The Wolf: An Analysis of Optimal, Criminal Problem-Solving
We’re all familiar with the legendary Mr. Wolf, a crime fixer extraordinaire, and of course the criminal enterprises under the control of the Illuminati Ganga organization — the innovative pharmaceuticals division, the assassination chain, and the cryptocurrency hypeisterians have often used Mr. Wolf’s promotional material in order to better promote the kind of can-do attitude among that criminals of the organization that we consider a necessary condition of success in a modern and international criminal organization.
But in recent years there has been some level of unease with the traditional narrative of Mr. Wolf’s skills, in order to empirically test the man’s true capacity we traveled to hundreds of alternate realities, examining the playing out of his most famous criminal optimization operation, and now that the data has come back and been analyzed we can emphatically say — That guy was the luckiest son of a gun that ever sported a quality tuxedo.
The first thing that should be noted is that the famous cleanup event fails 61% of the time.
Across the Universes surveyed we can determine the following points of failure
Poor Phone Hygiene
Mr. Wolf takes the phone call from Marcellus Wallace
Both of these guys have lots of reasons why they might be bugged, but they are having an open and frank conversation about disposing of dead bodies without heads on them, using the analog cordless phones so common in the 90s, meaning that it is easy for individual phone phreakers and jerks to listen in.
Out of the 500 Universes surveyed in 3 cases their phone calls were listened to by concerned citizens who contacted the police, so only a negligible 0.6% rate but it does show how there is no reason to be stupid about how you communicate when detailing criminal enterprises you are engaged in.
Several correspondents engaged in Criminal enterprises under the purview of Illuminati Ganga’s umbrella organizations had amusing anecdotes of people listening in on calls, interrupting calls and radio communications during the commissions of crimes, underlining that it is always smart not to just say hey there’s a dead body without a head- especially when you could say something innocuous like a messy garbage bag lost the top and now everything is a big mess in the car, we need your help Mr. Wolf.
Aside from all this however, in 72 instances one or both of the participants in the conversation where being actively investigated at the time, and units were scrambled when it became apparent they could be tied to a murder and transport of some incredibly valuable material. That is a whopping 14.39%!
Illuminati Ganga’s Recommendations
Have a decent code in place for common situations, if the situation is uncommon (which a dead body is unlikely to be but let’s imagine) do not repeat the incriminating information multiple times as Mr. Wolf does ( for example when he asks again for the names of the people, and then repeats it back, this seems to be wasting unnecessary time in a situation requiring haste but also make sure that the Feds can potentially figure out hey it’s that Vinnie guy who was the enforcer in the Amsterdam arm of the drug business! We bust him now maybe we can get him to flip!! Everybody let’s roll! Talk about criminal incompetence)
Speeding to the scene of an accident is stupid
At the end of the long time-wasting conversation in which Mr. Wolf makes sure he gets the details of what crime has been committed, where at, who did what and what everybody’s names are, he announces that it will take him 30 minutes to get to the scene where his services are required but he will be there in 10.
It actually took him 9 minutes and 37 seconds.
How incredibly stupid is this!? Well, we could guess but luckily we don’t need to, we know exactly how stupid it is!
In 86 of the 500 instances surveyed the speeding led to either an accident or being pulled over, in which case Mr. Wolf did not arrive in time and Bonnie came home and all hell broke loose. That’s 17.2% of the instances, meaning that it was nearly 3% stupider than openly discussing murder and serious criminal shit on an unsecured line!!
Illuminati Ganga’s Recommendations
Frankly there was very little communication that went on at the cleanup scene that could not have taken place over a phone. All of the problems caused by him speeding to the house could have been solved by him having a car phone (an early mobile phone solution before mobile phones became widespread) and making a call similar to the following:
Mr Wolf: “Hi, this is Mr. Wolf — do you have the possibility to put me on speaker phone. If not pass me over to Jules please.
Jules: “Hello Mr. Wolf, let me just say this is an honor”
Mr. Wolf: “Thank you Jules, but let’s solve the problems before we start jerking each other off here. Now Jules, as I understand it there has been an accident and things are extremely messy in the car right now, so bad that you can’t really drive it. No need for clarification, just a yes or no. Am I correct?”
