ACT Strategies for Parents

Usable strategies > abstract concepts; am I right?

Dropping anchor during conflict for calm and clarity (ACT concepts: acceptance and being present, adapted from Russ Harris, 2009)

When you find yourself feeling burnt out, stretched and spinning in every direction, drop your anchor.

What does this mean? Close your eyes and imagine a boat at sea getting tossed and turned and struck on all sides. Now picture a looming storm on the horizon. Dropping the anchor, and letting it fall heavily to the seabed helps to ground said boat and prevent it from going further into said looming storm. How can you drop your anchor during a difficult interaction or when faced with just too many things?

Strategy: Whether sitting or standing, plant your feet firmly on the floor, as if you aim to grow roots. Notice the floor beneath you and feel the tension in your feet and calves. Look around you and notice what you see, hear, touch, and even smell. You may well be thinking, ‘who has the time to do that?’, but that two second pause can provide you with just enough calm and strength to show up as your best self, during a difficult moment.

Making values visible for energy and focus (ACT concepts: values and committed action)

There is always a “why” behind what we do, with a lineage of more meaningful “why’s” behind that when we dig a little deeper.

For example, when my son was younger, I’d ask him to tie his shoes before leaving for school, even though he complained about having to do it and struggled through the process. Why? Because he needed to learn how to tie his shoes. Why is that? Because I may not always be available to help him, and at school his teacher could be busy, and he might get frustrated or feel bad about himself if his peers can tie their shoes and he cannot. Why does that matter? I want my son to become more independent and confident in himself and his abilities. The deeper value here was… and is… my son’s confidence and independence. This is just one example, but we all have values we hold dear, and acknowledging them and making them visible helps us to remember them when most needed.

Strategy: Set a reminder on your phone that pops up every weekday morning at 7am during your getting the kids ready routine. Keep your reminder message short and sweet, and include your value(s) in your message.

Similar ideas: Position a bright post-it by your keys to energize you before heading out the door to work, or a reminder on your calendar before a difficult presentation (maybe your value here is courage or audacity in your career).

Unsticking from the “I’m a bad parent” story for mental space and peace (ACT concept: defusion)

Our thoughts are powerful, and unfortunately, there is no off switch.

Are your thoughts telling you that you have failed as a parent, because you got dinner through a drive-thru, your home is a mess, or your child just watched two hours of Cocomelon while you finished your work emails? When you have a thought circling your mind, such as “I’m a crappy parent” or “I’m failing at life right now”, it makes it even harder to be a present parent for your kids. Another reason to beat yourself up right?

As a chronic over-thinker myself, I’m happy to share some favorite defusion practices below. What’s the point? These strategies just might clear some mental space for you, which means more room to think productively and more space to enjoy the world (and the people) around you.

Strategies (using example thought “I’m failing at life right now.”):

Use the power of sarcasm and thank your mind:

• “Thank you mind for sharing that information with me.”
• “So I’m failing at life; That is a very interesting concept and super helpful right now!”
• “I appreciate your input. It’s just what I needed.”

Add more words to your thought:

• “I’m having the thought that I’m failing at life right now.”
• “I am noticing that I’m having the thought that I’m failing at life right now.”
• “I just realized that I am noticing that I’m having the thought that I’m failing at life right now.”

Thoughts as computer pop-up ads:

• Picture yourself watching a favorite YouTube video, and you are interrupted by an advertisement with a visual countdown. Now see your thoughts in this same manner, as annoying ads that interrupt a joyful or focused moment in life. Visualize the negative thought you are having as an advertisement that intrudes upon your present moment.

Change how you say your thought:

• Sing your thought in a very low or very high voice (your choice as to whether this remains internal or is shared out loud).
• Say your thought very, very slowly, in a monotonous robotic voice.
• Say your thought in a flirtatious manner. Ooh la la!

We all need a little self-compassion right now. Give one of these ACT strategies a try and make it your own!