Made with Love First:

Be Honest And Transparent: my online course, linked at the end, is a paid course. It’s part of my efforts to build a living through teaching people how to communicate in the language of love.
Embrace Vulnerability: I don’t feel like this is good enough. I’m publishing it anyway.
Share Your Stories: The story at the start is a true summary of my 2017.
Say “Yes, and!”: My friends reminded me this weekend to share more teaching content freely, so here I am.
Connect The Dots: This was inspired by a comment I left on a Facebook group about polyamory, where someone asked for help with their partner’s low self-esteem.



Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Faruk Ateş

Faruk Ateş

💖 Person. Polymath, Polyglot, Polyamorous. I support people to lead with their heart and discover their infinite capacity for greatness. (he/him/dragon)