Ain’t Misbehavin’

Zachariah Mattheus
Aug 23, 2017 · 2 min read

I was drinking at a trendy bar one night with a couple of friends. I went downstairs to the bathroom. Men’s Room. If I can help it, I try not to poop in bars or at gas stations. But this place was really clean. I went into a stall. I took some toilet paper and spread it over the seat cover. I sat down. A few moments later, a couple came in. They were whispering sweet lovelies to each other as they went into the stall next to me. I figured they were just gonna do some coke but, no. They started to have sex.

I listened to them get it on while I pooped, but then my poop began to reek with a purpose and it compromised the ambiance. I heard the girl say, “No. Stop. That smells disgusting.” The guy tapped on the stall. He said, “Hey, man. Not to be rude, but your shit is kinda fucking up our special moment over here. How ‘bout a courtesy flush and then we’d appreciate it if you tried to hurry things up.”

I said, “No. I can’t do that.” He said, “Why not?” I said, “Because I wish I could have sex in a bathroom. But I’m going bald. I have bursitis. I have a wife and two children. I just found out my dog has worms. I’m bitter. Fuck you, but I also have a slight erection.”

I heard their stall door unlatch and open as the girl hurried out. The guy knocked on the stall and said, “Thanks a lot, man.” I said, “Hey. Go after her, who knows? Maybe you still got a shot.”

Make Mine A Double

Bars come and go, but people continue to drink. From the mouths of bartenders, bouncers, friends & lovers “Make Mine A Double” is an anecdotal collection of stories, both contemporary and historic from the bars of NYC. Written and Researched by Billy Amanna & Zachariah Mattheus.

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Zachariah Mattheus

Written by

Dissatisfied. Empathetic. Curious.

Make Mine A Double

Bars come and go, but people continue to drink. From the mouths of bartenders, bouncers, friends & lovers “Make Mine A Double” is an anecdotal collection of stories, both contemporary and historic from the bars of NYC. Written and Researched by Billy Amanna & Zachariah Mattheus.

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