The Old Teak Closet — The Sudha and Divya story

A mother, A daughter, but multiple confrontations. TW: physical and emotional abuse.

“Yes”

And the moment Sudha heard that, she slapped her daughter. A slap so loud, the people outside the room heard it too, and conveniently ignored it, which was the standard protocol at every Indian household. Divya stood there, her head down, tears rolling down her cheeks. “What will society think of us? What is your aunt going to say? I try my best to provide for you and get you opportunities to make sure that you get enough exposure and this is what you end up doing?!” she yelled, at the top of her voice. Normally, you wouldn’t find Sudha Chandrashekar speaking this way. People who knew her wouldn’t expect such a decibel from her, for she was always the soft-spoken mother of three, a devout housewife who supported her husband’s rise among the ranks in his company and held the family together. But the people behind the closed doors knew what she was capable of. They knew a different story, a different face.

If there was a stereotype for middle-aged women born and brought up in Tamil Nadu, Sudha would fit most of it. Married young, before she even graduated, in a hurried wedding, to Chandrashekar, a man that was slightly older than she was. Sudha’s parents were typically old-fashioned, and didn’t want to let the offer slip. “It’s our duty” her father would say. He was a professor, widely respected in his circles, and a role-model to a lot of people he knew. Sudha’s mother was a housewife too, and was particularly strict with her daughter. Her son, her firstborn, got the special treatment that every man born in the era got, and he did use it to his best advantage, being the first one in the neighborhood to study and work in America, which became a badge of honor for the family, the same badge, which increased their value in the marriage market, ‘winning’ good people to get their children married to, as Subramaniam put it. Soon after her brother, on her mother’s strong insistence, Sudha was married off too, and her parents sent her off with pomp. Gold, silver utensils, silk sarees, and a fine teak closet, custom made by a friend of the family, with drawers and compartments.

“You are not taking that entrance exam. You can stop going to work now, we’ve seen enough. I am not letting you out of my sight. And, you will not speak a word about this to your sisters or your father. You understand?” Sudha declared to her daughter. “Ma, I am sorry.. I won’t go to work. But can you not stop me from going for my masters? You know IIM has been my dream since school… please. I beg you. I know I am wrong. I will not repeat this” Divya pleaded, her voice soft. While she was starting to feel the intensity of the situation, she also started regretting the last 8 months of her life. Her crime? falling in love with someone, a woman. Divya berated herself inside her head. “I should have known better” she said. She was conflicted too, while on one side, she felt terrible for letting her mother down, the rational side of her brain was screaming. It was telling her that it wasn’t even her fault because falling in love is natural, and it was the people around her that were narrow minded slaves of the supposed customs. But solving conflicts, especially the internal ones, had never been Divya’s strongest suite. “My decision is final, Divya. Be glad we are not being harsher than we already are on you. You got off easier than your sister. Don’t make us take any further steps” Sudha said, and stormed out, leaving her daughter crying.

“Don’t shame the family” Sudha’s mother would always say. And as she was dealing with the details of her daughter’s personal life, all she could hear was her mother’s voice echoing over and over in her head. “You have shamed the family. I have no choice but to die now”, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?”, “You should know your duties”. The list of rules she had to follow growing up was never ending. It was traumatizing, but unacknowledged. A lot of households in the country are like that, and it is hardly even recognized. Sudha had to be the perfect daughter to win her mother’s approval. Starting from the folds of her saree to the grades of a degree that they didn’t even expect her to use, everything had to be perfect to the T. And she was, because that was the only way she could survive. “People decide who I am based on who you are, Sudha. So it is up to you.” she would say. And Sudha followed. She was obedient, religious, followed every custom. It was the only way she could survive. Anything else would be met with physical punishment, sometimes from her father, sometimes her mother. The delegation between the parents was unpredictable. Over the years, Sudha had mastered the art of being perfect, just in time for marriage, and it extended into her own role as a mother. She made sure her three daughters got an education, developed interests of their own, and can also provide for themselves if necessary. But her mother’s toxicity extended itself into her as well.

Divya and her sisters had a confusing childhood being stuck in between two extremes. Jekyll and Hyde would develop an inferiority complex looking at the family. Her parents were part of the new urban-conservatives. While they could go to a co-ed school and even make friendships with boys without being frowned upon, any attempt of contact beyond campus was scrutinized. While they were free to go shopping in malls and buy anything that they wanted without worrying about the price, anything that was revealing or above the knee was met with glares right in the middle of the store. The girls were free to do whatever they wanted, but anytime before 7:30PM. Any use of alcohol or cigarettes was banned, but never brought up in conversation, because it was understood. The world outside the gate of their West Mambalam house thought of them as the idealistic family, something that Sudha, the perfect wife, the perfect mother, had taken a lot of effort to build, and the girls were expected to keep up, which is why when Anu, a distant cousin but close friend called her up and told her that her daughter had been caught kissing one of her colleagues during a team party, her entire world and everything she believed in came crumbling down. “How can she do this to me?” she thought.

