My Husband is 6 Years Younger than Me. Here’s How I Survive the Stigma.
3 Common arguments against our age gap relationship
For some (if not most) society, a lady who’s going out with a younger man is often seen as something that’s against social norms.
Have you ever heard a friend saying, “It will never last!” in a conversation around this topic? Or, people assuming the ‘toyboy’ must be doing it for the money?
Some women would even hide or lie about their age difference for the sake of avoiding this unwanted mudslinging.
From time to time, across cultures, although we’ve seen prominent couples with this age gap unite happily, this type of relationship continues to face social disapproval.
Asian cultures, particularly, together with education, career, financial status, and social background, list age as one of the important factors when it comes to looking for a spouse.
Here are the 3 common reasons, and how I’ve survived this stigma having gone through a marriage life for 7+ years with a man 6 years younger than me.
Argument 1: Men are emotionally less mature than women of the same age.
This is the most common stereotyping, but do you realize that surprisingly people can make this judgment from as early as when we’re kids?
Here’s a real example that happened at my niece’s elementary school.
The school had this regulation of a different minimum age between boys and girls to enroll in grade 1. They could accept girls aged 5 and a half years old, but boys were only allowed to start this level until they reached 6 years old on the basis that boys were emotionally less mature than girls of the same age. While this occurred back in 2010, I’m not sure if they’ve changed the prerequisite.
Somehow, this widely acceptable stigma continues until we become adults. Women often think that it’s better to be romantically involved with men older than them because they’re more capable of showing more empathy and be more committed to a relationship — both are signs of emotional maturity.
Further girl-talk around this topic would be about the view that older men are more ready for a stable relationship leading to tying the knot. They’re also mentally more mature to take care of their partner (and children) compared to younger guys who might be too busy doing their ‘youth lifestyle’. Whether these younger men are ready to adjust to life after marriage with all the responsibilities is a big question mark.
Is that true?
Well, I’ve got to be honest to say that I belong to the opposing group who believes that age is nothing but a number. Upbringing, followed by experience and personality are the major factors that shape a person’s emotional and mental maturity.
My husband grew up and lived in a small town in Central Java. Following his brother’s path, after finishing high school he moved to Jakarta and signed up for an evening course to get a bachelor’s degree. During the daytime, he worked at his brother’s shop, checking inventory and delivering goods, and since Google Maps wasn’t there yet, getting lost was a usual thing being a newbie to the big city. Despite the struggles, he succeeded to graduate on time, and thanks to the daytime work, he already had something on his portfolio when he started looking for a job.
His persistence and his personality of being sociable have turned him to become independent and have — I would say — a more sense of responsibility compared to his peers of the same age. He was 26 and I was 32 when we met, and I found it hard to believe he was 6 years younger than me.
He once said he couldn’t talk to women his age. They just weren’t able to understand the things he was trying to say and vice versa. He was also hoping to get a sense of calmness mixed with strength from a person he’d like to be with, which he said was more likely to be found in a woman more senior than him.
I would have lied if I said I didn’t have doubts at the beginning, especially when this was the only time I got very close with a man younger than me.
Nonetheless, we decided to get married, and as time passed by and with mutual efforts and understanding, we somehow managed to keep the balance in our relationship.
True that sometimes emotional stability is brought along by age, but not necessarily always happens.
Argument 2: It’s just against biology.
Another social disapproval of a ‘younger man — older woman’ relationship comes from the stigma around women’s aging and biology.
Before getting married, family members, friends, and colleagues liked to give me advice about the right age gap between a wife and her husband. They would point out that due to women’s physical factors which could make them quickly lose their attraction, my future husband should be at least 5 years older than me, but not more than 10 years older. Even my mother is 6 years younger than my father.
This prejudice has been said tons of times that it’s becoming something that our society accepts as ‘normal’.
Just last month, I was with a few colleagues and one senior female manager was giving our newcomer — a fresh graduate girl — advice about relationships. And guess what, the same age gap suggestion was still announced. No one there knew about the age difference between my husband and I. I just kept silent, preferring to put the senior lady in the spotlight.
I totally agree that physical attraction and sexual desirability is important in a relationship. And trust me, I also questioned my husband before we got married on how he felt about this.
He was fully aware of it.
He understood all that sayings about women getting older sooner than men. Also, there’s a certain biological point that women would reach that men wouldn’t. However, he didn’t see it as a reason for having a dim future with me.
It’s now been more than 7 years since I posed him that question — and look, we’re still together.
Sure, this might be too early to say, and no one can guarantee I would have a long‐lasting marriage with him. What I can tell you now, after all these years being with him, never have I felt any pressure of looking or dressing against my age, nor did I feel too worried about any biological circumstances.
We just kind of accept things as they are and acknowledge that these things are, well… the forces of nature?
Argument 3: The money issue.
Is he doing it for the money?
People would probably wonder about the real intention of a guy when they see him going out with a more financially successful older lady.
What makes this also regarded as a taboo is the strong belief in some cultures that a woman should be ‘financially protected’ by the man — and not vice versa. Thus, choosing to be with a man older than you — and presumably also wealthier — is always preferred.
People might also alert you to be cautious, because a younger man can eventually be intimidated by an older female having a better career, higher income and more experience. This warning especially came from my squad, and while I appreciated their remarks as a sign that they cared about me, I also knew that this might not always be the case.
When we decided to be more committed to our relationship, we began to reveal our incomes to each other. At that point, we both were doing a full-time job and yes, I earned more than him.
Then, a year after our wedding, I gave birth to our first son. I wanted to have more time to take care of our baby at home and more freedom to breastfeed him. So, I decided to switch to a part-time job. I even took a career break for almost a year.
My last full-time job was the type of job that required me to travel frequently and often do weekend work. Realizing my wish to be closer to my children (later our second son was born), I took a different career path when I re-entered the workforce full-time. My goal was to switch to a less busier role so that I could have a more work-life balance, now that we’ve got kids in our family.
During this period where I had a slower career pace, my husband’s career levelled up, making him the breadwinner in the house.
It might sound as if I was doing it on purpose to let him be the ‘winner’, however, the truth is….it was more like an agreement.
I knew I wanted to be financially independent, but I also felt the need to be there for our sons in their early years while their dad was away working. I understood that with my wish, I might not be able to drive at a full speed with my career. And my husband, although he never had any objection to my career choice, continued supporting me in my decision.
A different financial scenario happens to the same kind of relationship. One friend has a wife who is older than him. His wife, working for a high-paying industry, enjoys making a living for the family, while my friend likes (and is good at) taking care of the housework and kids. Their marriage works just fine — and my friend takes pride in being a stay-at-home dad. People may judge that it’s not ideal, but, what if it may very well be a long-lasting union?
Insecurity caused by this money-related prejudice can always occur. If you’re having a relationship with this age gap, instead of hiding your inconvenience, try to be open about your financial situation and communicate your wishes and expectations to your partner. Doing this will help to overcome any misleading thoughts and wrong perceptions about the stigma.
Final words
It takes more than just a look at the surface to judge whether or not a ‘younger man — older woman’ relationship is equal, or whether or not the couple is happy.
Will the stigma ever fade? Frankly, I doubt it.
But, whatever people say, things can turn out to be the total opposite. And if anything proves that, it’s my own story of surviving the stigma.
