Advice for the student seeking marriage

In the past 2 weeks I’ve been approached by two sisters and close friends asking on advice on marrying whilst being young and studying. I was pretty sure I had written an article on this, so checked my blog and found one I had written 6 months post-marriage. 2 and a half years and 2 babies later, I definitely have learnt a thing or two more! So after some tweaking and adding, here’s the articles, refreshed and reviewed. May Allah make it a means of benefit, ameen.

So many people ask what it’s like to marry young, as students. I tell them, no doubt you have your struggles, yet there’s something beautiful about having someone to share them with. Both of you are young, both are students, both are trying to work out how this marriage thing works and growing together into adults, into husbands, wives, fathers, mothers and revivers of this deen. And if anyone was to ask me what do you think is the essence of marriage in the early years? I’d say, it is learning and growing together, as two separate individuals but as one unit.

I had an ‘arranged’ marriage and tied the knot at the age of 19 whilst my husband was 18, both of us were unemployed, both of us were from completely different parts of the world, both of us had strikingly different upbringings but one thing both of us had in common was a certain level of maturity and connection to our deen.

We both knew marriage was not a joke but we knew its importance and we knew what it would entail. It required a lot of trust in Allah (swt) to take such a leap of faith at such a young age when we had the choice to delay marriage and live the’ teen life.’ It meant bucketfuls of Du’aa on both our sides but it helped that we were both absolute and certain about one thing — if we do something for the sake of Allah (swt), and especially if we made our marriage an obedience to Allah (swt), He *would* provide and make easy our path despite the uncertainty of the road ahead.

It wasn’t and isn’t always smooth sail but it definitely isn’t something I regret. I don’t feel, ‘if I didn’t marry, I could have done a, b and c.’ If anything, marriage has pushed me towards wanting to do more.

And so, with that very lengthy intro, here is a compilation of some pieces of advice from us to you. You who is perhaps a student, perhaps still a teen, perhaps wanting to marry to start a family, perhaps in love and wanting to make things halal. Here goes, bismillah!

1. Marriage is a serious commitment

The word serious is an understatement. Because today, many don’t honour or value this commitment because they entered marriage not realising what to expect and what should be expected of them.

I truly believe that if a person is able to, they should marry young for it brings focus, it brings protection, it is a means to further and grow the Ummah. However, if the person who is marrying young does not know what their responsibilities are in the marriage to their spouse and family and the rights of both parties as well as their families, it can go downhill.

Without this knowledge, without knowing what marriage entails — thinking it’s just a means of ‘completing half ones deen’ and a way of engaging in halal companionship and intimacy at a young age, is what the concerning part is. Because once that honeymoon phase passes and the novelty of having this new companion fades, then what will be left to keep the marriage going?

The fuel to keep a marriage going should not be based on blind love and fleeting feelings, but in the Shariah what fuels the marriage is the rights and responsibilities that the spouse have over each other. In their treatment towards them, in their fulfilling of each other’s needs, in their affection when they falter, in their mercy amidst arguments and disagreements and in their peace within the home by making the foundation: obedience to Allah (swt) first and foremostly.

So my first advice for any young person wanting to marry is, take a step back and do some introspection and reading.

Ask yourself:
1. Do you know the rights and responsibilities within marriage?
2. Are you ready to bring another human being into your life whom will be in some way dependant on you and are you ready for care for them as you do for yourself?
3. Are you in a healthy space on your life — mentally, physically and emotionally?


Now, these questions don’t have a yes or no answer. But they are there to prod you to ponder over the seriousness of marriage and what it entails, and also help you to work on/out a few things before you take the next steps.

There’s also one more question I recently thought is important to add to that list and ask yourself, and that is,

4. Are you ready to be a mother or father?

Because after marriage that, at any time is a high possibility. Yes, it can happen anytime even if you take all the cautions in the world, Allah (swt) can still decree it. Thus, not only do you need to be ready to take care of another person but quite possibly, a few people including a child.
If you can answer, yes to this particular question, it reflects that you truly know that this marriage thing is a beautiful thing but also, that it ain’t no joke either!

2. Take the means to win the bread:

This is one for the guys, but it’s also equally important for the girls to know about and ask their prospective spouses. I am a firm believer and also a living example of this ayah.

“And marry the unmarried among you and the righteous among your male slaves and female slaves. If they should be poor, Allah will enrich them from His bounty, and Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing.” (24:32)

As someone who entered a marriage, where both I and my husband weren’t earning or employed and completely dependant on his parents for finances, but never felt we were deprived of Rizq. Instead, we have witnessed how Allah (swt) has opened doors in this regard over the years. Yes, it meant initially living a simpler life (our first home was a shared student home), learning how to manage saving pots, and being patient and holding off from buying any Eid gifts for each member of my family for a bit. However, the wait and sabr pays off and after graduation, my husband was able to go into full-time work, alhamdulilah. Allah (swt) talks specifically about marriage and rizq, He says:


The point is if you are making an effort, and if you married despite knowing the financial situation, Allah *will* not leave you alone. But it’s your job, as the man of the house, as the breadwinner to take the means and to not become complacent and lazy and sit and do nothing, as well as not to expect the wife to take on this responsibility. For it is yours, not hers.

