The Fine Line Between Self-Care & Selfishness
Wow, where do I even begin.
It feels like it’s been forever since I’ve written a blogpost. The truth is, it’s been a long time. I almost feel like I’ve forgotten how to write one! Even though, I have been doing some sort of writing, here and then — th e NaNoWriMo, journalling and grocery shopping lists! But not enough.
My blogpost today may be a little messy. You may find be going off on tangents. That’s probably because there’s so much to say that I haven’t said and so many jumbled up thoughts that need penning.
So, here it is…
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Last week, I went to a fancy dress party with my 9 month old. I was dressed as little red riding hood and he was the small, soft wolf. It’d been a long time, since I’d given birth actually, that I felt like the old me. The me who enjoyed spending time with friends, eating cake, and devouring chicken strips from the local takeaway. Whilst my baby slept in the other room, I laughed, I caught up with life and made new friends. It was refreshing, alhamdulilah.
Just as I was eating my take away, my 9 month old woke up, it was way past his best time and so I knew not to take him into the main room where everyone was eating and talking. He would get so overwhelmed. So I decided to sit in the next room, and eat, whilst he played with my can of Tango.
A few moments later, my friend walks in, sits besides me, and asks me, “I wanted to ask you something, for some advice. How do you give your everything to this child?” “We live in a world today where everyone pushes this idea of giving to your self, and pursuing your dreams… so what about you?”
I paused and smiled.
“I know why I’m giving what I give. And I make sure I also make time for me. This helps me give more. But most importantly, I have a vision. I know why I’m doing what I’m doing, and because of that I don’t see it as just saying at home and raising a child. It’s more than that for me, it’s like another project I’m working on. I want to give my all.”
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It was a cold December evening, and myself, my husband and my 9 month old were sitting in a dessert place. “Do you have any other friends who want to start and raise a family, who would, for the most part, enjoy motherhood?”
“I know maybe one or two people, who would, and wouldn’t see it as a restricting but rather something they do by choice and passion.”
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I sit here, on my laptop on this mild Tuesday morning with these conversations whizzing in my head. This is not the first time, I’ve been asked, why I wanted to be a mother and stay at home and raise a family, and not the first time someone has asked me about self-care.
The reality is, that unfortunately, today we live, in a world that emphasises the self and ego so much. The idea that one must pursue their dreams, enhance their careers, give to themselves, be empowered, and the one which is moving fast, have equal rights as their male counterparts, is not something I am against completely. However, I do feel, that these idelogies have taken something away from us. A natural, empathetic, human instinct to want to give whatever in our means for a cause that is important to us and thus motherhood is seen as an inferior role.
A lot of people who know me have seen me transition from a volunteer, to a student, to now, a mother. I have worked in the past, and was actively involved in whatever project was thrown my way. Now though, I am a stay at home, I cook and clean, I change nappies, I play and talk baby language, I go for walks, I study, I pursue my other goals when baby naps or sleep. But for some reason, when I am compared to the average, empowered, female today, who is organising an event, putting her children in day care to pursue her career, or fighting for some passionate cause on the streets or on social media, I am felt sorry for.
But why, how is it that motherhood has become such an underrated job? And that if I CHOOSE, right now, at this point in my life, to stay at home with my child, and not want to work part-time or volunteer for an organisation, then I’m not giving enough back to myself and making motherhood my only identity? Motherhood doesn’t define me, it refines me.
I read so many posts, by Muslim females, some who are iconic figures who have a lot of following, talking about how, motherhood isn’t cut for them, that it isn’t something instinctive in women, and that they aren’t maternal and believe that they should be able to do what the men do, and constantly reminding other women to fight for our rights, especially those out of the home. (aka: feminism).
What I can’t get my head around, is how nowhere in Islam, does it say that it’s obligatory for a woman to become a motherhood and choose motherhood. Nor does it fail to mention the rights of women. So why is it that today, we feel threatened by those who do choose motherhood over other things, and feel like we’re truly empowered only if we have oppsotie opinions? But don’t feel the same way towards a woman who leaves her children in the hands of others, to pursue her dream, because she must have an identity and take care of herself? Whatever happened to the balance.
I’m not saying everyone should choose motherhood. Nor am I saying that we shouldn’t educate ourselves of our rights and not have an identity besides being a mum and wife, but constantly getting defensive and being opinionated, men bashing and udnermining motherhood is something that has become so common but is also overlooked, in the name of, ‘feminism.’ The truth is, there is no ‘feminism’ in Islam because Islam already empowers women and gives them a high status.
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Now moving onto the crooks off the article (I just had to get that off my chest!). Self-care and selfishness. When my friend asked me that day how I stay at home with my baby, and for the most part, enjoy it, or try to. The reality is, it’s difficult, but this is my project.
When I was a teenager, editing articles for a magazine, teaching children workshops, and volunteering, they were my then projects. Just like motherhood, they had their own difficulties. On a different level of course. But they too reuqired my time, my Du’aas, my efforts, my trust in Allah, patience and most importantly purpose.
