Let the action arise from stillness
21st September 2024 marked the day when I realized that I had exactly 6 months before I turned 40. 40 seems like a big deal for most people, but for me, as an individual, any upcoming birthday sends me into a tizzy. I have lists of things I’d like to achieve — that seem really great on paper, but don’t align with my life goals anymore. But when I think about my life goals, I’m met with a certain degree of confusion there too — because things that were important for years, don’t feel that important anymore, but I’m still emotionally attached to the person I was then (or at least thought I wanted to be then).
Anyhow, a chance conversation with a friend led to 40 before 40 lists. I got excited as I always do. But I also had a moment of great clarity over the coffee that we were sipping in Starbucks. I’m sick of making lists that mean nothing to me anymore. I’m also sick of barely getting anything ticked off on the lists that I so enthusiastically make. I’m also sick of the fact that the core theme of my lists hasn’t changed in nearly 4 decades: I want to be healthier, more mindful, become a calm individual, become great with multiple languages, perfect a dance form, and write a book. I’ve done neither of those things to perfection or even with any degree of consistency. Basically, I’m sick of this version of myself that’s not doing anything to actually improve — even after having a baby! My writing practice is non-existent, I’ve stopped dancing, this is the worst shape (health-wise) that my body and mind have been in ever, I have stopped learning anything new except for what my job demands — forget languages, and I’m an emotional and spiritual mess!
So, I’ve decided to pause this time (while starting an 8k steps a day practice), and go deep within. Despite reading what feels like zillions of books on mindfulness and spirituality, having a guru, and indulging in very inspirational YouTube videos, the one thing I’ve not managed to do, is sit down, and calm my monkey mind. I would love for the universe to truly guide me instead of sending out lists to the cosmos that are half baked at best!
This morning, on a very painful project call, one of the leaders said that repeating the same thing and expecting different results is madness, and I couldn’t agree more. So, I intend to practice what I’ve so passionately followed for at least the last 25 years of my existence in this lifetime, and start a meditation practice. No excuses. I will still my mind, till the action arises from the universe itself.
The universe used to speak to me as a child, when I wasn’t half as distracted. I intend to relive those #MagickalMoments as I embark on the 5th decade of my life very soon!
