Hmong American Dream
For as long as I can remember, Hmong means “free.” This definition was given to this word to describe our perennial resilience and plight to gain autonomy. Whether there is any validity to this claim or not, it helped give me a sense of pride in my community. It opened the door for me to begin my search for where we came from and where we can go from here.
But to go there — to go back to our past — I must also understand where here is. And to me, here is America. America is thought of as the land of the free and the home of the brave. Home of the American Dream. And to us, the Hmong American Dream. Thus, this must be the place we’ve yearned for so we can live freely with our autonomy. The autonomy our people have long searched for, an autonomy we’ve fought for — one we’ve died for. Except, there is still more to the story. We are here, but we don’t feel free. We don’t feel like we belong.
Kuv naam hab kuv iv (mom and dad), we know that we are just menyuam hmoob mekas (a Hmong American kid) and it may seem like we don’t know a lot of things. And it’s true. But, that’s because we are trying to make sense of what we are told. The pressures of society tells us one thing while you tell us another. Hence, we are struggling. We are struggling to fit in and stand out. We are struggling to understand your journey and how it connects to ours.
And…there never seems to be a right time to talk. So, we figure now would be a better time than never. Here is our open letter…
Kuv naam hab kuv iv,
Ua tsaug (thank you) for everything you do. We know that you love us. And we love you too. But, we hope we can start a conversation.
You see, to achieve the Hmong American Dream, we are told to “ua ib tug neeg txim txiaj (be an upstanding citizen).”
“Date. Settle down. Have a couple kids. At the very least — ib tug tub (a son).”
“Be an active Hmong community volunteer who can speak Hmong fluently and also carry on Hmoob kev lis kev cai (Hmong culture & customs).”
“Spend weekends at familial events.”
“Secure a safe and stable 9–5 job. Buy a big house. But, not just any big house. A big, new house. In the suburbs. A white picket fence. Two car garage. Brand new cars right off the lot: one a truck and the other — a small, luxury car.”
“Get big TVs — one in every room. Buy the newest iPhones for the family. Save PTO for the occasional vacations. And, don’t forget the benefits to retire by 65.”
In exchange, as menyuam hmoob mekas we…
Pick a path. When in doubt, we pick one that will bring you great honor. We try to ua ib tug neeg txim txiaj because any discourse is not up for debate. We try to speak to you, but we aren’t fluent in Hmong. So, we get made fun of. We try to find a partner and make sure they come from a good family. But we also are told to settle down in our early 20s. Hence, Hmong daughters should get married sooner rather than later or else be labeled “nkauj laus” (older woman). We can consider marrying our aunt’s son i.e., first cousin; but, don’t we dare date someone who bears the same surname.
If marriage isn’t going so great, us, your own Hmong daughters, can’t come back home to you; we’re not your “people” anymore. We figure out college on our own. Take on debt. Oh, and for our Hmong brothers, they can’t forget about filial piety; you are their priority — even above themselves and their mental health. We all volunteer in our Hmong community and show up to support every single hu plig, khi tes, and familial event. We all want to learn more about you and our keeb kwm (history) but for those of us who don’t already know Hmoob kev lis kev cai, we don’t get to participate and instead we get passed up on the opportunities that would allow us to learn.
We need to build our life, every day. But, we also need to live our life to bring you honor. Hence, we prioritize weekend familial events at the cousins. We make arbitrary goals to climb a socially constructed ladder. Our nose to the grindstone. The rat race. The rush hour traffic. The late nights at work. All this just to sit in the corner office to wait for the much anticipated lunch break.
We take on a mortgage to buy a new house. We open a new credit card. Refinance. Buy a new truck. We end up “…buy[ing] things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like.” The growing, unyielding emptiness.
And when we’re dealing with a midlife crisis? We don’t speak about it. Maybe we have depression? There’s no such thing. If there is discontent within the family? We sweep it under the rug.
We wake up on Monday. Clock in. Start again.
Kuv naam hab kuv iv, we know you love us. But, we are struggling to see that there is more to life than this. If this is the reality of the Hmong American Dream, we ask you to help us reshape it.
We aren’t the standard tub/ntxhais txim txiaj? Spend time with us.
We don’t know kev lis kev cai? Teach us.
We have dreams and aspirations? Support us.
We haven’t settled down, yet? Talk to us.
We want to embark on a different route? Brainstorm with us.
We returned from a bad marriage? Accept us.
We go about things in an unconventional way? Adapt with us.
You love us? Show us, even if you are shy. We are shy too, but time is not waiting for us.
So while we are still navigating these two worlds, be patient with us. We are still healing from the intergenerational trauma. We are still connecting to our roots to see which gaps we can fill. If Hmong ever truly meant “free,” we ask you to reach back and help us rise above so our whole community can truly soar.
Sincerely,
Koj tug ntxhais hmoob mekas/tub hmoob mekas/menyuam hmoob mekas
(your Hmong American daughter/Hmong American son/Hmong American child)
