Paris: Fakespeare
Fakespeare’s famous Paris Hilton play, entitled simply PARIS! was a big hit in some European country, written in 2008.
Please note that the play contains language and scenes that would not be considered socially acceptable in our modern day times.
Plot summary — While his daughter Paris spends her time supporting a ginormous coke habit, Richard Hilton argues with his former confidant Donald Trump. Angry, Trump tweets a suggestion that Hilton (the elder) sucks donkey balls, and Richard and Paris mount a vigorous social media campaign to get even. There is a subplot where Trump discusses running for president, but it never goes anywhere..
An example selection from the play -
Scene II — a fashionable L.A cafe
Enter Paris Hilton and Brandon Davis
Brandon: Whoaaa legs, what time is it?
Paris: GAA, you’re like so doped, drunked, and drugged out all the time, and done up by doing the wild thing, overeating and oversweating I could so totes see you forget the time. Anyway why do you want to know the time? You don’t know anything else. What about the Iran war and 7/11? Did you think about any of that huhn?
Paris flounces herself petulantly down in the nearest white chair, and starts nibbling a biscotti.
Brandon: Shit, what crawled up your ass and died, Lindsey Lohan? You know when you inherit you won’t be a bitch no more!
Paris: No more?
Brandon: Hell Nooooo, damn you will be sooo rich I will be your bitch.
Paris: how’s that, fat elvis?
Brandon: You light my sky with burning love, not like that skanky Lohan, she lights my ass with burning glove…woooo.
Paris: snorfle. huck huck.
Brandon: firecrotch gone wiilllld.
Paris: staaawwwwp it. Anyhows me and Lindsay will stop the feud, and I will be as contrite and good as now I am in a slighting mood.
Brandon: uhgh, that didn’t even rhyme, and you tried to make it rhyme, it was path — et — ic.
Paris: did not
Brandon: did too.
Paris: If I did too then by the science of rubber and glue I did not, and you’ll swim in monkeysnot. See that rhymed, you satisfied?
Brandon: No I can’t get no satisfaction, like the commercial says.
Paris: (snickers) you can’t get satisfaction if you paid for it, because they be like “With what money?
Brandon: Yeah, like we’re both so broke right now we can’t buy whatever we want if our two or three other copies of whatever we want were to burn up mysteriously.
Paris: What did you burn now?
Brandon: Nothing, it was just an example, and also some apartments and cars and a swimming pool.
Paris: We should sell drugs to buy enough guns to rob a cool bank!
This was a really great show, and if you can ever manage to get one of the bootleg copies of the cast, especially singing the show’s breakout hit “Like, Drugs, Wow!” you should avail yourself of the opportunity.
Bill Fakespeare is Agent 42, parts of this not written by Agent 42 were written by Agent 89
