Great Products of Illuminati Ganga
Despite personal greatness and depth of character a person will at times slip up, and then, despite years of success at avoiding reading one’s email one accidentally clicks on the wrong icon, the client pops up, and at this a message was read response goes off to the person begging you to write a quick article to cover for your jerky co-workers who evidently have managed to hide their asses real good this week.
The above is just an example of something that might happen, I guess.
So, as always here I am putting together a listicle of some great stuff you already love so much you are sick to death of it.
In this case we are talking about products of Illuminati Ganga.
Now this is products, not services, so none of Agent 99’s sleazy little time travel tricks are going to be showing up here
Nor any of the other great Illuminati Ganga services, so no delivery of blood via drone to vampires living in secluded Antarctica at the prestigious Ben Franklin’s Resort and Recuperation Center for Monsters and Undead.
But we do need some ground rules.
The Rules
Many things are at the same quality level, there’s no reason products sold for profit should be different. So we will rank products together.
Also — as we have done in previous articles and rankings
the rankings will also not be using anything as mundane as the old fashioned numerical ordering scheme that many people in our present day world are fans of, but rather the ancient Illuminati Ganga Premisian alphabet will be used cause it’s super-fancy!
So — having established the rules — we may proceed.
[⬘!_⬙_!⬘] — Arachnobots!
Arachnobots come in various forms — For Example — The Drillthropic Wolfbot is handy to have around the house for repairs in dirty, disgusting places where you are scared to put your hands because of potential death.
But the Spider Lights are a big, big seller. There’s nothing to make a child’s eyes open really wide, and then their mouth, like waking up in the middle of the night with a couple of these situated on the edge of the bed — flashing and skittering about.
Pretty Amazing. A great buy for §29.99 on the Illuminati Ganga store.
Also, I know it’s not the season anymore, but this last Christmas I splurged for a couple dozen JuleSpiders to lighten up the old homestead, whenever anyone was trying to break into the compound a couple of these would drop down on their shoulders and set them running.
[ȘƻǂǂƻƧ] — The Books Of Illuminati Ganga
Yes — Illuminati Ganga is just crazy enough to do it. Crazy enough to release three totally unrelated books that have, perhaps, nothing to do with each other. (affiliate links provided below)
The Mixtape of Taliesin — a retelling of the legends and poems of Taliesin, the Welsh Prince of Poets, with many brilliant poems on an interlocking Tarot theme in between, and at the center a hidden quartet of poems — The Utah Quartet — that has a view of the future, the past, dystopia and the apocalypse woven into it.
The Vaults of Fug — a meta story about the mysterious Fug family, and ancient house that has bankrolled our organization from time immemorial, their youngest heir — who, in order to survive a fatal disease Kurzweiled himself into a large distributed computer system on his ancestral holdings hidden somewhere in San Francisco. A book filled with Science Fiction, Horror, Satire, and Fantasy.
The Guide To NisseLoven — Do you have problems with a gnome in your local area, or any sort of Elvish infestation. This book, a classic legal text detailing the laws of the Kingdom of Denmark regarding Gnomes (Nisse) can be a decided help in figuring out how to handle those problems. Or, and on the other hand, are you perhaps a Gnome unfairly persecuted by humans — find out your rights! Don’t let yourself be taken advantage of!
All proceeds go to the authors of the books, so buy one now — on sale for 99 cents from the Amazon store.
[¥Å] — The ZZZs Mask
OK, fair point, these are not in general distribution. They were “intended” for general distribution and the population was prepped for their release and for the success of the shadow company we had set up to manufacture them, but that was all an elaborate fake in order to the destroy the life of a guy who had stolen Agent 99’s time machine — The Protervus.
That operation was detailed in the following article, although not all contents of the article can be confirmed or denied at this time as still being under investigation by Illuminati Ganga’s SecDiv.
However, while the company was closed down after the effective destruction of the target’s life was achieved, over a 100 of these babies were produced, and there will probably be more produced later for general release — as soon as the individual targeted in the above operation can be completely eliminated, as he is unfortunately still existing in several time streams and evidently has a grudge against Illuminati Ganga — who knows why.
The ZZZ mask is an intelligent sleep mask — it allows you to sleep less while sleeping deeper. That’s the premise — but really it is a paradigm breaking computer that allows full automation and control over the sleep process, including access to dreamtime.
