the griefsoul fairytales 1 / broken journey
It sounds weird to use the term fairytale when it comes to grief, but perhaps it enlights a sparkle around this phenomenon. Griefsoul isn’t an acknowledge term, but they are intertwined. Grief has an immense impact on someone’s soul. When we face grief, we face the disturbance and the damage of our soul. Our world feels broken, while everything around us continues, broken or not broken. There isn’t a lot of room to be aware of the damage our loss has left. There isn’t always a lot of time to take a moment to watch and realize what happened and what to do next. For me, all I could think about is writing, a way to share my story and a way for others to stand still in their own grief. If they want to.
Last week I watched the video of Kerri Strug at the Olympics in 1996. She managed to take the USA vault team to first place in the Olympics while being badly injured before she made her final and decisive move on the vault. Despite her pain, she did what she had to do and what was expected from her. They won and she’s praised for her accomplishment until this day. There are many reasons I can watch this over and over. One of them is my admiration for her strong determination to finish what was expected from her despite the pain she was in. Even though the vault isn’t my cup of tea, I do realize that is how I handle my life at this moment.
In march my mom passed a way after years of dealing with illnesses as cancer, IBS and in the last few years dementia. Next to the physical trouble she also coped with panic and anxiety which in the end got worse because of her dementia. When she passed away I was relieved I could remember the woman she was next to her health problems. As I said at her funeral:
Even though it became difficult to remain the light. I have seen you disappear more and more and yet you remained my mother. Still I saw you. The woman who showed me the treasure of life of love, devotion and care. The woman who embraces me, who loves me so much and who calls me daughter.
Thinking about who she was and what she wanted for me, I don’t want to give into the broken pieces within. The broken that is left after her passing. I am afraid that with acknowledging what is broken, I don’t appreciate the love she had for me. That I’m not living the hopes and dreams she has for me. On the other side, I am not able to experience happiness and joy around me. Not as most people do at least. I still enjoy good music, a good book, being at home just being quiet. I’m not sure joy is the good word, it just feels safe for now. Safe to exist while the broken pieces are still existing. In the meantime I’m curious what journey I will follow to heal.
For now it’s lvsoulfairy with the griefsoul fairytales. Not only to share my grief journey, but also to share my words of love and light to inspire you in your journey as well.
~ by pherawaty
