How to manage your relationship while self-isolating

From understanding each other’s individual needs to learning to compromise when working from home together, we chatted with a registered psychologist about how to navigate what for many couples is unfamiliar territory.

Trying to navigate life with your partner while in quarantine? Coronavirus has caused all kinds of things to arise in our relationships that simply didn’t exist two months ago.

We chatted with Katie Turner, a registered psychologist based in Calgary, about how to manage your relationship while isolating.

There was one thing she mentioned almost immediately. Regardless of the relationship, it’s important to recognize that we’re all in a stressful time right now.

Be patient

“Everyone is feeling some stress right now,” Turner says. “Whether it’s your partner, your friend, or the clerk at the grocery store. Not everyone is at their best right now.”

With this in mind, Turner says patience is essential.

“Not everyone is going to deal with fears and stress in the same way,” she says. “We have to be mindful of that and be as patient and as compassionate as we can be.”

Navigating stress as a couple can be challenging at the best of times. But with the current situation bringing a lot of unexpected stress for many, it’s an even more unique scenario. Despite this, she says many of the tips and advice she recommends to her clients from Gottman’s couple’s therapy still ring true now.

Compromise

It’s one thing to strive to be patient and compassionate. But many may be wondering how to maintain these values in a confined living space with a partner or roommate right now.

That’s where compromise comes in, Turner explains.

“The current situation can be a pressure cooker for romantic relationships and relationships with roommates and friends,” she says. “How do you get the space you need and feel like your needs are met? The first step is being willing to compromise. Then, establish what those needs are.”

Establish what you need

Both people should, ideally, create a list of what they view as their needs, she says. Look at them together. Then, find the overlaps and points of difference. Understand what is important to each person and find a way to work out a routine around that.

“A lot of this might come down to making and committing to a schedule,” Turner says.

For example, one person might know that morning exercise is important to them. The other person needs to make conference calls in the same space. Allocating certain times of the day to each person can help. It means that before the day begins, you will know that you’ll have the space at some point that day.

Start sentences with “I”

How do you resolve an argument when you’re in the same shared space for the foreseeable future? The first step, according to Turner, is to speak from your experience. But do so without attacking or criticizing.

“Say ‘I’,” Turner recommends. “For example, ‘When I don’t get enough space, I feel ______.’ This way you’re not holding the other person responsible; you’re talking about what you need.”

It’s also important, Turner says, to assume that they have the best intentions. “Instead of telling yourself ‘they’re being so unreasonable’ replace that with ‘Maybe they are having a hard time.’ This will help you get closer toward establishing a solution.”*

Take a break

“If you feel your heart rate is more than 100 beats per minute and you can’t think clearly, take a break,” Turner says. She attributes this feeling to being in ‘fight or flight mode’.

“You’re not in a good space to communicate at that point,” she says. “This is when people say things they don’t mean. Take a break. Agree to come back to the conversation later on.”

Don’t use the break to rehash everything, Turner cautions. Instead, use that time to do something else completely.

“It’s not a real break if you rehashing it,” she says. “Your nervous system needs time for stress levels to decrease.”

Don’t stop communicating

When you do come back to the conversation, try to genuinely listen to what your partner has to say.

“It comes back to listening as much as it does about being understood,” Katie says.

In the unusual circumstance we find ourselves in, communicating with your partner may be more important than ever.

“Find out your partner’s needs, feelings, fears, concerns. And try to assume they’re doing the best.”

Originally published on Lumino Health

*The advice in this article is specific to relationships in which there is no abuse and/or domestic violence. If there are any concerns of abuse, call a crisis line for support.