Can Your GrimDark Beat The Germans!
This is an article with a title written in the form of a question but ending with an exclamation point because the obvious answer is of course No, it fucking can’t. Your GrimDark cannot beat the Germans!
First of all the Germans are unbeatable on this front because their national park is called the Black Forest and their children’s literature is all about little kids and old ladies being cut into pieces or eaten by wild beasts first collected by guys with the surname Grimm! How much more obvious could it be — GrimDark cannot beat the Black Grimm! Black Grimm is not Benjamin Grimm, it is the fucking Germans.
Second of all GrimDark was made by this guy
Alan Moore, a.k.a
Stoned Rasputin
Alan Moore can’t beat the Germans because Alan Moore’s main shtick has been writing stories in which things are awful because the Germans win (or won), and also because the only drugs anyone has access to in Moore’s world is the brown acid.
GrimDark was created by Alan Moore and perfected by George R.R. Martin, two men who don’t know how to use a razor but think they can beat the Germans.
George R.R Martin a.k.a
Sadist Claus
George R.R. Martin’s entry into this contest, The Game of Thrones, is a world where the middle ages in Britain lasted for 10,000 years and oh yeah, also there are zombies. Martin’s focus is the doings of the royals in his surrogate Britain, who in the real world were all a bunch of Germans from the House of Wettin which is a great name for conjuring up images of fat-lipped sociopaths in uncomfortable clothing and drafty castles pouting over the technical issues involved in killing people.
Both of these idiots need to realize you can’t beat the Germans by imagining you were German! The Germans have been at this game for all their lives, which they wish would be over soon so that they may embrace sweet nothingness.
But now the Germans have had enough, enough of these hacks trying to beat the Germans at their own game! And so, because Germany isn’t exactly known for subtlety, their latest entry to prove they still have the goods is called simply DARK. A show created with a simple ambition — that nobody else ever thinks they can be darker than the Germans ever again!
To prove this the Germans constructed a show set in a world much like ours in a small rural German community in which many people are related to each other, even if they aren’t aware of it (like most small rural communities the world over), and where people have a hard time keeping their marital vows. And because it isn’t enough that people run around and have sex with people in the local area, the have also added in time travel to the mix so that people can go back into the past and have sex with people there.
I know you’re wondering how can this possibly beat worlds in which everyone is horribly killed and tortured every day forever, but you forget that on Dark everyone is having sex with everyone else while being GERMAN, and that beats infinity murder!
But seeing is believing, so here are some Germans and Not Germans being miserable — let’s see who wins!
Contest 1 — Sunbathing Execution vs. Loving German Family!
Above is a good man who is going to have his head chopped off for being good, his execution ordered by a psychopathic little tyrant whose incompetent rule will in all probability lead to the extinction of all humanity when ice zombies attack, and he has just seen that his young daughter is there to watch him be killed.
Above we have a German boy who has found out his sister that stayed out all night and nobody knew where she was has come home and is safe and sound.
Winner? Quite clearly the German although it might be hard to see because it’s so fucking dark! Why the hell is the soon to be dead guy being allowed his last moments to sunbathe?!
Contest 2 — Finding out something you didn’t know vs. Finding out something you didn’t know
Above we have a time traveling German explaining to another time traveling German that wants to commit suicide that unfortunately he can’t commit suicide because that would introduce a paradox into time because his older (later in time) self already exists.
This is a woman who has just realized she is in a trap and that she and her family are about to be murdered viciously by the people she thought were her friends and allies.
For a German to make something darker than the Red Wedding all he has to say is “No, you can’t kill yourself”
Bad luck for you, Sado Santa!
Contest 3 — The End Of Life For An Evil Little Prick vs. German stares at grave!
Here we have a sadistic little narcissist who has been poisoned and is dying and knows it, a narcissist who knows that soon the world will no longer contain him and a sadist who realizes that all the people he wants to hurt will escape him.
Here a German visiting the grave of members of his family that died 3 years previously.
I think this one’s actually sort of a tie, but perhaps it falls slightly to the German anyway, as obviously reflecting on the death of people you love is the German national pastime so what for the psychopathic young King Joffrey is the most momentous and terrible occasion in the history of the world for the German is Wednesday.
Contest 4 — What’s in a name vs. Don’t die, Daddy!
Above we have a German boy who has just found out his father’s real name is Boris!
Here we have a young girl getting ready to watch her father be executed.
Again, another clear winner for the Germans. The expression of the daughter about to see her parent executed is about the level of distress evinced by a German about to have an ice cream — a happiness tinged ever so slightly with the ever-present realization that the world is meaningless and we all die alone in the end, if we are lucky. You think maybe that’s unfair? OK, here is a German child enjoying their ice cream
Image from https://www.thelocal.de/20150901/five-reasons-to-love-germany-in-autmn a listicle written by depressive drunks desperately trying to convince themselves to last another year! Seriously, one of the reasons is there are less wasps in Autumn!
Also, that picture is a one thousand mile stare into the heart of darkness! Conclusion: You cannot beat the Germans!
INTERLUDE 1 — Examining Schrödinger’s dirty, hairy, German.
Amazingly enough these three pictures are not of the same hairy, good looking, dirty, sweaty guy, at different points in the space time continuum, living in parallel worlds of something that a German can explain. Nope, in a line you have a German, a fantasy Brit played by a Dane, and an American who is mad.
But only one of them is really grim about reality, the German one on top who just got zapped by some electricity in his arm while doing some mad scientist shit to try to make time travel work.
The mopey Fantasy Brit-Dane in the middle is telling the sad story about how he’s a knight that had to do a dishonorable action for the good of other people and now everyone hates him, also instead of getting his arm zapped he had the lower half chopped off.