These are much more than just the next step in smart sleep tech, sure they do everything the others do — monitor when you are in deep sleep, light sleep, wake you at optimal times — but they also do stuff like enable quick entry to R.E.M sleep. Essentially the Ironman sleep schedule is achievable in two days training on the ZZZ mask and from there on in without problems.
But also the ZZZ mask allows you record your dreams and store them for later playback
Furthermore it is the opinion of Illuminati Ganga’s legal division that these dreams are copyrightable, meaning that people in the creative fields can work while sleeping — a big step up from the usual sleeping while one works.
Obviously Illuminati Ganga, whose Agents are already very skilled in Dream manipulation, have found this to be a very useful tool.
Aside from Dream recording it can also record Dreamlets, which is a much richer and powerful graphical design tool than anything AI has yet given us.
I can’t really tell you more about this product — but I will say it has proven an invaluable tool in exploring the combined dreamlands of the dreaming animals of this world, and several of the nearby alternate realities, and several agents have found that their ability to move in and out of DreamTime and Bunburyland utilizing the ZZZ mask has been enhanced.
Further Reading of Interest
Retail Price: Estimated would have been slightly over $800 a pair. Various add-ons were possible. An App Store was planned, I have a couple apps on it right now which I might discuss in a later entry.
[ʣ\ʤ\ʤ] — The Harness
As noted with the ZZZ Mask we’ve been able to do extensive explorations of DreamTime — this in conjunction with a bunch of complicated math that 99 would be able to explain better than me allows us to travel between the drives of this world and nearby adjacent alternate worlds, and then to awaken in that alternate — think of it as a shortcut.
Normally to get to an alternate you need to travel back in time to a branching part in the time stream, wait for the branch to happen, and then travel forward to the alternate part of reality you wanted to interact with. It is an incredibly time consuming and error-prone process.
This way is far more accurate and quick, using the ZZZ mask you can get to alternate universes in approximately 15 minutes that used to take a week or more.
Often — alternate universes have alternate tech.
By analyzing one of the most successful, high quality dreams in the Illuminati Ganga dream log we were able to retrieve such a piece of tech
I’m talking of course of the Harness — Aves, from BestBeast, a company formed in Boston in the alternate Universe known as Weliay
There are various versions of Harness tech built for the types of animals that they are suited for. Each Harness has some level of adjustability and expansion packs that allows it to address various species in the category for which the harness is designed.
So the Harness Aves edition can be adjusted to work with a number of different avian species, the most common targets are Hawks, Eagles, Pigeons, Ravens, Parrots, and Crows.
The Harness Carne — is suited for small to medium sized land predators, cats, dogs, wolves, tigers, lions, hyenas, etc. etc.
There are a few other harnesses. BestBeast is one of the top 5 companies in its world, with a $2.8 T market cap, and they deserve it — every Harness I have worked with is a marvelous bit of engineering.
Surprisingly the Harness also has had a number of beneficial social aspects to it that you might not expect. Really when I first heard about the Harness I thought, damn, another dystopian hellscape world — but it turns out to be almost utopian.
Since the wide spread usage of the Harness animal abuse or unwanted pets is almost non-existent, even using the cheapest version of the Harness Carne makes a family pet extremely useful around the house, and because of the built in behavioral rewards and stimulus notifications the Harness makes available problems in the animal-human relation can be resolved before they present themselves.
Retail Price: Varies between different target species and amateur and Pro models.
[¬¬Ø ¡¬¬] — I.G Time Travel Swag
Are you stuck in a time loop, ended up getting high in the late 60s again and not able to get back to the year you departed from — Illuminati Ganga has the right apparel for all such occasions.
[𓂸𓂸𓂸𓂸𓂸] — Big Bucket O’ Cocks
This product was described in an article by Agent 9 as he was going through his psychotic break, running about America and crying about evil
Low quality cocks, diseased, unhygienic and small packed tightly into a large and cheap paper bucket with grease stains along the bottom. These taste great with some Szechuan sauce.
I would definitely recommend this product to any of the editors of this fine publication. They need it!
This article was written by IG Agent 77 with very little of the usual pathetic whining.
OTHER RESOURCES
As you will no doubt have noticed we referenced a tweet from somebody who is not a member of Illuminati Ganga — check them out.
Amanda — @AmandaJK_
site: ko-fi.com/amandajk Amanda JK is an Australian author and photographer; she began her writing journey amongst the writing community on twitter 5 years ago.