Motherhood is the same. Going into marriage or motherhood blindly, without knowing why, or without having a greater vision tied to it, or a greater purpose behind it, is dangerous. Because there will be day you’ll miss your old self, there’ll be days you do feel like your giving too much. But if you know why your giving, that giving won’t feel like too much. You wan to do it and you know why. And it won’t feel like moments of waste, but moments of productivity.
It’s tough to feel that way all the time. When the baby is screaming or you’ve had so many hours without talking to an adult. But then a few hours later, when your baby is fast asleep, your stomach is satisfied with the food you cooked and prepared yourself, when the house is in order, and you finally get to read your pages of Qur’an, read a few pages of a book, write a blogpost, or make revision notes, you feel as though you could do it all again. That is your self-care.
And that’s what I told my friend. As you move through life, your defintion of self-care changes. Once, your self-care was volunteering for the local masjid, after a long day at work or university, it felt refreshing to do that or to edit an article piece. Now, your self-care are those 3 pages of Qur’an you read.
There’s so much emphasis on dreaming big, on accomplishing great things, on taking care of your self because you matter, that sometimes, not always, but sometimes, it can translate into, “I am more important than you or this thing, I come first, you come second.” However, that’s when self-care becomes selfishness.
Selfishness sucks out all the compassion, giving and sacrificing parts of you (which today have negative connotations) whilst self-care enhances those qualities. You take care of yourself and that helps you keep taking care of your flock.
Independence, having your own identity and dreams, are all good things, no doubt. But why do we have to use them to create a movement, when Islam already gives us them? Islam gives women independence and identity through keeping their name when they marry, freely being able to use their husbands money, a choice to work if need to, right to divorce and much more, so why do we need to call it. ‘feminism?’
People may call me backwards and traditional for my beliefs, but I truly believe we’re living in a world that has robbed us off compassion and our desire to give. We are programmed to think only about ourselves. If this is your right, then this mine, when in the past, you knew your rights and they knew theirs but it wasn’t used to defame or neglect or push aside.
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This may come as a surprise, but... I don’t expect my husband to wake up at night each time my baby wakes to feed because if I get up, so should he (though he still does, unless he’s knocked out due to basketball!).
I don’t expect him to organise and clean the house like I do because he must do what I do in the home in terms of cooking and cleaning (though when I can’t cook some days, he will take over and clean why I can’t be bothered).
I don’t expect him to change our baby’s nappy as soon as he comes home from work, because, “I’ve be doing it all day so now you should take over.”
Likewise, he doesn’t expect me to work his 9am-6pm (sometimes, 4am-1pm) job (though I have volunteered to do it, it looks fun :p).
Nor does he expect me to sit in his lectures, calculate the bills, apply for jobs, travel to other cities for work and interviews, or deliver and write up his khutbahs (though he knows I’m there if I need him).
Is this because my husband is a misogynyst or because I don’t know my rights? Or maybe it’s because I’m easily walked over. No! I choose to take care of the aspects of the home and I know he’s there if I need help and likewise, he takes care of the outside home things and knows he can ask me to help out if I have the free time!
Now, if I was to mention this to the average person today, man or woman, I would again be called backwards. But for me, I truly believe, Allah has made us shepherds over our flock. If we choose to take care of that area, it doesn’t mean, that our other halves should do also, they are taking care of their own, which includes us because what they’re doing is essentialy for us, for stability. Just like we’re taking care of our flock, benefits them too.
Today however, it’s either, you do everything I do, and if you don’t your misogynist or a misandrist. If you don’t also cook equal amount of times a week, you don’t respect women, so if I don’t work my husbands job, I also don’t respect him?
This is not to say we shouldn’t help each other. Marriage is about teamwork, it’s about being there for each other, but not to the extent that every single thing must be equal, becuase equality doesn’t mean it’ll be fair, however, equity is what will always ensure justice and fairness. (see picture).
In conclusion, (now I sound like I’ve shifted from blogpost to assignment). It all boils down to priorities. Self-care should be a priority for yourself whatever phase you are in life, whatever role you have, but that self-care will look different each time.
For me, my priority in life right now, is to be there for my child, to take care of my home and household whilst keeping up at a good pace with my studies, and for my husband it’s to finish his complete his degree and find a suitable job. Does that make me any less empowered? No, we both are pursuing our dreams. He assists me in my dream by working hard on his studies and sorting out all the technical stuff, whilst also spending time with us. I assist his dream by not adding more tasks or jobs onto his plate at a time he needs to focus on it the most (more than I do on my studies right now) and ensuring after a long days work he comes home to warm food and a warm home. Is that unequal? Am I neglecting my self-care?
I pray Allah enables us to truly understand the beauty and wisdom that our deen assigns to our roles and resonsiblitis and makes us compassionate and giving whilst not neglecting ourselves in the process, ameen ❤
