Fallternatives
How to approach the season in a non-stereotypical manner
Are you tired of being called basic for simply living the fall lifestyle? Are you freezing because your “cozy” sweater is actually letting all the cold air in through its tiny holes? Are you drinking hot cider even though you don’t really like it just because you want to fit in? It’s time to reinvent fall. Here’s how:
1. Opt for gourds instead of pumpkins. Gourds have a lot more personality. Visit the nearest gourd patch to pick the gourd that speaks to you on a personal level. Have a gourd carving contest. Order a gourd spice latte at Starbucks. It is on the secret menu. Watch the little-known sequel called “It’s the Great Gourd, Charlie Brown.”
2. Find a more descriptive word for the air. The word “crisp” has lost its zesty freshness due to overuse. Get out your handy pocket thesaurus and look for a synonym. “Snappy” or “brisk” should do the trick.
3. Be the haunter, not the haunted. We all know Halloween is one giant costume competition. Don’t let the intense pressure get to you, because you could collapse under that thing. When in doubt, stick to the classics. You’re one of a kind, living in a world gone plastic. Ghost, witch, and mummy are all safe bets to which you can add twists. Be a Snapchat ghost. Be a Witch Girl. You can rely on the old man’s money. Go all out as a three-ply Charmin Ultra mummy. If you want to avoid a politically controversial costume, go as an undecided voter.
4. Leave the leaves alone. According to Instagram critics, leaves are not meant to be thrown, especially for photographs. Make sure all leaves remain stationary, on the ground, where they can be stepped on and not enjoyed, left to change color and wilt away.
5. Do a turkey triathlon. Turkey trots have become mainstream and the stakes must be raised. 3.1 is no longer long enough. Begin your training now so that you can beat all your extended family members. Ohana means family and family means nobody gets left behind EXCEPT when it comes to turkey triathlons which are survival of the fittest. In the weeks leading up to the event, trash talk as much as possible. Race eve is crucial to your performance. Carbo-load, hydrate, and ice your shins to avoid shin splints.
6. Switch up your wardrobe. The flannel button down is a fall classic in dire need of an update. Combine flannel with a more current trend like the choker necklace. A flannel choker necklace will keep your neck warmer than any infinity scarf ever could.
7. Empty your cornucopia. Cornucopias are typically jam-packed with vegetables to live up to their reputation of being symbols of abundance. An empty cornucopia could really be a game changer. Just the kind of statement piece your Thanksgiving table needs.
8. Wear your Uggs anyway. This is one thing you can’t give up. Uggs are the comfiest shoes in the entire world and you should wear them till the day you die.
9. Actually be thankful. Every year, your extended family gathers around the table, and every year, that one genuinely kind family member we all know and love suggests you each take a turn saying what you are thankful for. Usually you only make it about halfway around the table before someone who is excessively thankful gets carried away in their excessive thankfulness and then everyone starts singing Adele. This year, take the time to really think about how lucky you are to be alive. Contemplate how many years of life you have left. Live every day like it’s your last. Eat 7 dinner rolls. Have an extra helping of stuffing. Instagram your pic of leaves on the ground. It will shatter your record number of likes. You won the turkey triathlon. You will win fall.
