“Our Old Clips”: To the Girl That I Married (But Didn’t) — September Love Letters
With the most insincere laugh she chuckled,”What are you doing?”
“I’m recording this moment. One day when we’re fifty, I want to remember these moments.” I proudly stated setting up the camera.
“You’re so silly! Come on, sit with me. Let’s watch the waves. I love you.”
“I love you too, so much.”
I don’t think I fully comprehended these intimate moments of our connection at the time. I remember that day I started recording our moments and the ocean waves that were rather relaxed on the California coast. The color of the scenery around us was a pale blue aura and it was reflected on the sand, only seen in romance movies. To date, it still has been one of my favorite beaches though I was rather unwilling to walk around at the time. Perhaps, because ingrained in my head is the memory of a happier moment between you and I.
We had so many moments together that I seldom don’t recall. At least not until I think back to the things I’ve felt — the way I felt about you. In this, I have determined that the heart is a stronger source in remembering things than the brain. In so, humans are rather more sentimental than intelligent. I think the best thing is that at least those moments are not alone, but shared. That I can acknowledge that it was an experience I felt with someone, even if you may not have felt the same. I remember that night when we sat at the rooftop bar overlooking Los Angeles; the camera capturing a glittering backdrop of the city lights. We were dozens of stories up, we were at the top of the world. The cars that were below, do you think they could see and feel the things we did in that moment?
I know that we’ve come a long way. Even if that is a long ways from each other. I mean, we were only out of high school when we met. We’d only known each other growing up in a world away from everyone else; a world we made our own. Perhaps, this is what blinded me into the conditions of pouring my entirety for you. I seldom don’t regret the time I’ve shared with you; only my inability to becoming a better person when we tried to share our misfortunes.
I think we knew there wasn’t a future for us. We are like the cruise that cold night in San Francisco. We sat on our own small table in the chambers of the small ship laughing at how cheesy we seemed. I remember feasting on the sandwich buffet in our corner where we obtained our discount seats. The performer, with his acoustic guitar, played somberly in the center; announcing the tragedies soon to come in the room. Though we didn’t have much, we knew these moments could not have a price put on them. When we went on deck, the rain was sprinkling as if weeping for the happiness we shared momentarily; though our story was unraveling to be one of despair. You danced around the deck with the rain hiding your tears, while I smiled at your ingenuity to show me your emotions. Perhaps, we knew we were sharing the last moments we would have of this unfortunate story. Our future… It was those lights… Those lights that reflected our future. The lights on the Bay Bridge at night shined beautifully, as if we had hope. That hope would only be so bleak as the ship cruised past and they were without reach of our hands, our will. The night sky was reflective of the mystery that surrounds our future, though it made the lights much brighter for us at this point with you.
There are many old clips that I’ve erased from my computer and I’ve also learned to erase them from my head. In my heart though, I do remember every moment in those years we spent together, childishly; as a hard drive that stands the test of time. So to what happened between us, I have learned to forgive you. More importantly, I have learned to forgive me. I understand the nature of love is not what I am willing to expect, but what I am willing to give. I forgive you for what you’ve done to my innocence that infiltrates my love of life. I just hope you have learned to grow for your health and learned to love in a way that promotes your passion for life that I once forgot. I thank you for teaching me about that passion. I have now found the true beauty of living for myself and have also learned to live for others.
Always,
An Old Friend
“We fight so much. What if we’re not meant to be together?” She muttered under her breath.
I hastily replied,” You shouldn’t say that. We will do what we can to move forward. We just need some time.”
“I don’t know… I don’t think I feel the same about you anymore…”, she said.
Sigh. “I know… Too much has happened. I can’t get over it either.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll always love you.” she told me.
“I know, I’m sorry too. Be good, ok?” I requested as I laid my head down on her lap one last time.
