How I Became a Japanese Mail Order Bride: My Life Story

Have you ever felt like you were born in the wrong country? I’ve been feeling it since childhood. And it’s not like all those girls who see beautiful pictures on Instagram and dream about living there or those who want to go to a rich country to earn more. My country is rich, beautiful, and developed.

I’m from Japan, and I left the country in 2020. Here, I’ll tell you the whole story.

• The process of finding a dating site is time-consuming. I had to read tens of reviews and double-check the information to finally find SakuraDate, but you don’t waste time when you read the reviews — you invest it.
• Last-minute flights are ridiculously expensive. Book a flight in advance, if it’s possible.
• The best things in life are for free, but when it comes to dating websites, it’s actually quite the opposite: free ones are never good enough.
• If someone on a dating site asks you for money or wants to get your credit card number, it’s a 1000% scam.
• Stereotypes will not help you attract a foreign girl. She’s a person, not a representative of a group of all foreign women

My story — from 1998 to 2023

It wasn’t that interesting from 1998 to 2020, you know. My name is Ema, or Emma if you wish. I’m 25 years old, and I was born in Sapporo. I finished high school in Sapporo in 2015, and the same year, I enrolled in Hokkaido University (Animal Ecology). In 2020, I got my degree and started working as a veterinary assistant. In 2021, I met Aaron, a fun and interesting man from Seattle. A year later, we got married, and I moved to the United States.

Before 2020: Why I didn’t like Japan

When a foreigner thinks of my country, they think of, you know, bullet trains, Blade Runner-like cities, weird vending machines, Sakura, and Fuji. They don’t think of Karoshi (overwork death) and Hikikomori (depressive social withdrawal). It’s all rooted in our work culture.

“Living to work, not working to live”

is a part of the system in Japan, and fitting into that system was just not what I wanted. Honestly, even thinking about that toxic work culture gives me slight PTSD; you can google it and read about it, and you’ll get it. But it’s not only about the work culture but also about the society — and I mean, interpersonal relationships.

There’s a huge problem with it. The number of marriages and marriage rate is constantly declining, the number of those who don’t want to marry is increasing, and it’s becoming harder and harder to find a romantic partner who would be interested in a serious relationship here.

When it comes to guys in their 20s, for me, it looks like there are only two options: either those who are only interested in “casual” relationships or those who plan to delay marriage until their 40s or 50s.

Some of them say, “I want to build financial stability and status before marriage,” and I can totally understand that, but the problem is that with today’s situation, that moment will never come. A small apartment may cost up to $800,000, and I’m not even talking about rich neighborhoods in Tokyo!

I understand this issue isn’t limited to my country, of course, but we are in the most advanced phase of population shrinking and low birth rates. Maybe the US will be there in 40 or 50 years, but we are already there, and building a family in such an environment is, well, let’s say, it’s difficult.

This system is stacked against youth, against making children, and against building a strong family. That’s how it’s been working here for at least 50 years, and even though they’re going to fix the problem now, I think it’s too late.

I focused too much on our conditions of work, and this might look a bit strange — like it’s the biggest problem we have in Japan.

Well, it is.

It’s all intertwined, and everything is connected to everything else, but it’s the crazy work culture that contributes most to the mess we are in. Young men don’t want to have a family because they get stressed in their offices, and single men in their 40s have even less free time because they don’t just have to work but also to drink with their coworkers (that’s what we call nomikai) after work hours.

Anyway, I lived with all those thoughts for a long time, and I would probably never become brave enough to break out of this system. It was COVID that changed everything for me.

2020: How I started my online dating journey

So when the virus hit Hokkaido, everyone was afraid of the collapse of the medical system here, so they closed everything. In 2021, the emergency state was expanded, and that’s when people got crazy — you know, we are used to masks, and we were ok with the lockdowns, but this was just too much.

No protests, nothing like that, we just had literally nothing to do at home anymore. I finished all the games I could afford, I read all the books, and I couldn’t even look at LoL and Overwatch anymore. There were two good things during that lockdown: first, I upgraded my English skills, and second, I started using international dating sites.

No, I didn’t want to become a Japanese mail order girlfriend. All I wanted to do was just find new friends and chat with people from other countries. I told you I had problems with my country and Japanese men for a long time, so I had been thinking about chatting with foreigners even before I found that dating app.

So, I signed up on some dating site, uploaded some photos, and started sending messages to men I liked.

That’s how I got banned. I don’t know what was wrong. Maybe the moderators thought that if a girl texts a man first, she’s probably a scammer. Anyway, I was hooked, and that was probably the time when I realized that I was going to become a “mail order bride”, as they call it. Or at least a “mail order girlfriend”.

So I found another dating site and a chat room and started talking to Americans there. Some of them had VERY serious intentions and wanted to marry me right off the bat; some sent, you know, pictures of themselves; others were nice and interesting people, but it just didn’t click.

Until I met Aaron.

2021: Meeting Aaron

It’s not like he was interested in finding a wife in Japan, as far as I know. In 2021, they had very serious restrictions in Seattle — bowling centers, movie theaters, gyms, food courts, everything was closed, and he just wanted to try something new.

We met on SakuraDate, it was the third or the fourth dating site I tried, and I thought it would never work, to be fair. It was also the first website I found using, you know, my head and not just clicking on the very first Google Search Result.

Lesson 1: The process of finding a dating site is time-consuming. I had to read tens of reviews and double-check the information to finally find SakuraDate, but you don’t waste time when you read the reviews — you invest it.