Soon, the closest relatives got on to the buzz. Good old gossip material for some, actual cause of concern for few. “Divya, are you crazy? They flipped when I brought the topic of Gaurav up. You remember the madness. You even remember how she called him up and asked him to stay away from me. How did you even expect they would accept this?” Priya, the eldest of the siblings said. “She didn’t even give me a chance to speak. All she asked was if it was true” Divya said, crying again.

“And?”

“I asked her to let me explain. And all she said was ‘So it is true’. I said yes. And she slapped me and went on a tirade” Divya said, her voice sore. Her eyes were puffy, she had a running nose and her cheeks were flushed. Priya had gotten engaged to a family friend, someone the family had known for a while, after she opened up to them about wanting to marry her boyfriend from college. She received the same treatment, except she was stopped from going to work, asked to meet a prospective groom in a week, and engaged within the next two. She was also placed under disguised house arrest, where every single move of hers was tracked. She was to be monitored by a sibling or a cousin at all times, and she had to obey every single command from Sudha, only until the wedding, because after that, she’d be the perfect wife to her new perfect husband. That night, at dinner, Sudha, temper flaring, declared to her two other daughters, “You will not fall in love with anyone and have hopes. You understand? When time comes, we will choose whom you marry. Choosing a partner isn’t that easy, and I don’t want you too getting over-smart and flaunting…” she paused after she received a glare from her husband, who was silent through the entire ordeal. He didn’t appreciate such talk, but had also grown to know his wife more and didn’t want to become a victim of her temper. “Look at your sister. She was on the wrong path, we set her right and she’s happy. And she will be happier after getting married, because we know what is best for you people” she continued. Priya choked a little after hearing that. She was sickened by the pretense and she’d been questioning every fabric of her family life ever since she saw her parents’ color change after she opened up. Everyone in the room knew that she was being emotionally blackmailed into the marriage, yet nobody acknowledged it, or even recognized that it was emotional abuse. But Priya didn’t speak up. How could she? She was the eldest of the beautiful nest her mother had built. And how could she blame her parents? As per her mother’s words, weren’t they equal to god?

“Do not talk back to me. I am your mother. Look at everyone else your age, they worship their parents like they’re gods.”

“But amma, I had no other choice. It was raining, I didn’t have any change to spare and he said he would walk me home. He is my cousin after all, isn’t he?” Sudha protested. Slap!. “I said, don’t talk back.” her mother said, her jaws clenched. “Yes, he is your cousin. But how many people know that he is? To the strangers eyes, it definitely would have looked like you both were walking together. What will they say?! Did you even think about that?!” she yelled. “I’m sorry, Amma. will not happen again.” said Sudha, crying, head down, wiping her tears away. Logic and reasoning had no place there. “You will be the end of me, Sudha. I can feel it. God save my soul!” her mother cried out, and would go into the puja room and would wail, asking the gods to save her, her family and protect them from everyone that was going to talk about them. Sudha cried and cried until her mother was done, and as a last resort, fell at her feet in the puja room. It was her way of washing her sins away — and her sin, choosing to walk back home with her cousin brother. She decided she would watch every move of hers henceforth, and took certain decisions for herself. Later that night, she would retrieve a box she had under her bed. Letters, a single photograph that she kept secretly, broken bangles, and more memorabilia, that she’d promptly throw into a small fire she lit up in the veranda, and would wash away with her sins.

The hustle and bustle of the wedding preparations completely distracted the family from the issue. They were marrying their first daughter off and it was all that mattered. Divya put on a mask to cover up her emotional wounds, and they would be all smiles, posing for pictures, and subconsciously, the perfect family had the perfect routine to follow in front of family and friends. With one of her strongest support systems gone, Divya spent the next two years being clinically depressed, yet pulling herself together to graduate and then complete her Masters degree. Her mother gave her the silent treatment for the most part. And soon after she was done, she was handed the profile of Raghunandan, your stereotypical engineering and MBA graduate. “He works in the HR department. Great salary.” Sudha said, sternly. “You can sulk all you want, but keep that to yourself when his family is here next week… and don’t worry. He is a nice boy. You will be able to manage” she ended. Divya felt empty, but figured that it would be her way out of this madness. “Ma, Pa, I’ll meet him. But I’d also like to talk to him alone for a few minutes, if that is fine. Maybe if he’s nice, we won’t have to look around further, no?” she said. She knew it would get them. Her answer brought a wide smile to Sudha’s face. “Of course! when have we ever denied what’s best for you? I’m so glad you finally understand us!” she said, completely excited. Chandrashekar, on the other hand, looked happy. The man wasn’t too big on emoting. “In that case, we could even ask them to come this week, no?” he said. Sudha then warmed up to her daughter, showering all the love that she refused to give her in the previous two years. The family was riding on a series of fortunate events. Their clout among their peers leaping miles with each step. Until one day, a couple of years later, their second perfect daughter showed up announcing her divorce to her husband.

