Boy Brain
It’s an illness, an affliction as much as much any rash or flu. It infiltrates your every thought, day or night. What remains of your sanity will be abandoned, all of your thoughts from that moment on will be infiltrated with the disease. At first, you’ll swear you’re somehow immune and that nothing will change. This naivety will be your first mistake. At the beginning, those around you will be overjoyed at your happiness, they will congratulate you even but even these once strong friendships will become strained and their smiles will start to crack. Flash forward a couple of months, you’re sitting alone in your room, blasting Gotye’s Somebody I used to know, wondering where it all went wrong.
Okay…sorry for the dramatics but anything feel familiar? How many of us have lost friends because of our relationships? How many of us have fought with our loved ones as result of our romances? If you say no, you’re lying and if not-tell me your secrets! You never think you are going to be that person until you are in fact that person. I call this Boy Brain ( thanks Bill). It sounds like something you’d find on Urban Dictionary but it’s a very real phenomenon I assure you.Well, at least as of last week. In my studies , I have discovered that it can also apply to any relationship regardless of sexual preference. I have also found it is an undeterrable force of nature. We must all go through it to learn from it. We all, at one point or another, will have Boy Brain or will be a victim of its effects.Sometimes more than once if we refuse to learn the lesson..
Boy Brain is something I have been talking with friends a lot about recently. Even with my superior wisdom that is obviously far beyond my years…I can admit to being Patient Zero of this terrible disease of the brain but I have also been a side effect, the collateral damage to several other outbreaks as well. It was really refreshing talking to people after my break up piece. I know I’m supposed to feel completely liberated, especially since the mental health one did so well but considering the risk, it is no surprise that although you may have enjoyed it, my anxiety did not. It would be one thing if I was inventing this fictitious character but at the end of the day, he is a real person with thoughts and feelings like everyone else. He is someone a lot of you know personally, I spent a lot of time with him and despite our history, he is someone I still care about and did not want to hurt. Despite my initial anxiety, it was exactly what I needed to do and I am happy to report that a Belfast like peace wall has been constructed since I last spoke to you. Let’s just hope that this Good Friday agreement stands up.
While the writing has really helped sort through my feelings- a completely selfish endeavour, it is the conversation that has followed since that I have found really inspiring and quite unexpected. For some reason, the pieces that seem to do well are my most honest ones, the ones you can all relate to. Great. Nah, in all seriousness, I think my writing is better when I’m telling you exactly how I feel so that’s why we’ve taken a break from my running updates this week ( call it procrastination if you wish) and we’re focusing on this troubling matter of Boy Brain instead. I’ve had several conversations with people following my last couple of pieces and each have been rewarding in their own way but when I spoke to one of my best friends from home, ( CK you got your mention!) she made me realise that the conversation wasn’t over. Where I was fully content ( and perhaps all to ready) to leave my take on relationships fully in the past where they belong, she asked me a question that got me thinking. It doesn’t happen very often so when it does, I try and take full advantage! She asked if I felt I had given too much of myself to that relationship and if that was why ending it was so difficult. I didn’t even need to ponder her question, I just started laughing as she looked at me quizzically over Facetime.
There was no doubt in mymind that our relationship was unbalanced .Relationships are like see-saws. Some days, one person needs more support than the other. That’s perfectly okay. That is how life works- it will NEVER be 50–50. That being said, a seesaw- just like relationships- is no fun if it doesn’t go both ways and you share the effort together. To end a very stretched analogy, let’s just conclude that I had definitely suffered from a particularly nasty case of Boy Brain.
We are used to talking about Boy Brain as something that affects your friendships. You tend to ignore your friends needs and instead you replace them with your partner’s. Of course, that is certainly part of it. I was never the best at balancing all the people in my life. I am extremely lucky to have the support network I do, I have no shortage of people I care about. Unfortunately, this does not bode well when you are what is commonly known as a people pleaser. I am the worst for taking everyone’s opinion to heart and it cripples me when they are upset with me. I don’t know what to do with myself. There is no doubt that my relationship with my ex affected my other relationships. I want to stress that this is no fault of his and I did really treasure our time together but my priorities were completely off, When I didn’t see my family and friends, our relationships suffered. I became wracked with guilt and in turn this affected my relationship with him. Exhausted yet? It all feels like some giant messy yarn of wool…humour me here while I try and explain. Everything is connected, all the different threads are knotted closely together and when you try and pull on one to unknot it, it tightens and becomes impossible to separate. It feels like a hopeless job that you’ll never be able to solve.The worst thing about Boy Brain, as much as other people drive you crazy, is what happens to you when you don’t take care of yourself. If you’re human, this is all going to affect you because when you prioritise someone else’s needs above your own, you are going to lose it or you are going to lose yourself. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but at some point one of these two things will happen and more often that not both will.
- You lose yourself
We talk a lot about making compromises in relationships. Believe me, they are vital. We can’t go through life without them. We have to try and understand other people’s perspectives, points of view and admit that we aren’t always right in order to get on. It’s healthy. What isn’t healthy, is being the only one that does.
2. You lose it
In my last piece, I spoke to you about the pressure of doing everything and how inevitably we will fail (sorry). You cannot please everyone…we’ve heard it many times before but it doesn’t stop us trying. You’ll inevitably break and sometimes those pieces are harder to repair than preventing them from being broken in the first place.
What’s my prescription then?
It’s simple. Boy Brain is going to happen. New relationships are exciting, we get swept up in that overwhelming and exhilarating adrenalin of how amazing this person is; how smart they are, how much you have in common, how you could spend every second of everyday together and never be bored. It’s inevitable but it’s temporary. No one is that amazing except from maybe Oprah and when reality kicks in, hopefully that person is still pretty great. My advice is, accept that Boy Brain is going to happen. You are allowed to be swept up in a new relationship, it’s only natural. When you’re a side effect, don’t take it personally. It doesn’t mean they do not care about you and i’m sure if you need them, they will be there. Be patient, it’s only for a little while and if you love them let them be happy.
What happens when Boy Brain goes too far?
A mild case of Boy Brain is unlikely to do any long term damage. However, when the symptoms develop in the extreme, we have a more complicated but not an incurable problem. If you are the only one that compromises, you’ll stop standing up for something you actually care about. Just because you’re “easy”, “you don’t mind”, does not mean, you have to go along with what everyone else wants to do all the time. If they are the right person to be with, they will like the fact you have opinions even if it is not the same as theirs. They will not like you any less for being you and if they do, they weren’t the right person for you in the first place.
It’s important to learn what you like, what are your priorities and your interests? You are a person and it’s important to you let yourself be one. In my experience, I have had to learn this by being alone. I’m not sure if it’s an absolute rule and it may very well be possible in a relationship but for me, being single has let me focus on myself as my own person. It’s helped me understand that focusing on my own needs is not selfish, it’s self-preservation.
I’m not an extension of someone else and what they like. I have my own voice- no one needs to speak for me, I have my own thoughts and without Boy Brain, they are completely clear.
