The Buddha’s Way of Dealing with Others’ Opinions of You
We’ve all encountered situations where we have been criticised, so we all know how painful it can be. Community has always been very important to our survival, so evolution has wired our brains to give a great importance to how others perceive us, especially if it is someone close to us. I’ve seen friends developing anxiety over what they imagined others might think of them, and I have personally struggled with accepting both criticism and praise.
Since the opinions of others — real or imagined — can have such profound effects on our emotional lives, it is very important to know how to deal with it properly.
Take some time to breathe
Our instinctual response to criticism is to fight back: someone said something bad about me, so now I will point out faults in the other person. When we are not emotionally flooded, it’s easy to see how this approach only perpetuates the problem, and creates a cycle of suffering. The Buddha recognised that a suffering state of mind leads to actions that bring about more unhappiness: and that these cycles can be put an end to if we know where to intervene. (One may even say that this is the real meaning of the ‘cycle of death and rebirth’). So when we are in a situation where we are hurt, it’s important to take a few deep breaths to regain some clarity.
Examine the other person’s wisdom
Not all criticisms are created equal. The Buddha says that kind criticism from wise people, who have your best interest at heart, can be an opportunity to learn, and to grow. Seeing yourself from the external perspective of someone who has the psychological maturity to see things clearly can be extremely useful. That said, people like this are in short supply. Most people’s views are very much shaped by their emotions, trauma, memories, concepts, etc. Once you understand that people are limited in their views in this way, you can also see that their opinions about you don’t carry that much weight either. (And that goes for your opinions of others as well. You can never see the full picture about another person.)
See criticism and praise as “winds”
In the Buddhist tradition, criticism and praise are seen as two of the eight “worldly winds”. The metaphor of wind is a really appropriate one: like the weather, people’s opinions change all the time, even among all the impermanent phenomena of the world, they are especially impermanent. If we let them, winds can carry us away, but if we are mindful, we can stand firmly, and just observe them as they blow. In the Lokavipatti Sutta, the Buddha says that ordinary people, who don’t know how to deal with their minds, are moved around by the winds of the world, but those who see them as they are, always changing and unimportant, can let them go.
This of course goes for positive words as well. Since people are bound by their misunderstandings, it’s not a good idea to take praise too seriously either. In my work I often feel that projects I have invested a lot of time and mental energy in go almost unnoticed, while small, easier things are singled out, and I receive a pat on the back for them. Thich Nhat Hanh has a good advice for receiving praise: when someone says something nice about you, you can always say (or at least, think): “You are partly right”. This way you acknowledge that praise is also just an opinion that arises from a human being with limitations, and you don’t get too attached to it.
Remember: it’s not about “you”
When people criticise something about us — our looks, our views, our intelligence, our actions — we are often hurt because we identify with these things. We think that we are our looks, our views, our intelligence, and our actions. But it is not exactly true. Human beings are complex entities that are made up of different mental states, bodily structures, and change from moment to moment. We can be in a certain way in a certain situation, and display a completely different face in another. So it is important to remember that when someone criticises you, even if it has some truth in it, it is only always a part of the truth — but it doesn’t define you in any way.
Remember: people own their own words
In the Akkosa Sutta, the Buddha is insulted by a brahman. After he has calmly listened through all the badmouthing hurled at him, he had this conversation with him:
“Brahman, when you invite people at your house, serving them food — if they refuse your food, who does that food belong to?”
“It belongs to me, of course.”
“In the same way, as you gave me these words, and as I don’t accept them, they belong to you, only you.”
You always have the option to let the bad words remain with the one who said them. Looking even deeper, seeing that insults are signs of suffering, it can even be the beginning of compassion. You have the option to not let insults in. But the one who said is bound by their own mind, words, and actions.
At the end of the sutta, the Buddha reminds us:
You make things worse
when you flare up at someone who’s angry.
Whoever doesn’t flare up
at someone who’s angry
wins a battle hard to win.
You live for the good of both
— your own, the other’s —
when, knowing the other’s provoked,
you mindfully grow calm.
