Great First Lines

Obviously there are many great first lines in the world, there’s your first line of coke — which may or may not have been off a hooker’s ass if you are Donald Trump — and there is your first line to get a tattoo that ends up saying Moom. There are first lines like “If I told you you had a heavenly body would you hold it against me” and even great second lines like “Please stop hitting me, I thought it was funny but I see now I was wrong.” But this article is really focused on Great First Lines of Literature.

The idea for the article came from a random post on Illuminati Ganga’s twitter feed

So right there that is the beginning of our list, this is the internet so we will count down from 10 as is the way of our tribe.

10. Times was pretty good, but they also kinda sucked. From Charles Dickens Masterpiece — Two Cities, One Boy.

9. Gregor Samsa woke up and thought ‘Ewwwww’ about a guy who checked into a roach motel, but never checked out.

8. Call me baby, Ishmael — Carly Rae Jepsen’s homoerotic 800+ page long disco anthem about muscular guys squeezing sperm out of anything they can get their hands on.

7. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, should probably go get laid before making any big decisions in life. A damning look at how the patriarchy turned Mr. Bingley into a simpering idiot, Mr. Darcy into a repressed onanite with a thing for statuary, and forced that poor Mr. Wickham to marry an imbecilic party-girl when all he wanted was to love up some money.

6. Happy families are all alike, boring shitheads that should be shot! From Tolstoy’s brilliant adaptation of the story of The Fonz and one fateful summer of shark jumping — Happy Days!

5. Many years later as he faced the firing squad, Illuminati Ganga Agent 99 wondered how it could be that a man should need to shit and piss at the same time. From the time travel journal of IG Agent 99, the extremely famous 100 years of 1957!

4. The man in black fled across the desert, cuz he was bout to get an ass-whuppin. Never let it be said that Stephen King doesn’t know how to write a great opening!

3. When the pedo woke in the woods in the dark and cold of the night he’d reach out to touch the child sleeping beside him. The Road, a book by Jack Kerouac.

2. If you are interested in stories with happy endings, you would be better off getting a lobotomy you frigging moron. A searing look at how being depressed all the time is a requirement for being a meaningful artist.

1, Amorphous, vast, the ancestral House of Fug squats above the city of San Francisco like it is taking one horrendous dump! That’s right we chose the first line from That Fugging Vault, an accredited Illuminati Ganga imprint. Go check it out before we first line ya.

This Illuminati Ganga authorized listicle was written by IG Agent 77, who really doesn’t give a deuce.