The Only Two Questions You Need When Defining The Relationship

…and neither of them is “What are we?”

Defining the relationship (DTR) is generally a conversation centered around two questions: What are we and where is this going?

Traditionally, the answers to these questions tend to point to things such as “we’re boyfriend and girlfriend or husband and wife” and “we’re working towards a long-term commitment and possibly a family.”

The problem with these questions and answers is that they don’t clearly define how we plan to serve our partnership, and how we need it to serve us in return. This generates a lot of poor assumptions around commitment, communication, sex, and more.

Instead, the better questions when defining the relationship are “What can I count on you for?” and “What do you need?”

These questions can and should be revisited regularly.

Answers to these questions may range from things like monogamy, a weekly date night, or candid conversation when I feel something is wrong.

Being truthful about these things seems to be integral when working towards cultivating the intimacy required for a sustainable, long-term relationship.

We are constantly defining and redefining our partnerships. It seems best to do it consciously, honestly, and with the intention of getting closer.

Here. We. Go.

Love, Jmw.

About me

My name is Jared. I believe that self-expression is the key to freedom. So I’ve spent my life building things that give people a voice. I’ve talked to thousands of people about their love and sex lives as the host of Touchpoint. I’m currently writing my first book on the relationship between emotional intelligence and sexuality.

For more info about my work, talks, and all the things, check out

If you enjoyed this story, hit the 👏 below. It will mean more people can see the story, and we’d be super grateful.


Real people. Talking sex.

Jared Matthew Weiss

Written by

Founder at Touchpoint


Real people. Talking sex.

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade