Scientific Research of Illuminati Ganga
Understanding Illuminati Ganga, its vastness, the way it has wormed itself into every human and non-human endeavor over a number of alternate realities, its subdivisions in Crime, in Philosophy, in Modern Product design and many other facets of life is an ongoing process.
So today I will be focusing on how Illuminati Ganga has affected Science, by looking at some of the scientific advancements and studies that Illuminati Ganga has been involved in.
Studies of the Common Housefly
The evolutionary advantage of the common housefly depends on its instinctively flying behind people’s backs.
To hunt the housefly requires two flyswatter equipped obsessives with excellent vision and reflexes, circling each other for hours on end with their backs partially turned.
This coequal evolution has been a long running project of Illuminati Ganga, started by Ben Franklin — IG Agent 217. Our stats show that flies, due to quicker evolutionary turnover, becomes less killable quicker than humans improve at killing them. Thanks a lot, Ben Franklin.
The Wolf: An Analysis of Optimal, Criminal Problem-Solving
Of course many scientific studies that our organization has been involved in have been done in order to make specific divisions of the organization perform with greater efficiency.
in this case it was theorized by managing criminals in Illuminati Ganga’s Criminal Management Division (CMD, affectionately known as Command) that the famous Winston Wolf was perhaps not as effective a fixer of problems as he pretended, leading to this monumental study
in order to empirically test the man’s true capacity we traveled to hundreds of alternate realities, examining the playing out of his most famous criminal optimization operation, and now that the data has come back and been analyzed we can emphatically say — That guy was the luckiest son of a gun that ever sported a quality tuxedo.
If you’re thinking of embarking on a career as a criminal fixer, or are just a criminal yourself, you owe it to yourself to read this study as it has several helpful notes that you should keep in mind.
Notes from a Study on The Migratory Patterns of Vampires
This was actually a study I’ve been familiar with for years, and some of its findings helped me in a previous article a couple years ago
From The Study:
The Modern Vampire, living in a world where the restrictions on travel have been much relaxed and where the cross-cultural hegemony of English has made their particular form of a parasitic adaptation easier, has two forms of mirgration the choice of which is mainly dependent on wealth.
The poorer Vampire in winter tends to move as far North as possible, to regions such as Alaska, the Northwest Territories, Scandinavia, Scotland, Greenland and the like as these regions provide the most hours of darkness.
This migratory pattern began sometime in the mid-19th century, when it was largely confined to the upper-class Vampire; Dracula, the novel, could be read as a sociological documentation of the shift from a sedentary to migratory form of existence with Dracula the Vampire, suffering extinction as representative of the older sedentary class when undertaking the now migratory pattern.
Of course, as the Vampire journeys North in Winter to pursue darkness it flies south in Summer for the same purpose and the months of May, June, and July find such areas as Australia, Argentina, and South Africa overrun with the undead.
The second form of migratory pattern is followed by the sophisticated and rich ampiric upper classes, who preferring the Metropolitan centers of the temperate zones use an intricate web of supersonic travel to keep themselves almost continually in the darkness and thus almost totally protected. Such a Vampire dispenses with having a single reliable human agent and keeps instead dozens around the world in the different time zones they favor.
By using international air transport these truly cosmopolitan Lords of the Undead can be in Denmark at the height of winter when the sun goes down approximately at four in the afternoon, leave again the next morning at five in the morning a good three hours before it arises traveling quicker than the sunrise.
Coffins with the earth of their native land being carried with them in their private jets ensure that if something where to go wrong they can sleep through any inconvenience, waking again at a more propitious time.
But mistakes are few as the flight routes are calculated by computers hooked to satellite tracking systems so as to afford the longest possible hours of uninterrupted nightlife.
From My previous article:
Tip 3: When moving to other parts of the world, consider how many daylight hours are in that part during the part of the year that you will be there. The richest vampires spend winter near the north pole and summer further south so as to maximize the hours they can spend preying on mortals, but also it is nice if for example you are in Denmark during Christmas when the sun sets around kl. 16 (4 p.m) and you can maybe go to a nice museum and see the lights at the amusement park before drinking somebody up.
Aside from this I would like to point to another article Agent 86 helpfully wrote summarizing present day problems leading to a decrease in the Vampire population
I believe it’s important we preserve this fast dwindling population of supernatural monsters.
And with that heartfelt message I bring the article to an end with a flourish. Now go out there and practice some Science!
This article was written by IG Agent 77 who is able to write while drunk beneath a table in a miniature swamp composed of his own vomit!
And remember —
