I survived, but there is people who can do it too?

I was lonely, visceral, melancholic, angry, and then I found people who saved me.

To be a kid with melancholic thoughts is not good or healthy. I remember -since I could remember something- that I used to cry alone in my room, the reason? I always said that’s because I was missing my grand-grand parents -who I never met- or because a dog which was killed by mine -who I grew up with ’til I was eleven. The truth? I was feeling alone.

This feeling was not because other kids doesn’t want play with me, this feeling was because daddy was away, mommy was too nervous, and no one moved a fucking finger to help me. Since I was a little boy I was friends with loneliness. My only safe place was my grandmas’ house, where she was with me arguing or talking and telling her stories.

Once upon a time, a man told me that everyone will feel three forms of love, and never told me the rules to know how I could tag each one, so I assumed that it is something that you will learn only when these loves go away from your heart, I’m being euphemistic. You only really know something, when you see the opposite. My mom -she only accept that I called her that way- was the great story. Now that she’s dead I know. Oh okay, I forget to tell you the three forms.

There is The First Passion, The First Love and The Great Story. I know maybe you’re thinking “You fool, everyone know when is the first love and first passion.”, maybe not dear interlocutor. The First of the Firsts is the one who really make pasta of your soul and mind and body, understand? Well, you know a significant part of the story, now.

Kid, alone, dad away, mom freaking out, mother (granny) who was my safe place, ticketed? Let’s go. As a lonely kid in home, I was a lonely kid at school. Always close to the gate rails, looking the world, and thinking about how I could be safe of house problems. I did have colleagues at the streets I grew up at, but them didn’t know how I was going on, ’cause they only saw the richie boy up/down their houses. We used to mess with other kids, do really bad things, so when I moved to another city’s school I kept being in problems, and it made me have to move to another city. My parents couldn’t deal with so many problems, and couldn’t see me dangerously close to them.

Without tell me they did it. No last words, none “see you soon paw”, I just moved without knowing, and when I knew I was with mom, and she build me up. My new life started even worse, I was the new kid, so I was alone, so I was out of control, so I didn’t talk to anyone who was in my age, and they didn’t kept trying. And the problems started to born, and they grew, and suddenly I met friends, and the problems were bigger, and home situation was evolving to a cold war against my parents. And time by time I was in front of who I really was. No good feelings, no beautiful life view’s. Only an opaque shade of terrible things, and I was locked with my thugs.

The man I mention? He and some people tried to help me, they evolved me. Then I passed through phases, sometimes I was with no ground, most of the times I was building me up again, hardly ever I was really okay. The melancholic thoughts was with me, I was afraid of the future, but I knew that if the outside was looking okay, the others would never know. And it worked ’til I met a person who saw what was going on, and tried her best to keep me safe from whatever that was growing inside of me. She saw the fear, loneliness and all the blue things in my eyes. Granny was starting to get seriously sick, so I knew soon I’d be alone.

The things get harder. I was not feeling I have parents, they where to me what Satan was to the demons. They were in control, but I still could be me since I fight with them, didn’t matter if it break me, I was still fighting. And in one of these fights I started giving up on me. Stopped eating, I kept drinking juice to not black out. And I was fat, since I say that it was a diet no one would know what was happening. Now I stop my story to tell a story of someone who made me be stronger to try to save her.

We met and started to talk, because even we never known each others, her problems looked like something that was alive, the class people said that she was saying things about me. She seemed to become one of the popular ones, but it was a life trap to hurt her. She moved to try to survive from the bullying she was suffering, but it followed her, and in an afternoon we talked and we knew that we were supposed to be one another’s anchor. That was my turn to save her, so I tried my best. I protected her, even in a first sight it seemed I only did the wrong thing, but when I knew what was really happening I tried to became her guardian. But with professional assistance, some good friends and self love, she became stronger and stronger. Well, she saw what was happening and tried to save me.

Thanks to her I didn’t get worse. But the truth is: she was a part of it. The other part was that when mommy died, I stayed wake by 48h, and in this time I made me strong to help my relatives who was suffering. I forgot me, I was not paying attention. So I was near to give up everything. Her death made me close to my parents, but I was still silently moving from home, to live with my grandpa. And in there I was being ready to say goodbye. The quiet and lonely kid was becoming a quiet and lonely corpse, or zombie that failed to the system. And that is the part that a group of boys appeared in my life.

Because of my school age, I couldn’t be with other boys without feeling depressed, anxious, and stuff. So when I was with them the first contact was terrifying, “what if I do something that could make me be expelled by them?” was a thought that was always in my mind. Then some of them take care of me. Some listened, some helped me with problems, some just was there, and then I was building me up, and the problems started to be not a big deal. They don’t know me very well, I’m not the kind who tells the whole life to people. Well, I showed me here, it cost me tears, but know I can keep my day. ’Cause I’m still alive, and stronger. Fortunately. But there’s people who need help. Can you help them? Look the others in their eyes, you’ll know who needs help.