#CanConfirm: 10/26/22

Investment proprieties are so easy lol, Mac’s playbook is def worse and the nba wants to expand

Our buddy Tobin sells season ticket packages for the Pats down at Gillette. He’s definitely someone you’d consider to be “in the know”. Every week he’ll have a guest column entitled #CanConfirm in which he’ll share the latest rumors and gossip from around the world of sports.

Investments are easy but Joshua Tree is struggling to make me a billionaire at the moment? Confirmed.

I am hearing from boots on the ground (my doc martins that I wear with joggers and a bomber jacket that looks cool with my thin, effeminate mustache) in Joshua Tree that air bnb STRs (short term rentals you wouldn’t understand lol it’s a business and a way of life haha) are struggling to get off the ground. Too many rentals and not enough people looking to take psychedelics and stumble over a cactus while thinking that Jesus may actually have been a 9-foot-tall Marxist robot from Venus. Tough break! I recently bought a 4-bedroom condo in Johsua Tree and its only had one rental weekend a lovely couple from New Bedford, Massachusetts who was looking to get away from their 3 year old son for a bit so they came out here with a suitcase full of devils lettuce and wrote a novel that read more like a manifesto IT was called “In Time It’ll Occur” and it was emailed to me at 3 in the morning.

I am currently charging the monetized value of $1,250 a night and a $900 cleaning fee because this is a business not a hobby and the house should be seen as a market rarity and not the norm. There is an above-ground swimming pool that smells fine I don’t know why the reviews say otherwise no one “left a colostomy bag in there and caused a bacterial outbreak” it was probably just an adverse effect of climate change like that hurricane that forced Chris Christie take all that money from Obama and give him a big ole smooch.

I am very active in my search for more investment properties but interest rates are so high tha t I will not be able to maxzimize my ROI (return on investment dummy lol imagine being as dumb as you and not good at investing like my sources which in this case is me). I am browsing for rental properties in san diego which is where the Ships are and theres nice beaches and golf courses my property will be upgraded to have wonderful and unique amenities such as a toilet with two flushing handles and a guatemalan family that lives in the garage and gets paid $45 a day to clean the place while I still charge you a $1.5 million dollar cleaning fee.

Bailey Zapp playbooks better than McCorkle Jones?? Confirmed

Whoa more drama out of New England as it appears according to my sources inside Gillette that Bailey Zapp’s playbook and playcalls are “better” than MacJones playbook and play calls. My source tells me that Matt Patricia and Joe Judge bully the second-year quarterback from Alabama and crumple up the playsheets he wants to use and throw them at him and say things like “You went ot Alabama you probably cant even read” and “theres a harry potter themed Christmas party this year and youre not invited because you probably cant even read” and “bailey is so much cooler than you he can ride a skateboard and we love skateboards and being able to ride skateboard requires literacy skills which are absent from your intellectual repertoire ” and then joe judge does a kick flip and Mac cries.

I guess this all stems from training camp when one day Mac went up to Patricia and Judge and said “can we run the good plays you’ve had bailey and that bag of dust brian run” and they said “lol you are so lame dude” and then Mac was like “trade me now I am feeling frustrated every play you give me is a play where receivers don’t get open on purpose” and they said “yeah and?” and everyone was like “whoa”.

I don’t know how this relationship repairs itself I heard Mac was looking at condos in Tampa Bay for next year to replace Tom Brady when he leaves for San Francisco so he can get further away from his family.

NBA wants to expand to Seattle and Las Vegas? Confirmed.

I have a gmabling connecting in Vegas his name is Randall Bones and he told me last night at the craps table that NBA commissioner Adam “the commissioner man” Silver is holding a meeting with representatives from the cities of Las Vegas, Nevada and Seattle to discuss expanding the NBA to 32 teams which is 2 more than the 30 the league currently has.

LeBron James (good player and good at drawing bart simpson the cartoon boy) has already said he wants to own the vegas team and the league is working out a way to make him an owner-player and get his son Bronny “Lebron Jr” James Jr and the other kid whos younger to play for the team with their dad. Itll be cute. Vegas is either going to be named the Vegas BRONcos with a centaur mascot that looks like LeBron or the Las Vegas Motels with a mascot that’s just some dude in grease-stained jeans and a white t-shirt holding a neon sign that says “VACANCY”. Seattle wants to go back to the supersonics moniker but one of their old season ticket holders “Gregg IV” and his son “Gregg V” own the rights to the logo Idk why they sold it to them for only $400. So their current top choices are Seattle National Basketball Association Western Conference Organization or Seattle Ominous Mountain.

If for some reason either city doesn’t pony up the required cash they looked at putting a third team in Los Angeles just so the Kings can finally win games against teams in their own state.