Bangs or No Bangs?
There is no question.
Break-ups can be hard regardless of whether you are the dumper or even the dumpee. I’ve been lucky that as of yet, I haven’t had a lot of experience with it and my addiction to Häagen Dazs thus far remains strictly recreational.
Like the goddess that is Ariana, I have had relationships and I have learnt a lot from them but I don’t fall in love easily. For those of you that I have been lucky enough to know over the last few years might find that difficult to believe. I was in a relationship for 2 and a half years after all- doesn’t exactly scream emotionless loner. Admittedly, I am a romantic, I’m in love with the idea of love. I have watched every Richard Curtis rom com known to man and I can quote Love Actually in my sleep. Now, it’s easy to confuse being a romantic with being desperate for love but they are by no means the same thing. It’s true that I love your standard romantic heroes — Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudice, William Thacker in Notting Hill, David Tennant in … well…anything. Thankfully, I don’t love them in a 13 year old Tumblr kind of way, anymore at least, but they still aren’t real. Most men cannot live up to our romantic comedy expectations and nor should they have to.
When it comes to real relationships, reality is far from this fantasy. I debated even mentioning relationships, their impact on me and how empowered I feel being single right now for fear of the repercussions. I was scared I would appear sad and manhating, leaving you all picturing me doing a Bridget Jones- crying into a glass of wine, being eaten by Alsatians. I was so touched by your responses to my last piece, how so many people could relate with my experience that I hoped that this would be no different. That being said, I didn’t want this post to be confused with a Taylor Swift break up song ( as talented as she may be ) or an attack on my ex. Not that we are on good terms or anything, I have more than a turbulent history with him but if he ever comes across this, I hope he doesn’t see this as some form of ill will. It’s just you can’t erase almost 3 years of your life.
I’ve mentioned before how difficult last year was for me, the person I was 6 months ago is almost unrecognisable to the person who is writing this today. I still drink too much coffee but the similarities pretty much end there. I am embarrassed to admit that I have written a lot of letters to myself over the last few months that I assure you will never see the light of day. They range in emotion- hurt, satisfaction, anger, fear but now… Well, while It’s sad knowing that we are unlikely to see each other again, it’s also truthfully a relief. We said a lot of things that neither of us can unsay and although I am not necessarily proud of some of them, for the most part I meant what I said. Our relationship, for longer than I cared to admit at the time, was truly unhappy and dysfunctional. It wasn’t really anyone’s fault, we simply just stopped loving each other. Not exactly the end to the romantic comedy I had always imagined. We did love each other once and there will always be a part of me that will hold on to the young and hopeful person I was when I first met him but I am just not that person anymore. Life changed us as it often does . One minute we were starry-eyed teenagers, desperate to be in each other’s company all of the time and the next… Well, I don’t know when it happened for sure but we just became strangers. I didn’t know the guy I was dating anymore and I’m sure he didn’t recognise me. I found myself holding out for the person I used to love, hoping that he would come back to me but that’s the thing, he wasn’t real anymore either. Like the romantic heroes I grew up watching and reading about, I was in love with the fantasy of him and not the person in front of me which was neither fair to him or me.
The problem is, as many of you will know, it’s difficult to realise this when you have been together for a long time and you have been through so much. You just don’t know how not to be together. We just found ourselves trapped. I’m not going to lie to you and say that there isn’t still anger about what happened but this isn’t a post about how much I hate him or how I wish our relationship had never happened. He made mistakes and many of them hurt me deeply but so did I . That being said, it’s done and regret is fundamentally useless anyway. I wanted this to be more of a thank you for the lessons he taught me, the ones I learned from our relationship and to thank him for doing what I wasn’t brave enough to do at the time. I will always be grateful to him for doing it because it’s let me become me again.
When we broke up, he told me to go off and be the “Queen” that he and I knew I could be. Now, did that sting! I had worked painfully hard over the summer with 4 jobs- trying to balance experience with earning money so that I could travel across Europe for a couple of weeks in July with him. I was working constantly and when I wasn’t, I was planning the trip essentially by myself. I was permanently exhausted and while I complained A LOT, I look back on that summer as one of my best achievements. I had never worked as hard in my life but it was worth every tear and tired moment. I was genuinely proud of my work with Barnardo’s and that’s why I resented that comment. It’s why even 6 months later, it continues to bother me because I thought that all things considered, I was doing well. Yet, in one text, I felt completely cut down and completely insignificant. I felt like that summer had meant nothing at all.
I told you that I don’t hate him, and I truthfully don’t, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t hate our relationship. It went on too long and I hated the person it had turned me into. It made me spineless and jealous and someone I don’t respect very much actually. I loved him so much that I had the tendency to believe he could do no wrong and I held his opinion above everyone else’s, even my own. With my lovely friend Hindsight, I can see how mad that is. No one can always be right, as much as he might have believed he was, and no one’s opinion should be valued that highly except from maybe Oprah. Now, neither of us are perfect and there are a lot of reasons why we didn’t work- my complete and utter disinterest in NFL being one of them but one thing is clear, I left that relationship a complete shell of myself. Now, I have mentioned I didn’t cry which is true and that was quite unexpected but it was more shock. My whole life had shattered around me. The person I had called my best friend ( excluding you Billi of course) was gone. We had talked everyday for almost 3 years and now I might never see him again. I didn’t know who I was without him and it was quite a surreal experience. It’s hard for anyone to get over- I mean I’m still getting over it and I might be for some time.
Our break-up was inevitable but I was still afraid. I was scared of going out on my own when he had always been there to answer my calls, day or night. He might not have always been right and although his text was painful to read, he did have a point. He wasn’t criticising my work, my achievements or the way other people saw me but rather my belief in myself. I didn’t think I was a “Queen” and that needed to change. I needed to empower myself. It’s something no one can teach you, it’s something you have to learn on your own.
I have read a lot of blogs about how your 20s are the best years of your life, you learn so much about yourself and you should be single for as long as you can because as soon as you turn 30 it’s all babies and paint charts. I’ve always admired these independent women who want to advance in their career-I grew up just wanting to be like them but it’s only now, leaving that relationship that I feel like I could actually become one of them.
I have always been surrounded by strong opinionated people- men and women. It was just commonplace for me to express my opinions because that’s what they did. I’m grateful to each and every one of them and the lessons they have taught me along the way and my parents are a big part of that. They are the ones who have ingrained that need for independence in my character. I have such fond memories of growing up- screaming at the TV at our corrupt politicians, not realising how it is the small moments like these that cement the people we will become. Although, my parents often say really wise things , ( can you tell they will read this?!) there is one thing that always sticks with me. My dad, in particular, has done this a couple of times over the years but the first time we were in his car. Out of the blue, he turned and looked at me. In his soft weegie accent, he asked me to promise him something. I nodded, probably so he would let me go back to my Tamagotchi or something. He told me he did not care what I did with my life- if I was a writer or a cowboy or an astronaut , he just didn’t want me to be beholden to anyone. He wanted me to be self-sufficient and stand on my own two feet. It’s a lesson that I will always take with me and will pass on to my own children if I am lucky enough to have any.
When I was little, I always thought he just meant I should keep my surname and have my own career. Now, I believe self-sufficiency is so much more than that. It’s knowing that I don’t need anyone to do anything for me except from maybe a doctor if I’m having a heart attack or something. It is believing that you are as strong as anyone else, as capable as anyone else and can do anything you want to just so long as you can believe you can do it. Other people might laugh, have their doubts but their opinions are not the ones that matter at the end of the day- only yours.
I have told you guys a lot of different reasons why I am doing this half marathon- I should have just picked one and stuck to it! I love DIWC and the work they do, I like challenges and projects, I am fighting my demons and managing my mental health and to top it off , now a break-up. People do do crazy things after break ups after all…at least I didn’t cut bangs again.