“Are you going crazy again, Divya? Is this what we brought you up and gave you everything for? Only for you to throw a perfectly good life away?!” Sudha yelled. “Is this about your husband? Did he do something? An affair? or did he raise his hands at you?” her husband added in. He spoke up rarely, but when he did, it meant the issue had to be something that was absolutely serious. “It should be him! How else could this go down? Bastard!” Sudha added, looking at her husband. Divya watched, calm and composed, as all of this went down. “Are you both done?” she asked. Her parents were stunned by the reaction. “It isn’t about him. Both of us want this, and he has been extremely supportive and I am grateful for that” she continued. “You both have lost it. Divorce isn’t something you can take so lightly. What will people think of us?” her father said, his tone showed his irritation towards the situation. “Appa. I don’t care anymore. I deserve to live my life and be happy on my own terms.” she said, still calmer than ever. This irritated Sudha further. She slowly started feeling her world close in, everything she had control over slipping away from her grip. Her first reflex was to try slapping Divya, but she dodged it by stepping away. Sudha’s breathing got heavy. “You’ve been whoring around, haven’t you? You’re a sick woman and I know it. You’re back to your old ways, right? Having affairs? Who is it, Revathy again?! That bitch!” Sudha yelled. Divya felt herself feeling a little uncomfortable at this, for her mother’s face turned vile during these situations and triggered a lot of unpleasant memories. But she stood her ground. “Two minutes ago you were blaming him, and now I am the sick woman? Do you realize at least now that maybe it’s not all black and white and that I am capable of taking my own decisions too?”

“You do not know what you are doing and you’re definitely going to regret this. It’s still not late. Call Raghu, call his parents, we will sort it out. You will leave this place only after that.”

“No.”

“What?”

“I just told you, Ma. I won’t. I am here to merely inform you about my divorce, not get permission for it. The papers have been filed.”

“Is this how you disrespect your parents?!” Sudha yelled again. “I am your mother!”

“No, what you are is a fucking leech that doesn’t have an identity of her own, so you latch on to us and attach your entire life’s meaning to who we are and what we do! Stop being proud of it, Ma. You’ve done more harm to me than good!” Divya yelled, in a fit of rage. She paused for the moment after saying it, because it was a lot ruder than she intended for it to be. But it was years of repressed pain and anger coming out. And she couldn’t take it back.

On the other hand, the parents were stunned. Not only did their daughter swear, but she swore at them. Sudha stood in front of her daughter, her mouth now agape from the shock. She couldn’t comprehend what was going on, and it hit her that one of her worst fears were coming true — her children turning against her. “Divya! You’ve crossed your limits. Apologize right now” Chandrashekar spoke up, and he helped his wife sit down next to him on the couch in their living room, where the entire argument had unfolded. “Pa, please. You are no better either. You had the chance to change things. To rationalize. To make things better around here. But did you? Stop pretending” Divya said, with that, Chandrashekar knew he had to put an end to it as well. “Okay, you want a divorce. Go, get a divorce. Nobody is stopping you. But you will not return to this house. The apartment you live in will be taken away as well. We will not apologize to Raghu or his parents, because we have no idea what the both of you are up to anyway. You are free to do whatever you want, since you’re so grown up now.” he said, in his authoritative, paternal tone. “Perfect, then it’s sorted” Divya replied, and left, which was another shock to the old couple. They expected that it would extend into a bigger fight where they would eventually have their way. They just sat in silence on the couch, in shock, without speaking a word to each other. It had just hit them that they had come a little too far and didn’t know if they could ever go back.

Sudha spent the rest of the day doing nothing, just walking around the house like a lifeless body. She locked herself up in her room in one instance, and wailed out loud. Chandrashekar, while concerned, did nothing. Sudha then frantically made calls to her two other daughters. Kavya, her youngest, didn’t pick her call. Priya picked up. She knew what went on at home, Divya had filled her in. She expected a long rant and slight manipulation. But none of that happened.

