TW/CW: rape, sexual assault
The Ghost of Your Love Haunts Me
You sit next to me on the couch, harmlessly. No one is home except you and me. The white walls around us seem to close in, trapping me like an animal. I start to feel uncomfortable, but I smile at you, unsure of what to do. Suddenly, the couch we’re sitting on shrinks and I feel a heaviness on top of me. Your body topples mine, your eyes undressing me with every blink. I squirm and fight, begging you to stop. You don’t hear me. No, you do, but you ignore my pleas. I feel your cold-pressed hands aggressively exploring my body. With every touch you break my will, my power, and my autonomy. I cry, but you insist. I close my eyes, shielding myself inside the darkness of my mind. I let you have your way because the quicker it’s done the less I have to endure.
I open my eyes and suddenly I’m running. The blood courses through my flushed face as the cool wind whistles past my ears. I look behind and find you chasing me, like a deadly game of tag. The two-lane road ahead of me stretches for miles on miles, creating a divide between the yellow fields of wheat and grass surrounding us. Not one cow in sight, not a tree, a fence, nor a crow. The gray sky grows darker, spreading its omen upon me. I look back again and see you in your silver car this time. You catch up to me and jump out, throwing your arms around me enclosing me in a tight grasp. Struggling, I scream for you to let go. You drag me back to your car throwing me into the passenger side. You tie my wrists with ropes in front of me, making sure this time I can’t get away. Closing the door, you frolic to the other side.
Somebody help me! Anybody! You get in, hands on the wheel, foot on the gas pedal, going forth to your destination and my doom. Smiling, you look at me as if you’ve finally captured your prey. I cry for I know I’ll never get to see my family again. My tears drip onto the Hmong clothes I’m unexpectedly wearing. I don’t want to get married. Burrowing my face into the depths of my palms, I scream for freedom. When I raise my face again, I’m standing all alone. No, there’s people surrounding me. The building is enclosed with the aroma of fresh baked pizza, golden brown pretzels, the crispness of cinnamon rolls. I can hear the tunes of music running throughout the glass-structured building. I’m in a mall.
I hear your voice behind me, calling out my name. As soon as I turn and see your obsessed face, a blast of cold adrenaline shoots throughout my body, freezing me in place. Not again. You give chase and I dash for my life. Running and running and running, the mall seems to be a cylindrical layer of never-ending floors. Hide, I need to hide! The only thing I can smell now is my fear. The sweat secretes from the pores of my face as I push through the crowd, trying to hide between the faceless people as I make my escape. My pace gets heavier and heavier, the distance between us, smaller and closer. Why can’t I run faster? Why isn’t my body moving? HurryHurryHurry!
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP! I’m startled awake. It was all just a dream. I press the button on my phone, shutting off the alarm and lay back in bed. I curl up beneath the comfort of my blanket, catching all my thoughts. It hadn’t been long since I’ve last dreamt of you and when I do it’s never good. It’s been two years; while you are only part of my memories now, those memories seem to trouble me. Is it because of the letter you wrote? Is it because you’ve cast a dark spell over me? Or is simply because of the trauma you have imprinted in my life? Whatever it is, I still wish you well and I hope life is looking up for you. The ghost of your love may always haunt me, but it will also be a reminder of what love and life shouldn’t be.
