Dear Future Employer:
It’s not what it looks like. In fact, it’s not even what I look like.
I probably would have forgone ‘firstly natural ginger’ for something seductively vague like ‘honorable mention: woman of average height, weight, and hair color.’
Though, if they’d consulted me first, I might have avoided being on the receiving end of two calls a day, or several text messages a month from bored men who flex their proverbial wit with lines like:
- ‘q.v.’ …which likely stands for ‘quick visit,’ as opposed to the Latin quod vide
- ‘Are u avail?’
- ‘When do I get to redeem myself?’
- ‘I’m that guy from Bryson Court. Couldn’t get hard’
- ‘Don’t you have a [sic] ad and your [sic] sucking sick [sic] for cash ? Do your job. Don’t text nothing back though I get the last word.’
What does ‘firstly’ even mean in the context of the personal escort industry? For everything firstly natural ginger does, she performs with the integrity of a winner? A woman whose love of securing first place rivals only her love of fake adverbs?
I digress.
I’m writing to inform you that I am not, nor have I ever been, affiliated with the personal escort industry. I am 22 years old, and while I do self-conceptualize as fun, energetic, intelligent, and down-to-earth, to be a natural redhead would require re-engineered genetics.
I do not have enemies. If I am guilty of anything, it’s having a phone number so repetitive that a half-broken touchscreen could execute the call. I’m a magnet to those who reject the dogma of phone repair. In fact, that might explain all the typos they sent me.
You’re probably wondering if I’ve done anything to reverse this mishap. I have. But what I’ve discovered over these past seven months is that consulting the ‘Request Ad Removal’ page on various personal escort sites is about as fruitful as trying gently to awaken someone — someone who happens to be anesthetized — because you just spotted Freddy Krueger lurking on your sleepy suburban street. Not to mention, as I learned in computer class in the third grade, what happens on the internet leaves a permanent and ever-traceable footprint, no matter how much your daddy pays to have it taken down.
In closing, despite a rather unfortunate misunderstanding for which I apologize profusely, I hope you will consider me for the post of phone sex operator. I can promise that the client will have an amazing time, won’t feel rushed, and will leave with a smile.
Sincerely,
Kitty Baby*
*created by an online stripper name generator
