A family is supposed to be a group of individuals who unconditionally love you. They should be the people you go to when your world is falling apart. They keep your deep and darkest secrets and cherish your living soul.
But sometimes, as much as we wish for that to be the case, it isn’t. Sometimes, our families are the people to bring us down. Sometimes, they are the people to hurt us, belittle us, and break us.
Sometimes, we don’t get the choice between family members who truly care and family members who are just there because they have to be. Sometimes, the harder you try, the more it hurts.
We tend to forget that family can also be toxic people in our lives, especially in the Hmong community. Family can say they’re proud of you but never have contributed to your success. Family can make you feel good for a moment and tear you down in a split second. Sometimes, the family will continue to shut you down even after you have given up.
It is even more challenging to express your thoughts and feelings to family members who do not value you or continue to dismiss you. In the Hmong community, where a family is the center of our lives, we become trapped and lost.
A broken family has taught me this. Sometimes as much as I want to fit in and be happy around them, the trauma and pain that they have inflicted on me for years and years cannot be easily removed or forgotten.
A broken family has taught me what love is and isn’t. It taught me what I deserve, what I should stand for, how I should be treated, and how I should be loved.
It’s okay that I’m cold and hard now. The family may never understand me and what I go through. Sometimes, it means taking a few steps back and validating myself, even if no one else does.
So to all my peers out there who are struggling to understand their own broken families, it is okay that you cannot find a solution or an answer. Sometimes, broken is not meant to be fixed. Sometimes, broken is better left broken, so that you don’t break yourself trying to fix it.
Love them, but do not allow them to break you.