Jules: “Yes sir”
Mr. Wolf: “OK well I am about 28 minutes out now, the lady of the house will be home at 9:30 A.M, and we need to have everything cleaned up and outta there before then. Correct?”
Jules: “Yes sir”
Mr. Wolf: “Can you put Jimmy on please.”
Jimmy: “uhm, hi, I mean hello this is Jimmy”
Mr. Wolf: “Hi Jimmy, and let me just say thank you for helping out in this trying situation you are a stand up guy.”
Jimmy; “thank you, sir”
Mr. Wolf: “Alright Jimmy, now we need to clean up that mess which means we need cleaning supplies and blankets, comforters, quilts, bedspreads, anything that can soak up messy tomato soup and stinky sewage.
The thicker the better, the darker the better — no whites, can’t use them.
Give it to these two guys that made the mess so they can go clean up. Obviously try only to use stuff you don’t want back, but whatever you do don’t worry about losing that stuff, because I’m going to see you are more than well rewarded for your help here. Just putting it out there so you don’t worry.”
Jimmy: “Thank you sir”
Mr. Wolf: “Thank you Jimmy, put Jules back on while you go get that stuff will you”
Jules: “Jules here”
Mr. Wolf: “Alright Jimmy is getting cleaning supplies, now you two need to go to the car, put the main problem into the trunk. Yes or no you know what I mean by the main problem right”
Jules: “Yes I know”
Mr. Wolf: “Good man. Now I need you and the other guy”
Jules: “Vincent”
Mr. Wolf: “Always limit name usage but yes, you two need to clean the inside of the car with the cleaning supplies Jimmy is getting. Fast, fast, fast You need to go scoop up all those bigger pieces of mess that have been broken off when the accident happened, the disgusting stuff, and get rid of it.
Wipe down the upholstery, now when it comes to upholstery it don’t need to be spic and span. You don’t need to eat off it, just give it a good once-over.
What you need to take care of are the really messy parts. The pools of the liquid that have collected you need to soak that shit up. Do you understand what I mean by liquid?”
Jules: “I think so”
Mr. Wolf: “I mean when the accident happened a lot of liquid came out right, and went all over the place. All that tomato sauce is likely to catch somebody’s attention. You with me now?”
Jules: “Yes sir. By the way, Jimmy’s back”
Mr Wolf: “Good, so you two go back there and start cleaning and remember soak up the tomato sauce- I think you two should get started now, by the time you’re done I should be there. When you’ve got it reasonably clean take those quilts and comforters and camouflage the interior of the car. Line the front and back seat and the floorboards, so at a glance people won’t notice any sort of disgusting accident happened. OK. See you in a bit. Do the work well and we just might make it through this. ”
Mr Wolf then arrives 20 minutes later having been at the edge of the speed limit a couple times, but in a totally defensible way. This by the way is the same time in the original universe when Jules and Vincent were having their ten thousand tons of TNT conversation while cleaning the car.
Naked Bloody Black Men Unappreciated in Suburbia
After cleaning up the car to a degree that it will pass a cursory quick inspection, which means if any cops get close to it and has reasons to be nosy there will be real problems, Mr. Wolf gets Vincent and Jules — still bloody and dressed like enforcers — out into the back yard which is easily observable from multiple households in the area. At which point he has them strip off their clothes and sprays the blood off of them with the garden hose while him and Jimmy stand there laughing.
Now Jimmy is already married to a black lady, 479 of the 500 universes surveyed have significant issues with racism and as a consequence we confirmed that Jimmy and his wife are under closer observation from neighbors than would otherwise be expected.
Of course not every one of these universes had neighbors observe the goings-on and call up the police but 173 did. That is an amazing 34.59% of the universes. Out of those calls to the police 145 (28.9%) showed up before the gangsters left the house and led to a big time arrest / and or shoot out. The slightly over 5 percent of the police showing up later of course do while Bonnie is arriving home, which has repercussions for the marriage of Jimmy and in a couple of universes slightly negative consequences for the overall criminal enterprises of Marcellus Wallace, but otherwise the instances where the police show up too late were not significant.
Illuminati Ganga’s Recommendations
What the hell was going through Mr. Wolf’s head here is a total mystery!