He (swt) says:

“Men are in charge of women, because Allah hath made the one of them to excel the other, and because they spend of their property (for the support of women).” (4:34)

It would also not be very smart to enter a marriage, again blindly, without having talked about these things. For the reality is, money is important. As much as it can be a means of great trial, it is also a means of doing and spreading more good. That’s why, it’s important, as students who are heading into marriage to talk about a few things:

1. Are the family/ies willing to finance and support the couple until the husband can find a job?
2. In Islam, it is the duty of the husband to be the one provides financially, so if the husband is unemployed, is he seeking work? If he is still a student, can he look for something part-time?
3. If the wife also wants to work and chooses to support her husband, what does the prospective husband feel about this?

For most young couples wanting to marry for all the right reasons, families are generally supportive and I urge any parents reading this to help the couple get onto their feet and support them financially if they can whilst they focus on studies or at least up to a certain time.

Because one of the main reasons marriage is delayed these days is because people feel they need to be earning X amount of money before they can manage a family.

I tell you, no. My husband was earning zero, so was I. But that didn’t matter. What mattered was that he was actively seeking employment, he had worked in the past and until he got something else, we had people willing to support us.

And that’s what truly matters, effort and some level of stability and income.

3. Reach out

Marrying young when the entire world is dating and indulging in haraam — running away from true commitment, is a very brave and noble thing to do.
And so the whole process can be quite lonely. Just convincing parents or getting people to understand and that you’re ready can be a challenge in itself. My advice is, to reach out. Speak to others who have married young, learn from their wisdom. Speak to students in particular who are married and still studying. Seek the advice of imaams, reach out and find that support you need.

Parents, reach out a hand to your child. Help them by making the halal easy not a thorny process. Look for your child’s best interest and ready them for marriage.

Also, when you marry young, you may have to move away from family or maybe it’s because you’ve left so much of you behind. So much of what gave you company; whether it was your friends, your routine, your space, the familiarity — that this new change can really make you feel down in the dumps at times.

If you’re financially dependant on his family, you may be limited to how much you can spend and what on, for a while. These are the things not many people talk about. Marrying young is lovely, but it’s also stressful and can be lonely when you don’t have others to relate to.

But, it will pass. I say that because I know many friends who have gotten married and felt this way. And that’s why as a young married couple, you must keep busy, with your hobbies, passions, with your studies, and spending time with each other as well as others too. Be together but don’t isolate yourself and resort into a bubble. Together, connect with the community and other couples.

This is especially important if you married and moved away from your family, whether it’s a new city or country. Both I and my husband moved away from our home cities, well — he moved from his country! So we were both away from our families. This meant it was important for us to reach out to our communities and make new friends. Whether it was other students or married couples, people we could relate to and could us grow spiritually is what we needed and still do need.

If you both study at university, then ISOC is a good place to start! For us, this worked the best, as we were at uni 80% of the time and could find like-minded brothers and sisters in our prayer rooms. The next step could possibly be, hosting a tea party at home, or going out with our new friends to get to know them and their wider circle.

Another thing that can happen after marriage is that it can be so easy to drift apart from those who were once so important to us, especially if we are miles away from them. But, a call to your parents each day, a quick msg to the friends and a video call with your grandparents when you get the chance is necessary. It doesn’t have to be big, but consistency matters. Let them know that even though your married now, you still value and love them.

4. Spirituality is a personal thing

Only God knows how many times I’ve read cringe-worthy posts about husbands doing tasbeeh on their wives fingers and her then holding his hands up whilst he makes Du’aa and all that fluffy stuff!

People do over romanticise spirituality, especially in marriage. And what these posts do, is make people form expectations that their husband or wife will be their spiritual saviour and will get them up for Fajr and bring their jug of water to do wudhu. Whilst all these are good things and not ill-intentioned it’s important to know that in marriage, you work together, but you still remain YOU.

Meaning, there’s some acts of ibaadah that really up your Imaan but the same ibaadah may not do the same for your spouse. They may do more of another act of ibaadah and find that spiritually boosting.
There are some things I and my husband will do together like praying some salaah in Jama’at, but whilst he may enjoy listening to podcasts and learning Arabic which helps him spiritually, I benefit more from listening to or reciting x amount of pages from the Qur’an daily. And those things are personal to me. They something I love to do alone because it’s time for just me and Allah.
Therefore, it’s important, that before marriage you have a handful of things you do that fill the spiritual cup of yours and which you enjoy doing alone without your husband necessarily. This will help you find the balance between doing things with your spouse and doing things by yourself because you have your own identity too and your own relationship with Allah (swt).

5. Embrace the highs and lows — together

Marriage is beautiful, it is unique and it is a means of much good in the world. At the same time, it’s challenging, it can push you out of your comfort zones, it can be lonely at times too. But that’s what pushes you to grow, to embrace adulthood, to work together, learn how to navigate disagreements and differences, learn how to compromise and give more than you take. A sincere intention, trust in Allah (swt) and lots of Du’aa is what will help you on this road. Whilst a student at university, being surrounded by free mixing and what-not, marriage gives you a sense of security and sakeenah knowing you have a companion with you as you tackle these hard years of focused study, exams, living away from family and the stresses of being young in this sometimes confusing world.

For those seeking marriage, I want to add one more advise.

Du’aa.

And especially this one:

And those who say, “Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous.” (25:74)
Ask Allah (swt) to make marriage a means of good for you in both worlds. To facilitate it for you in a smooth and easy way. To bless you with a righteous companion. Ask Him for Rizq so that you can use it to maintain your family. For support and guidance. And most importantly, for the ability to fulfil all your roles and responsibilities — towards Him, towards your parents, spouse, siblings, friends and community with excellence.

Because we are all shepherds.
We are in charge of our flock.
He will ask us about that flock.
So let’s do our best to take care of it. For they are our amanah.