Great Endings That Didn’t Make Sense
As anyone with any degree of sense we are of course concerned with the quality of books, music, and movies that we encounter in our day to day wanderings through the several congruent realities in which Illuminati Ganga bases its activities.
In the past this has led us to write totally serious and morally proper articles regarding Great First Lines
As well as Great Lines from Movies we will always remember
Our wonderful article on Great Lines of Cocaine we have done on a friend’s Formica table is unfortunately shelved until such a time as this publication is not run by a bunch of overly sensitive pantywaists.
In light of this history I have decided to write another article in the same vein, and asked other agents if they have any recommendations. Perhaps you are wondering what the title of this article is and if so — that is very sad.
As usual, in order not to make idiots think there is any order to this list and then get pissed off because their favorite nonsensical ending wasn’t placed higher or lower we will use the ancient Illuminati Ganga Premisian alphabet as the character set is 4 dimensional and any sentence can be read the same backwards and forwards in time.
That said — Begin the Rankings:
[⬘⬙⬘] The World’s End
IG Agent 77 —
A great visual that didn’t make any sense. Discounting the personal growth and whatever bit the fact is the blanks can’t fight worth shit, and now, after The Network has left Earth they won’t have any ready replacement bodies once the hard guys in the bar tear them limb from limb. The only reasonable conclusion here is that Gary King still seems to have a death wish and the poor blanks are following him to oblivion — I guess because they are ‘lost’ and need someone to ‘guide them’?
Ironically enough this is a special form of the nonsensical conclusion of nearly every zombie movie ever made, other than Shaun of The Dead.
In most zombie movies a bunch of average folks are able to kill hundreds of stupid zombies because zombies are too stupid to defend themselves against average folks that have no special training or skills. So, given the ability of an average person to just mow through dozens of zombies in an inning… how did the zombies end up killing most of humanity?
It just doesn’t make sense!
In Shaun of the Dead average people who aren’t. especially tough kill a lot of zombies but end up nearly dead but just when things seem bleakest the professionally trained people with heavy duty weapons show up and take care of the rest of the zombies.
That makes sense.
Sure a quick outbreak of zombies caught up a lot of people quickly because they weren’t expecting to get turned into zombies but once everyone realized what was going on it was quick work mopping up the plague of undead and getting back to normal.
That said it was nice that Steven and Sam ended up together at the end of The World’s End, as really that was the only ending anyone watching that movie should actually care about.
[ɸ ʘ ʘɸ ϡ ϡ] FIGHT CLUB
IG Agent 6 —
I resent this movie quite a bit because I was once at a party and there was someone there I wanted to have sex with, but then they said they thought this was the greatest movie ever made and so I didn’t.
I guess I should really resent my stupid pride, but I’m too full of myself to do that.
The ending doesn’t make sense basically because nothing else made sense getting there. I’m fine with someone having a psychotic break and not realizing that they are hallucinating their best friend but obviously from the point the guy in the business suit watching Edward Norton rolling around the ground punching himself said “I’d like to try” or “I’m next” or “I’m a whack job too”… well, I can’t remember, but it was something stupid.
Anyway from that point the movie was destined to end with any thinking person opining “what a piece of crap” and missing out on nice sex from people who liked this garbage.
[➕ ڡ❦ ڡ➕] Babes In Toyland
IG Agent 18 —
I watched this movie when I was living in Utah. It’s a perfect Utah movie, and a great bad movie. Great bad movies are movies that prompt analysis to bring out their poorly hidden, subliminal fucked-upness.
Often analysis of these kinds of movies can be aided by mind-altering substances of some form. In this case the mind-altering substance was starvation.
There was no food in the house and I had no money, I think I was surviving on white bread and an old jar of congealed fat. It was of course Christmas time.
So in order to pass the time until I perhaps died or something came to give me the opportunity to live I watched movies. That was where I first saw Wages Of Fear
And Key Largo
So I was used to tense psychological drama at the time.
The weird thing about this movie is that while watching it I played at the same time in my head another movie with somewhat the same plot.
Key Differences In The Movie in My Head
In My head film was played by young Antonio Banderas
Barnaby of course wants to marry Mary, but not just because he wants her money. His motivations are complicated. He is rich but has always been discriminated against by the population of Mother Goose village who distrust him for being Hispanic.
He wants Mary’s money but more importantly he wants Mary because to him she represents acceptance, which he cannot adequately express because of his bitterness at exclusion, thus, an ironist, he clothes his true desires as monetary.
The ironist, a misanthrope, is also a hidden romantic. Thus he idolizes Mary. She is good and not Racist like her peers, where the truth is she is Racist but not quite as virulent as the rest of her peers.
He sings a version of Castle In Spain very close to that of David Johansen, but not quite as campy. More dark and brooding, think horny repressed Nick Cave.
Mary is of course also attracted to Barnaby because — hey, young Antonio Banderas?
But of course she puts that attraction away from her because she is very much attached to her life and social standing in Mother Good Village. Mary is going to marry Tom Thumb, that’s the way it is, that’s the way it has to be to make any gosh darn sense.
