Why Your Fluffy Hooded Coat Could Be the Death of You
One College Student’s Quest to Ease Back Pain
It has been said that old people like to talk about their ailments, but I would argue that young people in their early twenties enjoy this activity just as much, if not more. I came to this realization a few months ago when I first brought up my back pain to a friend and it was immediately clear that I was not suffering alone.
“Me too,” he said. Another friend offered me a ‘buy one session, get one free’ deal from her chiropractor. Slowly, I began to notice that there is a widespread epidemic of back pain affecting college students across the nation, or at least in my immediate community. Seats that used to be comfy are gradually losing their appeal. Yoga classes are filling up. Unable to bear the weight of their heavy books, students across America are making the switch to rolling backpacks.
According to “7 Things Your Back Is Trying To Tell You,” backs can communicate and they are sending a lot of mixed signals. I am here to help. I am your life raft. Doggy paddle to me. While I may not be a medical professional (yet), I have been reading up about back pain and working day and night to compile this simple 4-step guide to help you get your back back on track. These 4 steps are a condensed collection of the cutting edge medical research being done on back pain.
1. Reevaluate Your Sense of Fashion
I am constantly scouring the news for potential causes of my back pain, and new theories are coming out each day. The most recent article I read really hit home: “Skinny Jeans Contribute to Back Pain, Study Finds.” Upon further investigation of the study, I determined that “coats with large fluffy hoods” are also a newfound source of back pain. As a person reading said article while wearing skinny jeans and coat with a large fluffy hood, I couldn’t help but feel as though the article was the answer to all of my troubles.
You might have been drawn to this article as a fluffy hooded coat owner fearing for your life, and I will admit that the headline was largely for the purposes of shock value and boosting the reading stats of the article, but it is also rooted in science. Look down at your jeans — are they skinny? Shed them. Check your coat — does it have a fluffy hood? Detach it. A wardrobe change is in order. This is also a convenient opportunity to change your whole lifestyle. Move somewhere warm, where you no longer have a need for a coat. Get yourself some loose jeans. Kick back. Girl, put your records on. Tell me your favorite song. You go ahead, let your hair down. Sapphire and big flare jeans, I hope your get your dreams. You’re gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.
2. Fix Your Posture
Everything feels more formal when you are sitting up, as though you are a guest at a fancy tea. You may find that you have a newfound confidence in this upright position. You might see the world differently, and realize that there is more to life than skinny jeans and fluffy hoods. When you are sitting upright, you may start to think about what you want to accomplish with your life, and how your newfound posture can take you there. With the right mentality, only good things can come from back pain.
3. Rise
Replace sitting with standing. Sources call sitting “the new smoking” and suggest using standing desks. You might think there are certain situations where sitting is unavoidable, but that is because your back pain is affecting your creativity.
Standing offers an opportunity to make your voice heard. If you stand every time you speak in class, your back will feel better and you will convey a greater sense of passion. Professors will love this. If you find yourself blocking the view of the person behind you, all the better — this will encourage another person to stand, and the first follower is the central ingredient in leadership movements. Pretty soon, the whole class will be standing, except for the students in the front row who can’t see that everyone behind them is standing. These students will suffer from a lifetime of back pain, which is sad, but they will likely excel in the class because sources say that students who sit in the front row may perform better academically. You can’t have it all.
If you are driving, you can stand with your head through the sunroof to see the cars in front of you. If your car doesn’t have a sunroof, carve one. If you are riding on an airplane and the flight attendants ask you to fasten your seatbelt as a safety precaution due to turbulence, make it clear that you will not stand for their perpetuation of sedentary culture, but you will remain physically standing. Also, be sure to put on your own mask before your child’s in the case of an emergency. Over time, restaurants will cater to the standing trend, and tables will be raised, along with steaks.
4. Get Rid of Your Cell Phone
Sources say cell phone use can be harmful to backs because it causes people to hunch over. I suggest one of three things: 1) buying a projector and projecting your cell phone screen onto the wall of whatever room you are in, 2) placing your phone upside down on the floor up against a wall and doing a backbend to read it, or 3) throwing out your cell phone altogether. This will help you to go off the grid, which is hip and trendy. You may lose touch with people over time, but your back will be back in action in no time flat.
