“Fine.”
______________________“Hey, how are you?”
I am shattered.
Shocked.
Torn up.
Screaming on the inside.
I am waiting to wake.
I am slowly sliding off the world.
Fog is swallowing me.
My heart won’t stop skipping.
I feel gutted.
I bleed internally.
I am drenched in tears.
The grief overwhelms me.
I am underwater.
I think in slow motion.
I am completely lost.
“I’m fine.”
______________________“Do you wanna talk?”
Yes. . . .
No. . . .
You can’t help me.
Talking won’t answer the questions.
I want to know why.
I want to know how I could have helped.
Was this preventable?
I should have been there.
I should have asked.
It doesn’t make sense.
You were there when I needed someone.
When was the last time we talked?
What did I say?
Why didn’t you see my message?
Why didn’t I see your pain?
Why didn’t you reach out?
Why?
Why?
Why?
“No. I’m okay.”
______________________“Let me know if you need anything.”
I won’t.
I don’t want to show how much this hurts.
My tears reveal the soreness.
This pain is different, soaked in ‘what ifs’.
The rawness invades my core.
You can’t do anything.
You can’t bring my friend back.
I don’t know what I need.
But whatever it is, I won’t ask you.
“I will. Thanks.”
______________________“Do you need a hug?”
. . . Yes. . . .
“No.”
______________________“You sure you’re okay?”
. . . No. . . .
I am not okay.
The brightest light has gone out.
The warmest ray of sun has grown cold.
I have to continue forward, and I can’t.
I don’t know how to walk.
Each breath hurts.
Gravity is so heavy.
I am not the same.
The world l know has changed.
I don’t trust anything or anyone.
The waves keep crashing.
How can I love when I’m afraid to lose?
How will I laugh?
Why is the sun still shining?
How can I stitch myself back together?
I can’t recover from this.
I can’t process it.
I’m broken.
I miss her so much.
“Just fine.”
For Alisha
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