“How is your husband?” her mother asked.

“Yes, ma. We are fine. He is busy with work and so am I. It’s the usual routine” she replied. “Okay, I just wanted to ask you. Call your sisters sometime too… and maybe even visit them sometime.” Sudha said, her voice soft. Yes, and talk some sense into Divya. That girl is ruining her life without even realizing it and you need to help her, she expected her mother to say next, but Sudha said nothing. “Okay ma, I will do that. It’s been a while since I spoke to Kavya too. Is she doing well?” she asked. “I think so. She doesn’t stay in touch. Divya is getting a divorce” she said, breaking the news. “Oh. She did mention, and I don’t think there is anything to worry about. She recently got promoted and can actually take care of herself.” Priya replied, calmly. “Oh, I didn’t know about the promotion..” Sudha said. Priya was still on guard, waiting for a rant. “If that is the case, then fine.. just help her out when she needs it. Okay?” she said, much to Priya’s surprise. “For sure, Amma. And, you don’t have to worry. Raghu and Divya are still good friends. They just realized that they wouldn’t be happy if they continued with the marriage, and chose to split up” she reassured. “Okay” Sudha said. She didn’t understand, but what else could she say. “I need to go take care of something, Priya. I’ll call you again in a while” Sudha said. “Okay ma, I’ll see you soon, too” Priya replied, still surprised at the nature of the call. “Priya?” Sudha said, before her daughter could hang up. “Yes, ma?” she replied. “Are you happy?” she asked, for the first time in years.

“Sudha is very happy” gleamed Kaveri, Sudha’s mother, when relatives had come visiting for Diwali. She listened to it as she was serving them snacks and tea, for guests were god in the household. She smiled while doing it, for her husband was seated there as well. They were wedded recently and he had already shifted to a better job at a bigger company. Her mother-in-law took on the role of her mother in her new household, and she’d been warned about it already. Her husband was a silent man, and wouldn’t defend her in front of his mother. She was miserable at times. But to the outside world, to the relatives, to the colleagues and the friends and the well-wishers, Sudha was gifted. No one asked if she was happy, they just assumed she was. Why wouldn’t she be? And when she did try breaking it to her mother that she wasn’t exactly happy, she was shot down. “Don’t shame us” her mom said again. The marriage was hurried, because paranoia stuck Kaveri after her daughter had walked in public with her cousin. She assumed her daughter was in love with someone and urged her husband in her usual passive aggressive way to get her married soon. And the wedding was forced upon her soon. Sudha knew that she didn’t have a choice, and she chose to find her own happiness in the situation that she was in, for her mother. Sudha was indeed in love, and her mother’s assumption was true. But she did nothing about it, because she knew she didn’t have the power to do anything. She adapted, as she always had, spent the rest of her life adapting to situations until she had control of her perfect life, which only lead her to damage her relationship with her children.

Out of all her three daughters, Divya reminded Sudha the most about herself. This automatically made her a little biased towards the middle child. She was a little more cautious about her. She was a little more generous towards her, to make sure she excelled and kept her name up. But through all this, she failed to recognize that Divya wasn’t a reflection.Her past came haunting her when she realized that her daughter had grown up and was capable of making her own decisions, Sudha resorted to treating her daughter the same way she was treated by her mother, and she started regretting it. She was finding it hard to make peace with the situation. “Maybe she will lead the life I never had”, she said to herself. After her husband fell asleep, Sudha made her way to the old teak closet, which they had preserved and carried along wherever they went. She opened it up to find some of her treasured memories with her children — photographs, drawings, trophies. She went through everything, to remind herself that there is a chance for things to be okay again. She then opened up a secret, locked drawer within the closet. She pulled out memories of her own life before her marriage. She felt a stab in her heart when she saw a portrait of her mother. She placed it by the side, and took out a small box. The box held a lot of her painful memories. Her secrets. From the box, she retrieved a half-burnt picture from her college days. Something she put in the fire years ago, but didn’t have the heart to let go. It was the only memory she had of the one person she loved with all her heart. The picture was burnt till the point where the face of her companion wasn’t visible. She cried again, looking at it, placing it on top of the portrait of her mother. Seen in the picture were a young, timid Sudha, and her college mate, Radha. She hadn’t seen her in a very long time, and the memories of her would come back to haunt her a lot, including that night. With that, she made peace with the fact that her daughter would at least lead an honest life henceforth, with no facades and no regrets. She gathered herself up, and locked away the pictures again, with other parts of her that she never got to explore, in the old, teak closet.