Free Food
If you did not know already, Hmong funerals are great places for free food. You can even pack it home if you want! If you are Hmong, no one bothers to ask if you knew the deceased nor if you are related to the family. If you look Hmong, people just assume you are related.
When I moved in my new place by myself, I lived near a Hmong funeral home. I went to this particular funeral home every weekend since I moved here.
I went there just to eat, and no one has ever bothered me about it. I tried to play cards though I never seem to win and all you can drink beer was nice too. I usually waited until people were asleep at night before I pigged out on food since I didn’t like to be asked questions. Sometimes I would see someone I thought I knew and try to talk to them, but it always ends up being someone else and I apologize really quickly since they just kind of ignore me when I call them by the wrong name.
It was fine until a week ago when I saw it. A ghost. I swear I was the only one to see it. It was the ghost of the person who passed away. An old lady. At first, I thought she was one of the guests but after a while, you start to notice something strange about them. How you spot a ghost at a funeral is that they, for some odd reason, will stand at the casket and stare at their own body for long periods of time. That was how I knew. She was just standing there, almost like she could not believe it herself. She just looked really sad.
Later, when it was time to eat, she ate with us too. While everyone was eating with spoons and forks, she was eating everything with her hands. That was another reason I knew. I guess being dead makes you really hungry. She would stuff pieces of meat and rice into her mouth, with bits and pieces falling out and not care. It was almost animalistic and carnal.
I must have looked at her too long because she must have noticed and she turned to look at me… right at me and her eyes were black! I froze and the first minute I was able, I got up and walked out of the funeral place and went home. I felt her staring at me the whole time until I walked completely out of that place. It still makes me feel creepy when I think about it.
However, I went back the next day and her casket and her body were gone. I checked around the building a few times and I guess her ghost must have left with her. Most of the people were gone too so I guess it was burial day-only just a handful of people left cleaning or hanging out. There was still lots of food left over so I helped myself. It might sound strange but I love funeral food.
I have usually been good at avoiding people and kept a low profile until this week when one of the people who worked at the funeral home saw me. I think he knew I did not belong there and came up to me and asked me to leave. I laughed because I thought this man was sort of a weirdo, but since he worked there, I had no choice but to leave. I mean what kind of security guard walks around with a crossbow and a chicken?
Luckily, there was still some fresh cow hoofs in the trash out back so I knew he wouldn’t bother back there. Nothing beats beef, killed fresh that day. I don’t care if I make a mess. It’s so good.
Anyways, I went home after that, which is really close, almost next door. I walked over to my tombstone and sat down. I still had a cow hoof with me so it wasn’t a total loss. I wish my family would come to see me more often. They usually only come on my birthday and sometimes on Christmas. I just sit here all day, hoping that someone would come visit me, just waiting for the weekend for another free meal.
