Why is the status of friendships worth investigating?
Chinese tradition says to have no more than fingers. Africans proverbs propose that one should hold them with both hands. Someone unknown guy says that they are like stars because while we may not see them, we always know that they are there, and the Bible says to choose them slowly. Friends! Every now and then, we all wonder if we have good ones or even if we even know how to truly show up in friendship for someone else. In fact, a sneak peek at our “friend’s” heart might be critically important from this time forward, especially as there are so many people out there who are quite willing to wear the “fake friend” mask, just so that they can take advantage of us. In 2018, an American CEO gave an intriguing talk about it. Anne Barnes cited a 30-year study which started in 1980 showing only 30% of the students investigated with highly toxic and egoistic traits or as I like to put it, displaying “weeds of the garden” syndrome. By 2010 though, she noted this figure had jumped to 70%. So, whether you think it’s under the radar or not, something is happening. Just maybe the caliber of friendships is under attack from society.
What do all good friends do?
As social media takes over our daily lives, some folks really don’t talk much anymore. It seems to be the price we pay for technological progress. Instead, we now send each other memes and thirty second videos (because they dare not be any longer), but we hardly ever ask questions of each other. Ironically though, asking questions is how we start to build intimacy with another person. One wonders if, in the melee of all these forwards, we have somehow forgotten that. But yes indeed! It starts that simply. “What have you been up to?”, “Did the day treat you well?”, “I’m having ups and downs. Is anything kicking your behind these days?” These are the conversation starters. They set us down a path of discovery, getting all the nitty-gritty details of life’s twists and turns. And most of all, as we listen to the sagas of the day, it shows we care.
But there’s a perennial problem!
I guess it’s easy to run away from the vulnerability of these chats though. It’s even easier to fall prey to the trap that we should be easy-breezy every day and all day; as happy as wild horses, with not a care in the world. In fact, isn’t it ironical that this very same gay abandon, or too often pretense of it, feels like a “must do” where the reigns are pulled tight, demanding this lifestyle of us? Yet, oddly enough, many of these folks don’t even feel they have the right to start inspiring conversations about their happiness. They’ll post a picture about it. They’ll even temper their emotions for the sake of not being too boastful. But they won’t have that heart to heart talk with anyone. That’s one group. To the contrary, we know there are others. Let’s just say that some folks are steady enough to know that life hits hard sometimes, dealing both aces and deuces. But even these folks don’t want to talk. They are duped into thinking that sharing challenges somehow communicates failure, instead of the resilience and sense of striving it ought to, and so, they too say nothing much.
Back to the answer…
Don’t be fooled though. There’s a lot to be had from honest conversations with true friends. There’s a lot to be gained from having hard tête-à-têtes and not backing away from that openness in general, at least when it’s done respectfully. Friends discover their friends’ boundaries. They also see where they can push each other to be the best they can be; iron sharpening iron. And last but not least of course, they just get to know each other at a deeper level, cognizant of what they could put their heads on a block for, saying “yay” or “nay” about this person, without any pressure for perfection applied. This is where real friends show up and show up consistently; ready to be a part of our lives, to invest in our happiness in whatever way they can; whether it’s just to have a spec of involvement or go all the way to a spectacle. This is where we see who is truly in our inner circle. This is where, as Les Brown would put it, we evaluate, whether we have “only quality people” close to us or not.
If we do have quality people around us, chances are these folks are interested in us, in our well being, and don’t only show up when we can do something for them. Chances are they are worth being called a “confidant” because not only are they transparent, holding our best interests at heart, but also unselfish. These are the people who will make time to connect, (more than just 5 seconds), will pray for us, will give us the practical help we need when we need it, or will network for us when they can’t. They will make sacrifices for us, will admit their own faults, and if they are really the best metal, will keep holiness at the center of their relationships with us. Certainly, that’s a friend.
How do you find true friends? (just in case you’re running low)
It’s easy. Don’t be too quick to trust; let folks prove themselves. Watch to see if they will stand by you or abandon you in times of trouble. Be on the look-out for those who will turn against you when your viewpoints aren’t popular and compare them with those who’d rather show interest in the meat of your arguments. Consider whether they are as loyal as the seasons, if you are goodhearted enough to be deserving of it, of course. Pick people whose worldview make room for the impossible. Choose people who will push you to find a model for (or even make one for) what you’re called to do. Observe if conversations will descend to the depths of name calling and even subtle aggression or if instead, opinions can be held courteously, and further judge the actions of those around you by how much they speak of fear of the Lord.
How can you be one?
Do everything you’d expect a friend to do for you.