The American version is mad because he has to wait to kill the guy who caused his father to kill his mother and commit suicide and made him grow up a poor orphan while that guy reads a letter detailing all this stuff written by the pre-teen version of himself (the dirty, sweaty, hairy American in the picture)
Let’s just look at them again -
I just wanted to ask, DAMN, how can you look that depressed at just having your arm get zapped!? You’re still getting to do groovy mad scientist stuff, please dirty, sweaty, hairy German — get some perspective, look how much worse your counterparts have it!
OK, interlude over, back to battle as the Germans like to say before having sex 75 years in the past!
Contest 5 — Did our evil overlords murder everyone vs. You don’t pay attention to me!
Above, Alan Moore gives us a police inspector discussing the blindingly obviously true ‘hypothetical’ that perhaps their far-right, Neo-fascist government has had hundreds of thousands of people killed and even more tortured in their march to tyrannical control of the country.
Above is a German upset that his father is an emotionally absent theorist who has never asked him if he actually cares to take over the family watchmaker business!
Look, Alan Moore, you can’t win. Not just because your model of things being bad is based on whimsical British people pretending to be German, but also because the Germans you are pretending to be are 80 years out of date now. Germans have evolved to become more German. That German above is a modern German — a German who has had 80 years more Germanicity pervading his essential being in the fabric of time. These Germans of today that you are competing with have built on that foundation of the past a towering edifice of being existentially depressed about how meaningless it is to have sex with people in a world where bad things happen that you cannot even comprehend, no matter how many psychedelics you take while listening to Syd Barrett era Pink Floyd. I know I sound like a madman when I say this so I thought you of all people would understand the point I am trying to make, which is: You can’t beat the Germans!
Contest 6 — I Love You vs. I will be killed if I love anyone!
Here’s a German who has just had sex with the extremely attractive German girl he loves and wants to give her some jewelry to show his affection. Look how happy he is.
This man is explaining that he is a homosexual and in the GrimDark world he lives in being so means he would be tortured and killed if found out,, and thus he can never be with anyone he loves and must always pretend to be a heterosexual. Later on in the movie he is actually tortured and killed for this (and other political reasons)
Has any human being ever been less able to beat the Germans at being moody than Stephen Fry, god love him, the answer, as I’m sure he would say, is Dear me, no!
That wasn’t really fair, let’s try again.
Contest 6 — I have a really really sad story vs. I Love You!
Here we have one from the GrimDark halls of fame, the son of a domineering father who hates him tells the story of how his wife he married young was given by the father to soldiers for sex and he was forced to watch.
Here’s a German who has just had sex with the extremely attractive German girl he loves and wants to give her some jewelry to show his affection. Look how happy he is.
YES! Peter Dinklage, perhaps the greatest actor of his generation when armed with one of GrimDark’s ultimate weapons is able to tie a German armed only with the power of post-sex tokens of love. That is impressive work, but can he beat others?
Contest 7 — Here we are living in Paradise vs. I have a really really sad story!
This is a German after all the bad things have been fixed and they are now living in a German version of paradise! So just a German being German, nothing else.
Peter Dinklage again, with ultimate GrimDark trauma.
Sorry Peter Dinklage, you were a valiant foe, but even you cannot beat the Germans when they are just being average Germans!
Sure a German boy in love right after sex telling the girl he had sex with he loves her, you can match that boy misery for misery, but a German lady drinking with friends — feel the despair!
I mean I could do this all day, I could watch the show and almost every time you see a German face that face is sadder and more upset about trivial things going on then any show where people are being raped, murdered, tortured, or made to watch German shows about daily existence.
Here, this is the picture of that same German boy in love who has just found out his girlfriend isn’t prostituting herself but only selling prescription drugs to a transvestite
.
I could go on, but let’s not. Instead let’s go back to this guy
Now the interesting thing about this guy is — he’s living in the aforementioned Paradise! What is Paradise for a German, you ask? Well Germans can be quite cryptic when talking about paradise, also their expressions get really sad and they mumble a lot, but as far as I have been able to determine paradise is still living in some little German town and having sex with different Germans while looking sad, but not having any time travel so you can’t end up somewhere to have sex with people that you only read about in old newspaper clippings or family letters.
It’s probably coincidental and not at all a deep insight into the national character that most American time travel shows involve going back in time and using your knowledge of sports teams or the stock market to get rich and German time travel involves going back in time and having sex with someone and then sitting morosely and alone later thinking about how pointless everything is. Nobody even puts money into the bank and then waits for the magic of compound interest to make them rich in the future! No they just hop around in time having sex and feeling miserable!
Of course other cultures also send people back in time to have sex, let’s compare
Contest 8: Sex In The Past Free For All
Mother tells her attractive time traveling son that she knows how to park, nervous excitement is the result.
Did the nasty in the pasty.
Time Traveling German woman after having satisfying sex, being told by the man that he loves her.
Same time traveling German woman finding out she is pregnant from having great sex with a guy who isn’t an ancestor or anything creepy.
Here we have a time traveling transsexual who is going to have sex with a past female version of himself, and then dump her, which was a character forming incident for him which made him bitter and not trusting of anyone ever.
You
Can’t
Beat
The
Germans!
In fact I don’t even think any of those other people even realize there could be a competition in this area. But the Germans realize, and they’re in it to win it, even if winning looks like an eternal sad emoji crying in darkness.
Finally, in another hit from the German version of paradise, here is a German talking about how wonderful it is to be German and just living in a small town with your friends without going back in time to have sex with relatives, and no one being tortured or killed.
The End! The End! The End! Oh My God! The End!
This article was written by IG Agent 77 with some help from IG Agent 18 who lived some time in Germany as a youth.