Who could think it was a good idea to get two big guys covered in blood naked in a suburban backyard, one of them a dark skinned black man with a jerry curl. What the hell!?
So of course in many of the police confrontations that followed there was discussion about neighbors being concerned about homosexual satanists and race war.
Almost all of the cops showed up just as they were getting ready to leave so they got a good look at the car that shouldn’t have a good look at it.
Our recommendation is quite simple — either
- Have some sort of tent that they can disrobe inside of in the backyard and spray them down in that tent.
- Or find a way to clean them off at least partially in the garage. At the worst spray them down enough in the garage that they can put on some dorky shorts, go out to the backyard and get thoroughly sprayed off there.
It’s not as big and flashy a recommendation as the other ones, but really it would have saved a significant amount of gunfights with Johnny Law.
Damage Minimization — Never Heard Of It
Aside from preventing damage to the organization by limiting undesirable interactions with the law, the goal of any good Consulting Criminal should be to minimize damage when it does inevitably occur.
At this, as in just about everything else, Mr. Wolf fails abysmally.
Let’s just go over the situation again.
Earlier that day Jules and Vincent when to an apartment inhabited by young white men of college age, at least one of whom seems to have a middle class background if not better. There were three white guys and one black guy named Marvin. They retrieved a package of some value to their employer — we are not exactly certain as to the value but assuming Marcellus Wallace’s enterprise at least follows the normal rules of criminal asset management which is that one should never invest more than a 10th of value in an asset, it follows that whatever the asset is it is more valuable than 2 trusted assassins, a higher paid managerial type, and the potential fallout associated with the various crimes committed in securing the asset.
After retrieving the package they cold-bloodedly executed the three white guys. They then left the household after what we can assume was a quick wipe down (Vincent touched some kitchen areas, and Jules touched, ate and drank some Big Kahuna Burger products belonging to one of the aforementioned middle-class college age white boy). During the get away Vincent accidentally shot Marvin in the head causing the situation that Mr. Wolf had to be called in to resolve.
As noted previously, putting together all the failing scenarios that Mr. Wolf has taken part in, the situation goes bad 61% of the time.
In some of those scenarios all three criminals Mr. Wolf, Jules, and Vincent end up dead (generally when the police get called about the black man Satanic sex club in Suburbia scare) but in more than 75% of the scenarios that go bad one or both of the assassins are captured alive by the police and tied to the earlier execution of the white kids at the apartment.
California is still a death penalty state, and in fact at the time when all this went down had just started back up executing people and were real gung ho about it. In 10 out of the 305 failing instances Jules is given the death penalty, in 1 Vincent is. In 22 of these universes where our assassins escape the death penalty they do so by rolling over on Marcellus Wallace, Mr. Wolf, or other criminal associates in Mr. Wallace’s employ. That’s a pretty good number of universes in which our boys are not rats, but still it shows some of the inherent weaknesses in Mr. Wolf’s lack of a damage minimization strategy (although in this case we can also say a large part of the fault must lay with Mr. Wallace -damage minimization in a case like this should start at the top)
In all the cases in which the scenario went badly the product was entered into Police evidence and the Marcellus Wallace organization lost an extremely valuable asset they had invested a lot of resources into acquiring.
Illuminati Ganga’s Recommendations
Mr. Wolf should have suggested some strategies to Mr. Wallace in their initial phone call
Or Mr. Wallace should have thought of it himself, and told Mr. Wolf at the beginning of the phone call that these other issues had been taken care of.
Specifically while Mr. Wolf was en route to handle the situation it would have been extremely beneficial if at least one other operative had been en route to retrieve the valuable asset this whole scenario was about securing.
It would have shown exceptional management skills if the guns of Vincent and Jules had.been retrieved, taken away and disposed of while Mr. Wolf was in the process of cleaning up the situation. Thus preventing tying them to the earlier felony murders that day if anything else were to go wrong.
By our best estimations if they had just been involved in the accidental death of Marvin Vincent and Jules would have been out in 5–10 years,. if indeed things went that badly in court that they got sent away.