Given these prerequisites the movie proceeds as the original one, only every action and scene colored by these motivations.
Barnaby still has two dimwitted henchmen
although they are more stupid bros in my version, frat boys.
Dumb misogynistic guys who don’t like working too hard and so they do what Barnaby tells them for a better wage than they would otherwise earn in any of the bakeries, small farms, candy-shops or shoe makers of Mother Goose Village. But also because they are frat boys and like to drink beer, and Barnaby controls the brewery in Mother Goose Village.
There is an underlying tension between Barnaby and them, Barnaby is smarter and he pays them, but they feel that they are better than Barnaby because he is ‘darker’ than they are, but he does have money so they do what he says. Barnaby is aware of their low-key resentment and resents them in turn but he also needs people who can go do what he says, so they are the ones he is stuck with.
It’s a pretty sad situation to have evil henchmen under you who feel that they are racially superior to you. This becomes problematic later on in the movie.
As per the original movie Tom and Mary go search for her lost sheep in the Forest of No Return, Barnaby and his henchmen follow them, driven onward by Barnaby’s obsession with making Mary love him. Tom and Mary and the kids that are with them end up being captured by the trees of the forest and taken to the Toymaker in Toyland, in the original movie Ed Wynn, but in the movie that was playing in my mind, superimposed by the power of deprivation on the real one, the part was played by Santa Claus.
So Tom and Mary and everyone ends up in the Toymaker’s workshop as per the original film, and the Toymaker is showing them his technical innovations while Barnaby and the two henchmen are looking on.
The toys in Santa’s factory are not made by elves, they are made by undernourished children of color. Essentially — slaves (the slavery is downplayed, but Santa is harsh and these kids are chained to the assembly line.
Tom, Mary, the nice blond children that accompanied them to Toyland, and the henchmen of Barnaby let this fact breeze by them, enjoying all wonderful sights of Toyland that they see, but we can see in Barnaby’s face the anger and hatred of this system, the memory it brings up in him of his own life and the hurts he has suffered.
Santa now demonstrates the shrink ray (in the original movie it is demonstrated by Grumio, the toymaker’s apprentice but here in the interest of streamlining the plot it was by Santa himself)
Santa uses the shrink ray to shrink a little girl making toys for him, and then when she is little killing her in some way that leaves her a beautiful little doll, this part was unclear to me, it was like being in a dream actually. It was like they stole the soul out of the person, leaving only a doll behind. Everybody is very impressed! This is a great innovation. They will be able to make so many wonderful toys for Christmas, toys that are better than any toys ever made before, beautiful magical toys for all the good little white boys and girls all over the world!
Tom is exuberant, he is really gung ho about this. Santa is proud of what he has accomplished. Mary seems a little put out and sad that the girl had to die but it is for a good cause and so she is also very happy.
Barnaby watching all this breaks — I mean we just see it breaking him by his facial expressions. Acting!
The henchmen are also all for it. And they are too stupid to realize that this scene of Santa having innovated to improve Christmas has totally sent their boss around the bend.
Later that night Barnaby breaks into Santa’s workshop to steal the shrink ray.
He is grim and determined, dangerous. Some men just want to watch the world shrink.
He captures Tom and shrinks him, his henchmen try to stand up to him. Even they have their limits and they realize Barnaby intends to ruin Christmas for everyone by not allowing Santa to steal the souls of the non-white children to power his magical toys.
Barnaby shrinks them too, and locks both them and Tom in a bird cage. Enraged he threatens Mary and she promises to marry him. But the white children and Santa have snuck around while Barnaby wasn’t looking, and release Tom.
Tom goes and gets a bunch of toy soldiers to help him. This part is essentially the same as the original movie.
Barnaby is easily destroying the opposition because he has the shrinking ray.
But he still has a weakness, his naive belief in the trustworthiness of Mary — even after all this time. She betrays him and destroys the shrink ray, as it explodes it causes Barnaby to shrink.
At this moment Santa shows up with his latest invention, a maximizing ray, causing Tom and the henchmen to grow big again.
Tiny Barnaby tries to run away but to no avail, a scowling Tom squashes him with his boot, scraping up his heels afterwards (we don’t see what gets scraped off but he does quite a theatrical scraping, it was obviously quite liquid whatever was on the bottom of the boot.
Everybody is happy and celebrates, we pan into their smiling exultant faces and the scene changes to the same smiling faces but later — At Tom and Mary’s wedding in Mother Goose Village, and the village celebrates the union of our two photogenic heroes, the frat boy henchmen are in the background chugging brewskis, and many happy playing children with magical little dolls of the type made earlier by killing one of Santa’s child slaves.
So obviously you’re wondering what doesn’t make sense about the movie I saw in my head — and the answer is nothing! It is a very straightforward and logical plot where everybody has very believable motivations.
What doesn’t make sense is why in the world they made that awful dreck they made when they could have made my socially meaningful and totally badass movie that would have been beloved by movie nerds for generations to come.
Disney is weird man.
The Preceding article was written and curated by I.G Agent 77.
The Hitmagist has gladly made a playlist available based on the various inspiring themes of this article.
