Why many are experiencing collective and anticipatory grief right now

Many people are feeling emotions similar to grief or loss right now. You may not have lost someone close to you, but there are a number of ways you may be grieving something.

We talked to Calgary based registered psychologist, Connie Leclair about feelings of collective and anticipatory grief. Our conversation also highlights things people can do to cope with the current environment.

What is collective grief?

“There are a number of ways people can feel a sense of loss in this new normal,” says Leclair. The loss of a loved one may often be the main catalyst for grief. But Leclair also points out other losses that many may be experiencing right now:

Financial loss
Across many industries and around the world, the financial impact of COVID-19 has been devastating for many. Financial loss can bring new losses and changes that we aren’t able to predict right away.

Job loss
Research shows that job loss can bring about a prolonged period of grief. This grief is different from feelings of anxiety and depression. Job loss can also feel like a loss of identity and may impact self-esteem.

The loss of a project, or something you have been working toward for a long time
“Many people may have been saving money for years to start a new business. And suddenly, it’s gone,” Leclair noted. “This is a loss many are grieving right now.”

The loss of a significant event that has been cancelled (like a wedding or graduation)
Many people may have lost or been forced to alter an important milestone in their lives because of COVID-19.

“We can’t turn around and say ‘I should have planned for this,’” Leclair says. “So the feelings of loss are very real as they include feelings of loss of agency, thoughts that the world is unpredictable and ‘I cannot prepare myself for what is to come.’ This thinking pattern can bring on high levels of anxiety.”

The loss of an activity that defines you outside of work
Leclair told me about her mother-in-law, who is 80 years old and a Masters swimmer.

“She has been swimming for 50 years, it’s her passion,” Leclair says. “But now the pool is closed, and she is left wondering ‘Will I ever swim again?’”

The loss of human contact
“The other day a client told me they hadn’t touched another human being in 40 days,” Leclair explained. “We have significantly shrunk our idea of who and what is ‘safe’. We are distancing from everyone except those we physically live with, and there’s a great loss in that. We are after all social animals. There’s a missed opportunity for physical touch when you can’t share a handshake, hug anyone, kiss anyone.”

The loss of freedom
“Many of us are feeling grief for our loss of freedom and autonomy,” says Leclair. “We can’t do things that seemed so routine before, like meeting friends, going to a concert. There are many restrictions in our current daily lives, and it’s not something many of us Canadians are familiar with.”

What is anticipatory grief?

Anticipatory grief refers to mourning that occurs when someone is expecting the death of a loved one. It has many of the same signs as those experienced after a death has occurred. Anticipatory grief may also refer to the feeling many people have about the future being uncertain.

“We all seek certainty,” Leclair notes. “And ambiguity can result in anxiety. People often feel that if they can control their situation, they can feel safe. But now, we’re in a situation of ‘wait and see’ where much is beyond our control. The result? Our brains may be preparing us for other negative consequences we cannot control. We may be developing expectations of helplessness, feelings of discouragement and hopelessness.”

Why people may be experiencing feelings of grief right now

According to social workers, this communal feeling of grief is prevalent. This may be because everything — our work, health-care, education and economy — is now unstable.

My conversation with Leclair revealed that in addition to the loss of loved ones, people grieve for other things that they are naturally attached to. It could be places, possessions, projects and more.

Right now, we’re also experiencing ambiguous loss. The lack of clarity or timeline around the situation can make it difficult to move forward. There are also many types of losses going on at the same time.

How to deal with grief

I asked Leclair for her thoughts on how to deal with grief:

Find small moments of happiness in every day.

It’s natural in times of grief to alternate between feelings of sadness and moments of acceptance. Do not feel guilty about the good that you are experiencing. Instead, in the words of Dr. Rick Hanson, install the good, revel in the experience.

Leclair also suggests finding even very small ways to take control of your situation. For example, a recent job loss may have created anxiety about finances. One small step may be to try mapping out your budget for the week ahead and making active choices about what to prioritize in terms of spending.

Keeping a journal is one way to reflect on your feelings of grief. It may be a helpful way to reflect on both individual and collective losses that you are experiencing right now. While this is a unique situation, it may help to think about your strengths and coping skills. For example, how you have handled other difficult life transitions in the past.

Originally published on Lumino Health