Love the silenced voice within
This is a time when I always feel obligated. To be with people, with family or friends and it’s just the time that I want to hide. That I don’t want to exist and only sleep. It’s not a time for me to be with family like they show us on television. I just want to be quiet, sleep and wake up when the new year has arrived.
But every year I bow. I visit my family because I feel obliged to do so. Because it’s what you do for love, however it’s the love for others. It’s not what I want to do for the love of myself, it’s not what I want or need. I don’t need Christmas as a reason to see my familie, I am able to visit them any day of the year.
When I was a child, we were always with family during the holidays. Even as a child it was always too much for me and those family gatherings really made me nervous. I was always anxious and felt forced to be joyful while my heart was crying, because as a baby during this time of the year, I’ve lost my first biological family.
That’s why being with people is not what I need. All I need is silence to listen to this voice that was silenced years ago when I was a baby. I want that voice to be heard and healed. To do so, I should live to love myself more. To let my soul speak and listen when it says ‘Not now, I need time, I need space, to heal and find love again.’
How strange that a voice that’s your home, is the most difficult to find and love again.
~by pherawaty
More work by pherawaty: Upside Wilderness , Amazon books
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