You know, with Aaron, it was different; it wasn’t just chatting — there was a spark. He was 35 in 2021, and I was 23, but it’s not like this age gap was too large for me. It’s not what you people call a May-December romance, it’s more like May-June, I think.

So, I’m a 23-year-old Japanese girl interested in animals, ecology, and American culture, and he is a 35-year-old medical sales representative from Seattle interested in cooking, reading, and camping.

I still don’t realize how it worked out, to be fair. We just talked about all those COVID restrictions; he sent me a meme about social distancing and… I just realized that he probably spent a few dollars to send me a funny picture. Wow. But, never mind. We talked about everything, from the weather to the deer he met while camping. You know, the conversation was flowing, and we always had something interesting to talk about. But there was always a spark, I don’t know how to explain it, but we both knew it was going to be something more than just an online relationship.

In December 2021, we met and had a real romantic date in Tokyo. 3 months later, we met again — that’s when he proposed to me.

2022: Moving to the US

Yes, it was that fast. I knew SakuraDate was for those with serious intentions, but I didn’t know his intentions were that serious, to be honest. But I said “yes,” of course.

Thankfully, in 2022, all the COVID restrictions were lifted. I heard about people who had to wait for 1.5 years to get a visa to the US, and that’s what I was afraid of, but it worked out great, and we only had to wait for 7 months. In September 2022, I finally got my K-1 visa. I booked a flight right after they stamped the visa in my passport, and 2 days and 17 hours later, I landed in Seattle-Tacoma. We married.

Lesson 2: Last-minute flights are ridiculously expensive. Book a flight in advance, if it’s possible.

I moved to his home in Montlake. It’s a perfect place to go for a walk, and that’s what I love about it. I know a lot of American cities are not pedestrian-friendly, but Seattle and this neighborhood, Montlake, reminds me of Sapporo with all those sidewalks, walkways, and parks. Seattle is also chilly in summer and cold in winter (but not like that cold), so it’s pretty much similar to Sapporo in this regard, too. Oh, and as for that work culture thing I mentioned before, well, here’s one example that says it all: in Seattle, I leave the office before 5 p.m. I could only dream about it in Japan.

So I live in a cozy home with the best man in the world, I have a great job, and the city I live in is just awesome. I don’t know if you could find someone happier, really.

But there were some problems, too.

Problems with dating sites

First of all, it’s bad dating sites that can ruin everything. The ones with fake accounts, the ones full of scammers, the ones without any real users, you know what I’m talking about. All the poor-quality dating websites I used were 100% free, so maybe there is a correlation.

Lesson 3: The best things in life are for free, but when it comes to dating websites, it’s actually quite the opposite: free ones are never good enough.

Second, it’s people. Some of them googled something like “buy Japanese wife” (seriously?), paid $20 or $50 for a monthly subscription, and decided that all the girls on that site are theirs now.

Some thought Japanese women were shy and obedient… That’s a direct quotation — a guy once told me, “I love that you Asians all are shy and obedient.” I didn’t even know how to respond, so I just blocked him. The others were happy to send all those NSFW pictures, and I can’t say I shared their joy.

And third, it’s scammers. The better the site you’re using, the lesser the chance of meeting a scammer, but you should be aware that the number of scammers on that very dating site you’re using is always larger than 0. Be careful! I almost got into one of those traps, but then I realized that sharing my credit card information is a bit too much.

Lesson 4: If someone on a dating site asks you for money or wants to get your credit card number, it’s a 1000% scam.

Stereotypes

Stereotypes are offensive, well, most of them are (the ones about smart and successful Japanese are not that offensive, to be fair). However, I can’t say I heard a lot of them.

In fact, I only met 1 guy, Aaron’s friend, who said something like, “So you know Yakuza, right?” during a house party, and it was so fun. The whole room went silent, and all the other people looked at him like, “What are you even talking about?” His face got more red than a Chinese flag in 2 seconds!

But that guy apologized right after, and other than that, I had no problems with stereotypes in the United States. Honestly, I think Aaron might have certain problems with other people because, you know, some idiots think that you can only want to find a Japanese wife if you can’t attract a girl in your country. That’s not true, of course. For some countries, maybe, but definitely not for Japan.

Lesson 5: Stereotypes will not help you attract a foreign girl. She’s a person, not a representative of a group of all foreign women.

2023: Happy life with Aaron and becoming an expert

We’ve been living together for 1 year, and every single day, I find another reason to love him. Aaron says that a few years ago, an American girl dumped him because, as she said, he was “over-protective” and because she felt “bored.” Well, it seems American women don’t understand how happy they are to have such men around them!

A Japanese woman would never tell you she’s “bored” because you’re “overprotective” — they will enjoy every moment with you. And Japanese women know it. I still communicate with some girls on a private Japanese bride forum, and it seems to me the number of Japanese girls interested in dating an American man is increasing constantly. Well, it’s no surprise to me.

So, a few months ago, I realized I’m not only a successful Japanese mail order wife but also someone who can help other women and men. I met a few scammers, tried 4 dating sites, and finally realized how to choose a good one — I believe that’s an experience worth sharing with other people. I know the difference between good and bad dating apps, how to save money while traveling to the US and other countries, what to do to attract a girl from Japan… And that’s not all.

I mean, many women in my country want to find a foreign husband, and I can show them how to do everything right, so why not? If I can help one girl who wants to become a real Japanese mail order bride or one guy who’s looking for a Japanese wife, everything will have been worth it.