X Suspension News!
Normally we call it Twitter, but twitter suspension sounds trite and boring whereas X Suspension sounds super badass and also maybe like a sort of truss an aging action star might wear.
Anyway Illuminati Ganga’s twitter account has been suspended — how? Well therein lies a tale, and an article about how stupid Twitter is or, if you like, how stupid X is. But I think it’s better to make it an article about how stupid Twitter is, because everybody and their dog has an article about how stupid X is.
How Stupid Twitter Is
So it was another boring night winding down for Agent 31 on the Twitter account team, when he saw a tweet from WiseConnector
Here’s the tweet in question — on edit, ooh look after some days the crack team at Twitter manages to get rid of stuff they think is bad. Thanks cracksters!
Agent 31 responded to the tweet, and immediately at that response received notice that the Illuminati Ganga access to Twitter had been suspended.
This was the tweet in question — it’s vulgar and not especially clever but after all → Twitter.
He followed procedure and registered a T7 process internally and a meeting was scheduled to go over the suspension later in the day with three agents to provide analysis (I said it was a boring night, vernacular usage as actually the tweet in question happened early morning hours Pacific Time)
He also sent a message to other members of the team asking “what do you think should I remove it or appeal it?” and received the response “Just remove it,” so he did.
Which was probably a mistake, because then this happened.
Agents selected for the meeting where 6, 77, and 80. Agent 80 was asked to attend because of her experience with memetic engineering, and her knowledge of data gathering, meme injection points strategy as developed by Agent 81.
As the start of the meeting basically had Agent 31 clarify the issues and chain of events already explained in this article we will start after that preliminary has passed.
Agent 80: I understand what happened, what I don’t understand why you would have posted that — obviously it was going to be blocked.
Agent 6: No it’s weird, I’ve tweeted way worse stuff when I was sitting in on the team. Normally what happens is they pop up a little message saying “most people don’t post messages like this you uncouth barbarian” and then give you the opportunity to change it or to say no you are incorrect this is actually correct. But this happened instantaneously, right?
Agent 31: Yes, it didn’t do the your tweet was sent, view your tweet, and then suddenly do a rerender of the site and put you in the “you sent something wrong and will be punished” flow
Agent 77: OK, so probably that means it wasn’t an automated complaint set out but whoever you tweeted your reply to, it was Twitter’s automated catching of potential problems which makes the incompetent lying so infuriating!
Agent 80: Incompetent Lying?
Agent 77: The Your Account is Locked messages starts “After careful review” but obviously careful review cannot happen instantaneously, automated review can happen instantaneously. If it had said “after automated review by our top of the line AI processes” I wouldn’t be annoyed, because although it would probably be a lie and there is just a watch words/phrases list and if you get too many hits in one tweet you’re banned for a bit, you can’t point out it’s a lie using simple logic as I’ve done here.
Agent 6: But it would be damn funny — because the idea of X having top of the line AI processes is comedic gold.
Agent 80: OK, assuming that Agent 6 is correct that they’ve written worse things and haven’t had issues why did you think to write that anyway, why did you want to give WiseConnector a blowjob Agent 31?
Agent 31: What!? I didn’t … it was
Agent 77: Let me explain this one. Alright the original tweet said “Blow a job interview in one sentence.” There was only the word a between the word Blow and job, one of the common internet comedic effects is of playing the fool so “Someone told me to give you a blow job” — which of course fulfills the goal of blowing a job interview while also playing like the idiot who wrote it misunderstood the instructions.
The “fuck no” which follows afterwards has a couple layers, all of them being job interview blowers — these layers are “fuck no, I won’t give you a blow job”, which as I understand the #MeToo movement you would have been effectively unemployable in Hollywood during Weinstein’s heyday.
The second layer is I was instructed to “give you a blow job” but not to fuck, which also says Goodbye to Hollywood and potential employment
The third layer is the full sentence is a job interview blower — “Someone told me to give you a blow job, but fuck no”
— There was a slight pause in the dialog as Agent 80 digested the words od Agent 77.
Agent 6 (chuckling): There’s a 4th layer.
Agent 77: What’s that?
Agent 6: If your tweet was offensive enough to get your account suspended you know it’s definitely offensive enough to blow the interview. Mission accomplished! Achievement Unlocked!
Agent 77: OK, well I think we should anyway reconsider Twitter as a platform.
Agent 31: What I’ve been saying for the past year!
Agent 80: Hold on, for the memetics project twitter still has the best reach for measurement.
Agent 77: Sure but if unfairly suspended you’re not measuring anything, and an unfair suspension is a suspension you can’t guard against.
Agent 80: We could guard against it by not sending tweets like that.
Agent 77: I’ve read the memetics measurement track journals, this is well within the kind of phrasing that would be tracked. Furthermore Agent 6 says he’s written worse and I’m inclined to believe him.
Agent 6: I’m just a bastard!
Agent 77 (rolling eyes): finally the suspension was automated and claimed a cause that we did not violate (hostility and abusiveness) which indicates that the automated process can — of course — be faulty. Meaning that it cannot completely be guarded against, the guarding would mean Agents would have to consider potential automated suspension whenever tweeting which is not something that is a reasonable workflow process.
Anyway this is only a recommendation, 81 can make her own decisions.
When was the last backup of data?
Agent 31: About a month ago.
Agent 77: Ok well I think we should backup all the data. Send a request to IT to set up Mastodon instances, setup bluesky memberships and mirror to all three environments until such a time as it seems reasonable to have a move. That’s just a recommendation, but we can start the backup of data now. I’ll do it now.
— Agent 77 logs in to twitter and request archive of tweets. Gets to following screen
Agent 77: Huh, ok I’ve never used this part before its sending some code via SMS to a phone ending with 00?
Agent 31: That’s the phone number setup by support services to take messages, its on an Asterisk server and will forward them to an agent on the team. That’s why you’re supposed to put your phone in on the dashboard when you sign up for taking a watch, although its optional so most people never do (side-eyes Agent 6).
— Agent 31 looks at phone
Weird, I should have received a message by now. I’ll call Agent 91 in support.
— a short call transpired with Agent 31 talking to 91.
He says there haven’t been any messages to that number to forward. Try it again, he’s watching.
— Agent 77 attempts the didn’t receive code to send again.
Agent 77: OK, should be sent.
Agent 31: OK, should be sent
— A minute
Agent 31: No message received — it looks like one of the perks of suspension is you can’t archive your data either.
Agent 77: Alright, as part of the recommendation I think we should increase the rate of backup of data to once per week. Their fault for being incompetent. I think we’re done here?
— agreement to conclude meeting reached
This article was constructed by IG Agent 86 from notes relevant to the suspension of Illuminati Ganga’s Twitter services.
On the morning of the next day the account was checked and service had been restored. But nobody in Illuminati Ganga’s twitter team was overjoyed at the news.
People who took part in this meeting
Agent 6 is most notable for his authorship of The Vaults of Fug (affiliate link below)
Agent 77 has written various articles
Agent 31 has been in trouble before and had an ongoing feud with Agent 99 for some period of time