Even when it’s over — it’s not over
As we know major incidents like this often have ripple effects after the main part of the incident is over, this is also the case here, and some of the major ripples coming off of this incident that are damaging to the Marcellus Wallace criminal organization are all the fault of Mr. Wolf’s incompetence.
The main problems caused by Mr. Wolf after they leave Jimmy’s house and drop off the body for disposal are as follows:
- Mr. Wolf leads the ‘boys’ to his body disposal site, a business operating under the name Monster Joe’s Truck and Tow.
- After disposing of the body, Mr. Wolf brings out the daughter of Monster Joe and introduces her to the boys.
These two simple things end up creating numerous complications for the Marcellus Wallace criminal organization in 110 of the universes in which the boys ever made it this far.
Analysis of the negative consequences was very difficult in this situation but what we know that in 32% of the 110 universes Vincent ends up dying soon after, in 5 of the universes in which he survives he ends up creating major incidents for the Marcellus Wallace organization when he runs into trouble on other assignments and brings bodies to dump at Monster Joes.
In 78% of the 110 universes Jules left the Marcellus Wallace organization, in 12% he died later that same day in a gun fight in a Diner and did not have an opportunity to actually leave the organization.
However in the 3% of the universes in which he left the organization he ended up getting pulled back in due to Monster Joes and a federal investigation, in which Jules had to give up evidence in order to protect a lady and her son living on a ranch in New Mexico that he was helping out.
In 6% of the 110 universes problems originated on Monster Joe’s side of things, when the new owner got pushed to turn state’s evidence to get out of some tax difficulties she gave up Jules and Vincent and a few other individuals that over the years Mr. Wolfe had introduced her to.
Illuminati Ganga’s Recommendations
The recommendations here are obvious, there is absolutely no reason for Mr. Wolfe to introduce the hitmen to his niece who will someday inherit Monster Joe’s body disposal business, it is just another in the sad list of examples where Mr. Wolfe’s capabilities do not live up to his reputation.
We will however note that if our recommendations on minimizing damages had been followed then it is unlikely that Jules would have died in some of those Diner shootouts, or Vincent for that matter who died in several of those Diner shootouts as well. And in the cases where they did not die but inadvertently had to leave behind one of their guns in the getaway that wouldn’t have happened if our recommendations had been followed — which means that in those cases the police would not have been able to tie the suspects at the Diner shootout that day with the earlier triple homicide of college educated white boys in a different part of L.A.
Things that Mr. Wolfe Does Right
Mr. Wolfe does one thing right during this whole scenario, but it is an important thing. We may have complained a lot in this study about Mr. Wolfe’s many woeful inadequacies but he does have one extremely important skill for any medium to large size criminal organization to cultivate — and that is his ability to bring new people into the organization and make them feel respected and valuable.
Notice how Vincent and Jules are treating Jimmy.
Jules is trying to be a bit cool with his friend who is naturally pissed at him for putting a big burden on their friendship — this is admittedly a difficult thing for Jules to handle, by relying on the friendship he is poorly situated to make the situation financially rewarding for Jimmy. Remember — any situation where we ask people to undertake criminal risk should in some way be rewarding for them!
But Vincent is nearly bullying him. Vincent is a surly asshole to a man who is saving his life!
From the first moment Mr. Wolfe is on the scene he treats Jimmy with respect, and is sensitive enough to what is important to Jimmy to compliment him on the coffee
importantly done without any of that fake-ass we’re all just friends here chilling out, covered in blood, waiting for your wife to come home and file for divorce, maaan that Jules tries to make work earlier. Just a friendly nod of appreciation for a guy who likes good coffee.
And of course when Jimmy is somewhat hesitant about parting with articles possessing sentimental value Mr. Wolfe handles that scenario adroitly
Over the months that follow in all the universes where the initial scenario goes off without any problems Mr. Wolfe makes sure to maintain connection to Jimmy, and bring him into the organization.
Every criminal organization needs people who are not actively criminals that can be relied on. Mr. Wolfe despite his other faults shows himself a master of recognizing this fact and in actively recruiting these clean individuals to serve the illicit needs of the organization.
Bravo, Mr. Wolfe.
This study was done by a team of 11 IG Analysts and Agents, results compiled and written up by IG Agent 86.
