Tips and Deathhacks for Vampires
The worst thing about becoming a Vampire is not the killing people and drinking their blood, I’ve never actually liked other people all that much so looking on them purely as a source of nourishment was sort of a relief, finally an end to all that socializing!
No, the worst thing is the serious decrease in available free time. Most people have a 16 hour day in which to get things done, but a Vampire has probably less than 12 hours (dependent on location and time of year) as an example right now where I am Sunset is at 7:09 PM and Sunrise is 6:55. That is 11 hours and 46 minutes of the day spent in the coffin! And you don’t just get in the coffin at 7:09 without preparation! Obviously you change into your sleeping tuxedo, especially as your waking tuxedo is probably soaked in blood and needs to be cleaned out by your mortal servants. That is why I am making this selection of tips and deathhacks for Vampires, for newly undead who are just trying to deal with the things they need to know!
Tip 1: Always capitalize the word Vampire! We are the overlords of the night, mortals are our food! We must be proud.
Tip 2: Become a digital nomad. Many famous Vampires of the past have traveled between locations in order to not deplete the local population of mindless cattle.
Tip 3: When moving to other parts of the world, consider how many daylight hours are in that part during the part of the year that you will be there. The richest vampires spend winter near the north pole and summer further south so as to maximize the hours they can spend preying on mortals, but also it is nice if for example you are in Denmark during Christmas when the sun sets around kl. 16 (4 p.m) and you can maybe go to a nice museum and see the lights at the amusement park before drinking somebody up.
Tip 4: Remember not to refer to ‘humans’ but rather ‘mindless cattle’,’food’, or ‘mortals’, it is important to de-humanize our prey, otherwise you will end up depressed and feeling bad for what you do just to survive!
Tip 5: Don’t eat your mortal servants! Obviously the situation can arise where you will need to do so, but if at all avoidable DO NOT. Even if it means eating the lowest, unhealthiest creatures you can find — Evangelicals — do not eat your mortal servant!
Tip 6: If you still end up eating your mortal servant, DO NOT UNDER ANY CONDITION turn them into a Vampire. Even if you promise them while eating them that you will, break that promise! Anyway what is the worth of a promise made to food? That’s silly. The fact is you don’t want someone that used to be a servant coming around and acting like now they are your equal.
Tip 7: When you bed down for the day, wear a Kevlar vest under your dress shirt! There’s very few Vampire hunters who have the balls to open your shirt before staking, and wood isn’t going to penetrate Kevlar no matter how much you sharpen and how hard you thrust. Obviously this does not apply to the hunters from the Aquinalia family who — let me warn you — are buying up supplies of superwood at an alarming rate.
This article was written by IG Agent 77.
IG Agent 77 has also written a very useful previous tips page — Tips for Writers
