Werewolf
Don’t get too excited…this isn’t where I bombard you with my horrendously written 13 year old Twilight Fanfiction…Thankfully,, my infatuation with Robert Pattinson did not go that far and never developed further than a few cringey posters. But in all seriousness, if you weren’t #TEAMEDWARD get out…Haha, just kidding, it’s just another self-deprecating blog where I share too much of my personal life with complete strangers. So, you’re all safe or maybe you were desperate to read my pre-adolescent thoughts, who knows? I can promise you I haven’t changed much so you aren’t missing out on a lot.
Last time I spoke to you, it was my 21st birthday! Woo, I made it! I really had a lovely day, celebrating with friends and family and more cake than any one person should ever consume. I wasn’t feeling like celebrating my birthday this year, I’ve had a couple of low weeks and just wasn’t in the celebrating state of mind. For anyone that knows me, you’ll know just how unlike me this is. I love birthdays- not just mine, I love all birthdays. I mean I will take any excuse to dress up, have a party and make a fuss. I have a eurovision party every year for goodness sake and I will continue to have one long after our backwards country leaves the EU and the best singing competition known to man. I love to celebrate-life is short as the cliché goes and I’m going to make sure that I live every second of it. That’s why I am so grateful for my friends and family for bringing me out of my slump of self pity and punishment. I admit, it’s one of my least attractive qualities and I am happy to report that my loved ones were having none of it. They didn’t let this big moment pass me by. Just see for yourself…
In the interest of not letting the big moments pass me by, I had been thinking for some time about getting a tattoo much to my Dad’s disdain. Now, I’ve always been a bit of a nerd. I’m sure teacher’s pet has been chucked in my direction once or twice. I loved school, I loved the learning- I was Head Girl for crying out loud. Just like this half marathon, I never for one second thought I would get a tattoo. Then I guess, I never imagined a lot of things. I wrote at the beginning of this post, how 13 year old me and my current self are not that different. I might wear slightly better clothes but for the most part that is true. I used to think that people didn’t change. I mean I look remarkably similar to my teenage self. You always see pictures of people’s “Glow Ups”- the before and after puberty transformations and then there’s me. I haven’t changed in 10 years. I grew boobs at 9 and then I just stopped. Puberty just skipped me altogether! Thanks a bunch xo .That being said, my interests from that point on have varied very little. I have also enjoyed writing- it’s the way I express myself. I have done so from a young age. You just have to look at my first novel: My sister’s trying to take over the world ( and ruin my life) to see how I used it to express my pent up emotions about my own sister. Love you really Charlie! My point is, fundamentally I am the same person I have always been. I’m a proud Scot- I love everything about my country and I am lucky to call it my home. I have always been a feminist and vocal about my opinions and I will always, always prefer a night-in over a night out in a noisy night club.
The important things have never changed. That being said, I was naïve to think that I would never change at all. If this last year has taught me anything. The only thing we can be certain thing of is that things will change and death, of course…but that’s a little bit too morbid for my tastes. We are so used to being scared of change- we shy away from it at all costs. It’s the unknown, the unpredictable- it’s scary. I agree, the planner in me wants to run away and hide under the covers, watching Netflix and forget all about it. Yet, what is that going to do? What will that achieve? Yeah, we might find out if our favourite “will they-won’t they?” couple gets together but what will happen in our real lives…? Denying change only makes it worse and sometimes change is actually a good thing. I needed to change. 6 months ago, there was so much wrong with my life. My priorities were skewed, I wasn’t looking after myself etc etc. You get the idea but making those changes at first was scary. It was emotional and difficult but at some point it was exciting. With change, there’s hope that things will get better. It gives you that motivation, that strength to make those changes and keep trying. So, if I was going to get a tattoo, I wanted it to reflect who I was now.
Hence, the moon cycle. I wanted to acknowledge how much I have changed in the last year and how I will continue to change. I wanted it to be a reminder of how we grow. From infancy to adulthood and how during that growth, we evolve. This all sounds really cheesy writing it down but hey we all like a bit of cheese, right? The moon is also a symbol for feminine strength- something about periods or something- so if you thought that this post wasn’t going to be about feminism. Sorry but I’m not really! Basically, we are all werewolves. Not in a embarrassing teen-fiction kind of way but if the moon symbolises this inevitable but powerful force of change then we are the werewolves that are bound to it. Just don’t go terrorising any villages now.
I’m not saying: “Hey! To live your life to the fullest, you need to get a tattoo, run a half marathon and write a blog” . It’s not a step-by-step guide on how to embrace change and be the happiest and best version of yourself. But for me, they are good way of ensuring that life doesn’t pass me by. With my mental health, there are days I just don’t want to leave my bed and face the world. I don’t want to talk to anyone, worry about what they are thinking or saying about me. That overthinking is exhausting but it’s the not living at all that worries me. When my relationship with my ex ended, I woke up one day before uni started with this all-consuming realisation that I was letting my university experience pass me by. Sure, I went to classes, had friends but I was two years in and I hadn’t really been part of any societies for example. My life just wasn’t in Dundee as much as I loved the city. My life was pretty small. Your life at university is supposed to be the happiest years of your life. I think we have established that that just wasn’t the case for me, as it is for many others. Obviously, different people will give very different reasons why this is the case for them but mine’s simple. I didn’t embrace everything the university had to offer. Truthfully, I didn’t have the time. I only spent every third weekend here. It’s just not feasible to create a life somewhere, feel a part of something if you are only half living it.
So, my advice ( if you guys really want it) is to embrace change. Don’t let life pass you by- especially the big moments. They are the ones that you’ll back on when you’re wrinkly and your grandchildren are driving you to distraction. It’s easy to be distracted by all the noise that this world has to offer but really all that matters is that when you look back, you’ve led a life you are proud of. It doesn’t matter if you are the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom or if you never had a job in your life, if you did what you wanted to do, then you should be proud. That’s all.
