I AM.
It was a feeling I felt so often. So much so, it felt like I was so heavy, and that my chest would tighten.
The constant pressure to have to perform a certain way. To be OUTSTANDING. To be perfect. And knowing that if something goes wrong, I will completely unravel and have no idea what to do.
Being put on a pedestal that I didn’t want to be put on in the first place. AND THEN, having to please the people who put me there!
To feel that if I fail in any kind of way, the people that have been watching, and maybe even the ones that cheered me on, will say, “well, did you even TRY??
The pressure to conform. To do things the way everyone else does it instead of paving my own way, because I didn’t know who I was. Or, because I did know, but I was ashamed of it, and wanted to be someone else.
I know now that this overwhelming pressure took root in past experiences and negative perceptions of myself, and I allowed those things to weigh me down for years.
It’s rooted in a false belief that I am not good enough to be loved by just being who I am alone. The false belief that I had to be more than just me and at the same time please EVERYONE.
I focused on all sorts of projects, tasks, and ventures, to the point where I was over committed and I was not actually working toward anything.
In my efforts to please, I started doing everything I could possibly do to fill every minute of my time, leaving no space for reflection. And I absolutely had to do everything all at once because that was so much more impressive than taking my time and doing things step by step. The false belief that if I show people I can handle all of this, all at one time, then I am worthy!
Rather than doing things with my own purpose or intent, I did them to gain the validation of others. So that way, when someone asks me to tell them about myself, I can just vomit all those things and they’ll welcome me with open arms. This fear that if I didn’t have an extensive resume, I would give myself to someone, and they would not give themselves in return….
That chest-tightening pressure is rooted in the idea of letting others tell me who I am, because that’s who THEY want me to be. They open this tiny little box, put you inside, and then they seal it shut.
It is so easy to get absorbed in someone else’s world, and someone’s else’s idea of who you should be.
One experience that comes to mind is when I told my college boyfriend that I wanted to be a doctor. Really during that time I was binge watching Grey’s Anatomy, and I thought I maybe wanted to be, a scrub-sporting, scalpel-holding surgeon. I wanted to make a difference and I wanted to save lives!
And I did seriously consider it. I’ve known for a long time that all I want to do is positively impact and inspire others. I just felt like I needed to make some big gesture, or obtain a medical degree in order to do that.
So he told EVERYONE that his girlfriend was going to be a doctor, to show how proud he was. Looking back on it now, he just believed I was great, I just didn’t. I didn’t believe I had really done anything yet. And I felt it then. The pressure. Weighing on me. To have all the answers. To be great.
I already had this little voice in my head from an experience at a younger age that said, “ look, you don’t tell anyone anything because if you do, and you fail, you’re going to let everyone down.”
So when I failed a class my last semester in college and didn’t meet the required credits to get my Bachelor’s, he was SO disappointed. I remember him saying, “How did you do this? You have so much potential. I told everyone that my girlfriend was going to go to med school after she graduated.”
I had nothing to say back, and now that little voice was yelling. I was disappointed in myself for letting him down. Letting HIM down! When really, I should’ve been focused on how I was disappointed for letting MYSELF down. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to be a doctor. I was never really sure of a lot of things at that time. But how in the hell was I supposed to live up to my full potential if I was allowing someone else to define what that meant for me? He put me in the doctor box, and I felt I needed to be that because that’s who I thought he wanted me to be.
So there it was…. pressure…filled with anxiety. And while I didn’t have a direct response to his disappointment then, the response to myself was internalizing my fear of disappointing him or anyone else in the future.
To medicate, I found myself straddling a line between doing absolutely everything…and absolutely nothing. For fear I wasn’t doing enough and for fear that if I even attempted something I really wanted to do, I would fail everyone. A very crippling conundrum.
I kept doing everything and nothing over and over again until I was just exhausted. Burned out. And all for what? I didn’t have anything to show for it……except anxiety!
At that point, I just wanted to run away. And after receiving a rejection letter from the peace corps, I realized I needed a change. A real change. Not just refuge. I needed to shift the way I thought about myself and why I did the things I did. I needed to take action on the things that I wanted to do, and say no to the things that were draining me (and that did not mean re-applying to the peace corps).
I began with relieving the pressure of trying to be someone for everyone else but myself. Replenishing my own power by shedding light on a fear that left me stuck. Using that power every damn day to hold faith in myself and take myself seriously.
Relieving the pressure of not knowing my true identity. In order to make an impact and inspire others, I had to start with myself. I needed to find out who I was, so I wouldn’t become someone else. I needed to gain the confidence within myself so that I could encourage others to always stay true to themselves.
Who I am is not a one word answer, and I am still figuring it out. Who I want to be is not something I run away from anymore because I know I am capable of laying my own foundation, brick by brick. It is actual work. I don’t believe I will just wake up one morning and go, “I FOUND MYSELF,” and then that’s it. I work at it every day, and this is a job that I know I will have for the rest of my life.
My career, the roles I play throughout life, (girlfriend, entrepreneur, Dr. Miranda Bailey) do not define who I am. Because those roles will change.
Who you are is defined by your character. In this moment, I feel so relieved to be able to define who I am on my own, continue to nurture that definition, and watch it evolve. Reminding myself not to succumb to external pressure and inspiring others to love who they are and live the lives THEY want, outside of a box.
If am sure of anything now, I am sure that when someone asks me “tell me about yourself?” I can say, WITH CONVICTION, I am….
A lover
I am Loyal
I am Confident
I am Passionate
I am Compassionate
I am Kind
I am STUBBORN AF
I am Resilient
I am Relieved.
