I’ve never been loved as a lover.

After all this time I realized that no one ever loved me, they only used me to feel better and feed their ego.

Since I began to feel that I was liking people, I have been struggling myself to be worthy of being loved by them. And that’s the point, should I did it? Love isn’t something you get hurt to receive, you love and you are loved back, that’s the math in it, the only racional thing, the rest just happen, naturally.

I’m not telling that I really kissed and did stuff with everyone I was into. No. I’m saying that when people realized my love for them, they just used it to be okay with their own self steem, building themselves up over my breaking heart. And not matching my love, they hurt me.

Violence isn’t just punches and kicks. Violence is all the things that make your soul scream inside your chest and make you run. Violence bring the ocean to your eyes and drown your throat with sound. Violence is when someone who was treating you well starts to call you names and make you feel not more than shit. Violence is when someone touch you without your permission and say a compliment after it. And I felt it too. Cause I was used the same way that the others did, but deeply.

Because of it I feel like I’m not allowed to be loved back. That I’m alone ‘till my death. This is the worst part. The worst thing is that I don’t love me back. I built myself, inside and outside. I grew up a good looking guy, and I do have a handsome heart, but I do not take care of me. I feel I’m not capable of it.

But it don’t mean I stopped fighting to found love, this kind specifically. I’ll try my hard. After all, I survived all my worst and depressing days. But it’s an another days’ story.