Lunch Dump: October 4, 2022
The Italian Stallion Is Back, Baby!
Have you ever heard of NewsNation? Me neither. But that didn’t stop hunk of monk, Chris Cuomo, from returning to the screen and reading from a prompter. The disgraced CNN anchor, and brother to noted pervert Andrew Cuomo (RIP SEX QUEEN!) is, after nearly a year behind invisible bars, BACK.
Look at those muscles, and that god damn hair. You’d never guess this is a man who tried to help his brother evade sexual harassment charges. This is someone you’d meet in Albany, and who’d try to sell you a used Ford Mustang that’s “dodged a couple big ones and come away with just a few scratches.” You’d start cruising to Glens Falls, and boy does the engine purr on this puppy, but you can’t help wonder if there’s a sound of metal dragging on the asphalt below. “No, no, no” he’d whisper, “that’s just American engineering at work.”
Finally, the nation can begin to heal.
MacInnis Signs in Mannheim
Ryan MacInnis, son of legendary St. Louis Blues and Calgary Flames blueliner Al MacInnis, inked a deal with Adler Mannheim in Germany. MacInnis — or so it was reported — originally signed on with Amur Khabarovsk of the primarily-Russian KHL for 2022–2023. Perhaps he recently learned of that whole Russia-Ukraine thing, or decided Oktoberfest looked pretty sick. Either way, the 26-year-old with 299 AHL and 27 NHL contests under his belt heads to Germany’s 21st largest city to do some ice sport.
Clearance Drip of the Day
You know how men turn 45 and suddenly love the idea of commemorative coins? Well if this sounds like you or someone you know, and that person really likes Albert Pujols, has Lids got a deal for you!
It’s only $40! Most commemorative scam coins — I mean collectors items — go for at least $10 more.
But hey, maybe you want something more than a coin today. Something bigger. Something bright orange with cartoon teeth and a painted on helmet. Does the idea of spending 20 minutes inflating something for your front yard sound appealing? Good. Lids has you covered. Again.
Nothing says Wisconsin like shit littered throughout your yard. But this isn’t ordinary shit — this is a Green Bay Packers inflatable pumpkin that has the sort of adoring, “eh, I guess they’re going through something, maybe we should call?” energy that makes most of Wisconsin so fun! Halloween? Thanksgiving? Christmas? The seven days for Jewish people? This pumpkin is super inclusive and lets everyone know you’ve throw a clicker at the TV when Mason Crosby’s dinged one off the iron!